Yes, Let’s All Take The Tuskers Seriously

October 29, 2009 at 09:49am by Scott

Is this what it’s come to? Guys who had been fired by NFL teams and couldn’t find any others to bring them on board are now making fun of the Bucs? Guys who are part of a four-team league, playing for the team with the dumbest name in professional football history? WHAT THE FUCK IS A TUSKER?!?

Jim Haslett took the first shot when he was discussing how Matt Bryant was playing. Seriously, Jim Haslett.

In mentioning Bryant, Haslett volunteered, “I don’t understand why he’s not still playing with the Bucs. … I think he’s an excellent kicker, but there’s a lot of things that go on in the NFL,” Haslett said. “Why did the Rams trade Will Witherspoon? Why do you hire Raheem Morris? It’s endless in the NFL right now. I’d like to have our team play a couple of those teams, to be honest with you.”

Hey, at least Raheem got the fucking job. Haslett coached the Rams for 12 games last year, won his first two games and then lost ten in a row. And the Rams’ ownership, who are looking to sell the team and save money and give absolutely no shits about the team whatsoever, didn’t think Haslett was a good enough coach to handle the Rams. And before he was the temporary head coach, he was the defensive coordinator of the Rams, and they lost all four of those games, too. Hey, Jim, does this sound familiar? 38-3, 41-13, 37-13, 31-14. Those were the results of your defensive genius at work last year. Go fuck a knothole.

Oh, but then we have Tatum Bell getting in on the action.

Tuskers running back Michael Pittman, a former Buc, said there are some guys on the team who would “probably tell you we can (beat the Bucs).”

Running back Tatum Bell chimed in: “I’m one of them.”

Now, Bell wasn’t a bad running back. He’s got a 4.9 YPC average over five years and had a 1,000 yard season in Denver back in 2006. Of course, he lost five fumbles that year, but whatever. Why would a productive back not generate even a shred of interest in the NFL? Oh, right. He steals things from other players. Like the time he was caught on tape stealing Rudi Johnson’s luggage in Detroit.

“I got the bags back — empty,” he said. “So he’s got a bunch of my underclothes. What he’s going to do with that, I don’t know. He’s got some socks and boxers.”

Tatum Bell steals underwear. So remember that the next time he offers his opinion on anything. Don’t turn your back on your locker, Pittman. You might be missing some Jockeys if you do.

So it would be like, Tuskers 24, Bucs 14?

“That’s how much credit you give our defense?” Bell said, smiling…..I see more than that. I see our offense putting up more than that and I see our defense shutting them down for less than that.”

I can’t even type a response to Bell because all I see is him creeping up to Johnson’s luggage on his tiptoes, slowly and casually extending his arms, and snatching them real quick like a cartoon cat trying to catch the Tweety bird. Nothing he says can ever be taken seriously again. He’s just The Underwear Bandit, now and forever.

But good old Michael Pittman doesn’t take the bait. He gives a good answer, and even still supports the Bucs.

“I’m not going to say we can beat the Bucs, I guarantee we’d give them a great game,”Pittman said. “This team, we have a lot of fire, we’ve got talent at every position. I guarantee we’d give them a great game…”

Pittman said he still watches and supports the Bucs, as he has a lot of friends on the team and “hopefully they’ll get a win soon.”

“I feel for them,” he said. “I believe they have more talent than what they’re actually showing out there.”

Thank you, Michael. Thanks for being above all that bullshit. And do me a favor and punch Bell in the cock for me, would ya? You know, the cock that’s being covered by Rudi Johnson’s boxers. We’d all appreciate it.