REAR ENTRIES: I Won’t Bore You With Signing Day News

February 03, 2010 at 10:36am by Scott   •  No Comments »

NO DRUGS FOR GAINES: We all knew this was going to be the case, but just to make it official, the toxicology tests performed after Gaines Adams died came back negative. And since death frightens and depresses me, I’m going to move on to making jokes now.

ONE OF THESE THINGS DOES NOT BELONG: The Tazon Latino flag football game, which matches former NFL stars against Latino celebrities, is being held today on South Beach. Among the former NFL greats playing the game (which, as far as I can tell, is not for any charity) are Hall of Famers Marcus Allen and Warren Moon along with NFL greats Warrick Dunn, Tim Brown, Tony Gonzalez, Martin Gramatica…

Wait, what? Hall of Famers, future Hall of Famers, and a Gramatica? I didn’t realize “guy who jumps eight feet in the air and pumps his fist after an extra point” was a position. Although if you ask Tony Romo, he’d tell you that Gramatica is perfect for flag football since he practiced it so well against Jordan Babineaux in the playoff game against the Seahawks a few years ago.

If Romo doesn’t win a Super Bowl in his career, he will murder Martin Gramatica for that pussy play. He made Garo Yepremian look like a linebacker.

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE: I realize there’s nothing technically wrong with the headline, but if you saw “Gruden to become coach of Florida Tuskers“, what would be your first thought?

Sources tell BHSN’s David Baumann that Jay Gruden will be named head coach of the Florida Tuskers, of the United Football League.

Ohhhh, Jay Gruden? You mean Jon isn’t going to give up his Monday Night cush gig and a cut of his free $5-million per year to coach a minor league team with a horrible name and laughable uniforms that no straight man should be caught dead in? What a scoop!

The headline is intentionally misleading, but congratulations for getting me to click on it. It’s kind of a dirty trick, though. It would be like me inserting words like MEGAN FOX NAKED or SCARLETT JOHANSSON SEX TAPE into a post. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to check my Paypal account.

Bucs Were Negligent With Simms?

February 11, 2009 at 09:29am by Scott   •  6 Comments »

The Titans are talking about re-signing Chris Simms to backup Kerry Collins or even compete for a starting job if Collins himself doesn’t re-sign. Simms is pretty realistic about his chances for being a starter in the league right away.

“Whoever brings me in is more than likely bringing me in as a backup and kind of seeing where it goes from there.”

He says (yet again) that he’s finally 100% and back to the way he was before he got injured. No thanks to the Buccaneers and their training staff.

“There were definitely times when I doubted whether it would happen or not. I’m not gonna lie to you,” Simms said. “At this time last year, I was somewhat concerned if I would ever be the same, and I didn’t have a whole lot of answers or people pointing me in the right direction.

“I got better, yes, but I can honestly say that I didn’t get back to 100 percent until I got to the Titans and they stepped up my rehab two or three notches, which I’m extremely grateful for. They got me over the that hump, so I can say I feel like the old Chris Simms again.”

He doesn’t come out and say he was neglected or mistreated by the Bucs, but the implication is definitely that he was not given the best treatment in Tampa. Of course, the Tennessee training staff got a hold of him two years after the injury, so they kind of had a head start in the whole rehab thing. That’s like Tennessee installing the cupholders and then telling the world that they built the car. The Bucs rebuilt your engine, Chris.

But I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least mention that this is the second mention in two or three weeks of incompetence within the Buccaneer medical staff. If you recall, Martin Gramatica claims that his torn groin was misdiagnosed by the Bucs as a sports hernia and that mistake led to the end of his kicking career. So, not for nothing, but maybe someone should look into what (if anything) is going on with the medical and training staff at One Buc. Joey Galloway took forever to heal this season, as did Jeff Garcia. Granted, they both had pet dinosaurs as kids, but they’re not the only examples of prolonged injuries over the last couple years. Something to think about, anyway.

Martin Gramatica Tore His Groin, Gruden’s Ass

January 23, 2009 at 12:05pm by Scott   •  3 Comments »

Proving once again that absolutely anyone can get on the radio if they really want to, Martin Gramatica was interviewed by the Ron & Ian show yestrday. Because nothing says “YOU ARE LISTENING TO THE SPORTS ANIMAL!!” like an out-of-work, five-foot Argentinian placekicker.

And just like when he was with the Buccaneers, Gramatica is running behind real players, waving his hands and shouting, “Me, too!! Wait for me, guys!” and throwing Jon Gruden under the bus.

Gramatica also touched on the subject of recently deposed Bucs coach Jon Gruden. Like other players who are coming out of the woodwork now that Gruden’s gone, he had less than flattering things to say. The former kicker allowed that Gruden’s rah-rah approach might’ve worked early on, but that it quickly grew old.

Gramatica also relayed a more personal story: When Gruden cut him, he hugged Gramatica and said he loved him. When Gramatica encountered the coach not long after at a golf tournament, Gruden acted like he didn’t exist.

I dunno, Martin. He was a lot kinder than I would have been. It seems like ignoring you was the nice thing to do. I still blame your blocked extra point in 2003 for sending the Bucs on a two-year losing skid when they should have been cementing their dynasty. Remember? I do.

The Buccaneers had tied it with no time left in regulation on Keenan McCardell‘s 6-yard touchdown reception. But Kris Jenkins got a hand on what would have been a game-winning extra point by Martin Gramatica.

So, yeah, if Gruden was holding a golf club and you were trying to get his attention and you didn’t leave the scene on a very tiny stretcher, consider yourself lucky.

Oh, I almost forgot. Gramatica also said that the Bucs misdiagnosed an injury he got and that that’s the reason why his performance tanked. He has since had three surgeries on his groin, which was the real problem all along. And now he’s done with kicking.

He told Ron & Ian that he has no plans to return to the NFL, that he didn’t think his groin would hold up.

Oh man, I know how he feels. Some days I can just feel my groin giving out on me from constant overuse and friction. But then you just have to suck it up and keep pounding away. Wait… that came out wrong.

Gramatica For Bucs MVP

October 07, 2008 at 09:16am by Scott   •  2 Comments »

Everyone give a special thanks to Martin Gramatica whose blocked and missed field goals were the difference in a game where the Saints dominated the Vikings in every facet of the game. Except, you know, the score. This loss keeps the Saints at the bottom of the NFC South and prevents a three-way tie for the spot behind the Panthers. The Bucs play the Panthers this week at home. If the Bucs win, they’ll be in first place in the division despite having an equal record with the Panthers due to their division record and the head-to-head. Say, did you know the Panthers have a five game winning streak going at Raymond James? If not, you’ll hear it plenty of times between now and the game.

But I digress. This is Martin’s day. Martin, in honor of your service to the Bucs last night, let me give you a two torn-ACL-from-celebrating-a-field-goal salute!

Matt Bryant Should Be Getting Nervous

September 01, 2008 at 03:49pm by Scott   •  4 Comments »

After Matt Bryant missed five field goals in the preseason, including a couple that most high school kickers can make blindfolded with one leg in a cast, the Bucs are working out three as-yet-to-be-identified kickers.

Jay Feely, who owns a 80.8% field goal success rate, is currently available. His kickoffs are pretty weak and he’s missed a couple clutch shots, but… umm, I guess I don’t have a follow up for that. Those statistics make him about the same as Bryant. Dave Rayner is the only other available kicker whose name means anything at all. He has kicked for four teams in the last three years and his success rate is an atrocious 70.7%, but his kickoffs are pretty strong.

Hmm, unless there’s some unknown free agent out there that I don’t know anything about, I guess keeping Bryant is the best option. But I hope these kicker workouts scare him into performing better. With most other positions, when you aren’t doing well, you can pinpoint the problem and practice and get better. But whenever you ask a kicker what the problem is, none of them ever know. “I’m not doing anything differently than I ever did” is what they tell you, which is obviously a filthy, filthy lie. Is he getting fat and doughy and needs to get back in shape? Does he need to change his approach or strengthen his legs? Did having “Matt Bryant Day” a couple years ago go to his head and he needs to be taken down a couple pegs? Something changed, Matt. If you’re injured like Martin Gramatica was, get the fucking surgery now before we have to suffer through a 50% season and hunt you down like a short, bald dog. And don’t think we can’t do it. You obviously can’t outrun us.

Ex-Bucs Are Honored, High

August 22, 2008 at 10:27am by Scott   •  No Comments »

Martin Gramatica is getting inducted into the Kansas State Ring of Honor this year, along with other guys you may have heard of like Terence Newman and Mark Simoneau. Their web site has a good rundown of Gramatica’s accomplishments, including the big one.

Perhaps though, his most memorable and notable achievement could be the unforgettable, insurmountable, 65-yard field goal against Northern Illinois, which was recorded as the fourth longest field goal in NCAA history and the longest in NCAA history without the use of a tee. This 65-yarder set a Kansas State and Big 12 record and earned him Big 12 Special Teams Player of the Week honors.

They also cover his pro career up through 2002. Then, magically, he’s a New Orleans Saint now. No mention of that week 2 Carolina game in 2003 that sent the Bucs on a multi-year downward spiral. The boys at Forecast Radio were praying for Gramatica to make the Saints’ team this year so they could see him celebrate a field goal. They have no idea what they’re wishing for.

In other former Buccaneer news, Jameel Cook loooooooves weed. Loves it.

Houston Texans fullback Jameel Cook has been arrested in Fort Bend County on several charges — including marijuana possession.

The other charges mostly have to do with having an expired registration, driver’s license and insurance card. But what do you expect? Stoners forget what they’re talking about mid-sentence when they’re distracted by their own hands.

You expect a guy like that to be able to remember to go to the DMV? Dude, that is so harsh.

Seriously, though, if you read the article, he was arrested with two grams of pot. Two grams. That’s not even a tenth of an ounce. That’s less than a dime weighs. I don’t know anything about pot, but isn’t that, like, a really small amount? Although he is in Texas now. Maybe that’s all you need of that potent Mexican shit.

The answer to your question is no, I couldn’t be any more square. Thanks for asking.