Josh Freeman

Jay Cutler Is Your Annoying Girlfriend

April 02, 2009 at 09:21am by Scott   •  1 Comment »

The pouty, bitchy, pussy face of a franchise.
Did your girlfriend or wife ever tell you she wanted to go out, but you didn’t want to so you politely tried to make her understand that maybe tonight wasn’t the best night? But she asked a couple more times and you said, “Really, please, no. Not tonight.” And after that her voice changed to a screech that falls somewhere between nails on a chalkboard and the sound a rhesus monkey makes when it’s on fire as she caterwauls, “But Iiiiiiiiiiii wanna go ouuuuuuuuuuuut.” And then that fuse in your brain blows and you snap Ralph Kramden-style. “FINE! YOU WANNA GO OUT SO FUCKIN’ BAD? LET’S GO.” And you stomp to the car without bothering to change into anything appropriate and wait for her with the engine running. Then she comes shuffling out with her head down and teeth slightly clinched, somewhere between angry and hurt. And when she gets into the car, what’s the first thing she says? “Well, we don’t have to go out tonight.” Has that ever happened to you? Because it just happened to the Broncos.

“I was surprised they decided to trade me this soon,” Cutler told [Jay] Glazer in his first comments since the statement was released. “I didn’t want to get traded. This wasn’t me. (The Broncos) had been going back and forth saying things, wanting me to be their quarterback and then they didn’t.”

“I really didn’t want this. I love Denver. I really like my teammates. I didn’t want it to get this far.”

Fuck. You. Cutler. Can Jay not afford a computer? Because mine is telling me that he said this just a couple weeks ago.

“I certainly went back there, expecting I’d be there [Monday] but not now,” Cutler said. “It’s not mandatory. I’ll attend every mandatory minicamp and training camp but that’s it. Really, it’s best for me to move on.

Oh, and this.

“The Denver Broncos confirm that Jay Cutler has requested a trade,” team spokesman Jim Saccomano told The Associated Press on Monday.

Congratulations, Jay Cutler is now your annoying, high-maintenance girlfriend. You want to bring that shit to Tampa? Have I not posted enough of Luke McCown‘s humble-yet-confident team-oriented quotes yet? Here’s one from yesterday.

“I don’t buy into the whole, ‘This is my team. This is that guy’s team’,” McCown said. “This is our team.”

McCown is that cool girlfriend that is fine either way. He won’t let you walk all over him, but if you don’t want to go out, he’s fine staying in tonight. You know that Star Trek marathon that’s on tonight? He’ll even watch that with you! And get all your geeky references! And make snacks!

All of my reasons for not wanting to trade for Cutler from last week are still valid, only now he’s even more of a bitch for pulling this “I didn’t want to be traded” shit. None of you still want Cutler, do you? Not my readers. Not my intelligent, well-reasoned, sexy, sexy readers. Tell me none of you can possibly still want to give up draft picks for Cutler.

One Comment to “Jay Cutler Is Your Annoying Girlfriend”


Scott (May 28, 2009 at 11:31pm:

I could probably be considered a tool, but not for being passive-aggressive.

And I like your idea for convincing men to go to the movies. And if the deed gets done during the previews, the guy can take a nap during the main feature. It’s a no-lose scenario!

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