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November 30, 2007

Carmella Garcia Has Healing Hands, Other Parts

Carmella Garcia, Jeff Garcia's wife, was on the Ian Beckles Show this morning saying that Jeff has gotten better every day since Monday and was even dancing in the living room Wednesday night. She didn't say what she did to help him heal or get him dancing, but I like to imagine that it involves various oils and her needing a neck brace at the end of the day. Whatever she's doing, she's good at it because Jeff was back out on the practice field today.

... we were allowed to watch the warm-up and stretching period and Garcia particpated fully in that.

The press was not allowed to watch practice, so no one saw him throw anything more than a couple warm-up tosses, but there is reason for optimism that we won't have to endure Luke McCown pondering his existence in the pocket or Bruce Gradkowski throwing to open patches of grass on Sunday. At the very least, maybe McCown gets the start and has Garcia as a backup in case he does the inevitable. Which he will, because that's what inevitable means.

The people who are advocating letting Garcia rest for another week so he can come back against the Texans are wrong and should have their jaws wired shut for the duration of the season. If the Bucs win the upcoming Saints game, they have virtually clinched the NFC South and a playoff spot. It will put the Bucs three games ahead of the Saints for the division lead and also give them the tiebreaker with the series sweep. The only way the Bucs could not win the South in that case is if they lose all four of their remaining games and the Saints win their's. One they're in the playoffs, the scenario pretty much won't change: they'll have to win the first one at home and the rest of them on the road. If anything, put Garcia together with Handi-Tak and spit and get him to play all right Sunday and then let him rest for the next two or three weeks. This game is that important. Hopefully it won't come to that if Carmella can just keep doing what she's doing and get Jeff into proper playing shape. In fact, she should probably film whatever technique she is using and post it on YouTube. You know, for medical research. Or something.

Posted by Scott at 1:53 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: bruce gradkowski, carmella garcia, jeff garcia, luke mccown, my broken friend

Derrick Brooks Likes To Rub It In

Pete Prisco, about whom I have no strong opinion either way, had thought the Bucs would continue last year's trend of being terrible, and I guess he told Derrick Brooks about it. When he went back and spoke with Brooks again last week, Derrick made sure he remembered the conversation.

"I told you," Bucs linebacker Derrick Brooks said last week. "I told you this team was close. I knew what we had. I knew that we lost a lot of close games last year and this team could be a good one. I told you."

So I guess he told him. Someone should have told him about the injury report, too.

Then backup Michael Pittman was lost for the season, leaving unproven Earnest Graham in the role of starter.

Pittman was not lost for the season and he's even practicing now. Say, maybe I am forming an opinion about the guy after all.

Posted by Scott at 9:41 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: derrick brooks, michael pittman

Game 11 Preview: Saints

(The "Five Things" portion of the preview won't repeat for the second divisional games. I'm not nearly creative enough to come up with ten things per team.)

The way it looks now, Luke McCown will be starting this game, which cripples the team pretty severely from an offensive standpoint. The Bucs will need to run the ball a lot and we already know Michael Pittman will be out. Pittman is an excellent blocker and blitz-killer and New Orleans already has the #9 run defense in the league. I expect the Saints will stack the box with as many as nine until McCown can prove to them that he can throw the ball. Joey Galloway, Ike Hilliard and Alex Smith really need to step it up at least in the first half and catch whatever McCown is throwing. Dive, slide, jump, tiptoe... whatever. If the Saints don't have to respect the pass, it's over. Lucky for us, the Saints have one of the worst pass defenses in the league, so opportunities should present themselves if McCown can just stay alive long enough to step up and throw. I expect Earnest Graham to get a decent number of yards (maybe 60 or so), but on a lot of carries.

The Saints have the best red zone conversion rate in the league and the fourth best passing game. This spells tight end receptions to me, so watch Eric Johnson in the endzone. The trick will be to keep the Saints pinned deep and make them go the length of the field. If the Bucs defense can take away the vertical passing game (please put Ronde Barber on Marques Colston), it will force the run and they're not too good running the ball (Reggie Bush is only on pace for 750 yards this season). Josh Bidwell, Michael Clayton and Maurice Stovall on punt coverage will be key. If they make the Saints go 85+ yards to score, they'll crack. Bucs by 4.

Posted by Scott at 8:14 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: game preview, luke mccown, saints

November 29, 2007

Jake Plummer's Life Is Way Better Than Yours

I guess the author of this article took offense when I told Jake Plummer to fuck himself a couple days ago because he took the time to write an article all about how Plummer is living a life of leisure and luxury in the mountains while the rest of us resemble something that stuck to his shoe.

"Other than Jimmy Buffett and Adam Sandler, I don't know anybody that has a better life than him," longtime friend Doug Tammaro said.

I'd probably add Hugh Heffner and the CEOs of the major oil companies, but yeah, it's a pretty short list.

Travel, skiing, concerts, boating, backpacking, handball, Ultimate Frisbee. The recreational choices are endless in Sandpoint, a mountain community less than an hour south of the Canadian border.

He forgot to mention the candy factory and how Plummer rides Pegasus the winged horse to his handball tournaments. I'm sure it was just an oversight. Wait... what did that say? "Ultimate Frisbee"?

"He even got into some Ultimate Frisbee this past summer," Eric Plummer said. "He'd never played. The first time out there, he was like, 'Oh, man, this is sweet!' He was loving it."

What's so ultimate about Ultimate Frisbee? Is the Frisbee covered with AIDS-tainted syringes or something? Is the Frisbee actually a TM-46 anti-tank mine? Because I have to admit, that would be pretty sweet. Oh no, wait... this just in: it's only called Ultimate Frisbee when Jake is playing it. All other times, it's just Frisbee.

Posted by Scott at 10:55 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: jake plummer

Former Bucs Doing All Right

Yo Murphy, who was a kick returner for the Bucs in 1999, is retiring after his Saskatchewan Roughriders won the Grey Cup on Tuesday. For being a marginal player in four separate leagues, Murphy has seen some action.

"It made me want to retire more after the way it ended," said Murphy, the only player to participate in a Grey Cup, NFL Europe World Bowl and Super Bowl. "There isn't any way I can go out any better."

On a related note, is there any funnier geographical name than Saskatchewan?

Calvin Magee, who is currently the offensive coordinator at West Virginia, is the 2007 Assistant Coach of the Year. Wait, do you even know who I'm talking about? He was a tight end for the Bucs for four years in the mid 80s. And you call yourself a Bucs fan.

He volunteers with the Technology Student Association at his daughter's school, and the African-American Awareness at his son's school. Magee assists in organizing football student-athletes to volunteer for a community outreach program called "Praise Him at the Park," and is responsible for the implementation and organization of the Big Brother Program at West Virginia. He also serves on the Drug Advisory Committee at WVU.

He sounds like a pretty cool guy, although I bet if you asked him in private, he'd still say Ray Perkins was a prick.

Posted by Scott at 10:09 AM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: buccaneer history, calvin magee, yo murphy

November 28, 2007

Ratliff Cut, Gates Signed, Day Slow

Michael Pittman doesn't think he'll go on injured reserve, but he's pretty sure he won't be playing this week.

Right now, he is pretty much conceding this week. His goal, he said is to be back for next weekend's game at Houston or for the Bucs' return to RayJay the following week (Dec. 16) for the Atlanta game.

For some reason, the Bucs thought this was reason enough to release CB Keiwan Ratliff and re-sign RB Lionel Gates. The team was in exactly the same situation last week and not only did they not sign another running back to take Pittman's place, they had a running back dressed that they never used in Michael Bennett. I'm not sure what's different about this week, but it really couldn't matter any less than it does right now.

Posted by Scott at 2:26 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: keiwan ratliff, lionel gates, michael pittman, my broken friend, you're cut too shushie

Get Ready To Be Pissed At Luke McCown

It looks like Luke McCown is going to take first team snaps for the Bucs this week during practice. I can't say I disagree seeing as how the team didn't have a single first down in the entire second half last week with Bruce Gradkowski steering the ship. Keep in mind this doesn't mean that Jeff Garcia won't play. Everyone was pretty sure he was going to skip every practice this week while he was waiting for his back to heal. But still...

So anyway, remember when you're chanting for Jon Gruden to bench him and shouting down his heritage, his name is McCown. With a "C", like "cow". Pay attention to the analysis next week and count how many guys call him Luke McNown. I promise there will be at least a couple. But hey, at least he's happy now. Check out his team photo with the Browns.

Now look at him after he gets to a team with cheerleaders. He even cut his hair and went back to his natural color for the occasion.

Now that's a media guide photo. McCown needs to talk to Michael Clayton before next season's pictures are taken and convince him to lose the mohawk or he's going to have to live with that for the rest of his life like Brian Bosworth.

Posted by Scott at 12:57 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: bruce gradkowski, jeff garcia, luke mccown, michael clayton

A Few Quick Hits Until We Learn More About Garcia's Back

Some reporter in Dallas has called Ronde Barber the "anti-Deion", which he means as a compliment because Ronde is willing to tackle whereas Deion would actively avoid it. It's an ok read if you're bored at work.

---

Here's an article that shows how people can buy their way out of community service time for $10/hour. It mentions that both Torrie Cox and Jay Gruden took this route instead of doing their time. The title of the article is what bothers me. "Shaking Off Community Service, Is It Legal?" makes it sound kind of shady like there are some backdoor transactions taking place and payoffs to politicians and all it needs is the blinding white light of truth (and the CBS 4 cameras) to expose the corruption.

Again, these athletes did nothing wrong by buying their way out of community service. It's all legal.

Oh. Then why ask the question in the title? "Is It Right?" would have been less deceptive.

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Scout.com focuses on Monte Kiffin and the possibility that he will leave Tampa Bay for the Nebraska head coaching job. The only reason this is a story is because Kiffin was kind of wishy-washy when he answered the question. Kiffin loves Nebraska, but there's no way he takes a college head coaching job at his age. All of a sudden he has to start recruiting high school kids and go back to teaching the basics of the Cover 2 scheme? This season has been one of the most creative for Kiffin since he has been in Tampa. It's by necessity, of course. Most teams know how to beat the Cover 2 by now and if you want to stay relevant you have to be willing to change. But it has to be satisfying for him as a professional to move out of his comfort zone a little and still be successful. I see Kiffin retiring in the near future, but I just can't picture him wanting to deal with the headaches of being a college head coach.

Posted by Scott at 10:54 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: jay gruden, monte kiffin, ronde barber, torrie cox

November 27, 2007

Even The Colts Didn't Want Simeon

The Colts released Simeon Rice after only two games. No word yet on if Rice was muttering to himself about Tony Dungy or Bill Polian on his way out, but you know in his first interview after this, he will probably make them out to be complete assholes while he somehow becomes the victim.

The Colts had a real need at right defensive end after Dwight Freeney went down and they only kept Rice for a couple weeks. What are the chances a team takes yet another chance on him this season? Maybe if a playoff team that runs the 4-3 loses both their starting defensive ends... that's the only scenario I can imagine. It may be time for Rice to just call it a season and spend his time rehabbing and being an ass in private.

Posted by Scott at 3:29 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: dwight freeney, my broken friend, simeon rice

Oh, This Ain't Good

Jeff Garcia is feeling good enough to talk on the phone, but he's not quite up to the point of doing anything involving a football.

"I'm feeling a little better today; I'm taking some better steps today than yesterday, [but] I'm not at a point now where I can even throw the ball yet," Garcia said during his weekly radio call-in segment on WDAE, 620 AM.

There's still about four and a half days left for Garcia to recover enough to spare us the unending agony of watching either Bruce Gradkowski or Luke McCown flop around on the field like trout who accidentally landed on a rock while trying to swim upstream. I like the 5-on-4 or 6-on-5 matchup with the Buccaneer offensive line, but any more than that and it's going to be a bloodletting. I know I make fun of the Saints a lot, but Charles Grant and Will Smith are for real. If the Saints defense smells blood in the water with either of the Buccaneer backups, they'll just shove 11 men in the box (don't be gross) and sack him about 20 times. Afterwards they'll pick their teeth with his femurs. I suppose if I had to choose, I'd give McCown another chance just because of what happened last week, but it probably doesn't matter.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to offer a big, hearty fuck you to Jake Plummer for wanting to stay home and nail his cheerleader wife in his mansion in the mountains instead of getting mauled by sweaty 300 pound men on a weekly basis. What a jerk. Everyone thought Jon Gruden was nuts for having seven quarterbacks on the roster in the summer, but it sure would be nice to have another option or two right about now. Hell, I'd give Chris Simms a shot at it in whatever condition he's in for at least half a game if he wasn't on IR. Maybe he got all his interceptions out of his system last year. Anyone? Oh, like you have a better idea.

Posted by Scott at 2:10 PM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: bruce gradkowski, chris simms, jake plummer, jeff garcia, luke mccown, my broken friend

Matt Bryant Is Pretty Nice

Matt Bryant, who, as far as I know, is the only Buccaneer with an actual day named after him in Tampa, is a finalist for the Walter Payton Man of the Year award. You can read the article for all the money he has given and the time he has spent. It's a lot.

If Bryant wins, he would be the second kicker to win the award. You know who the first one was? Rolf Benirschke of the Chargers, who was actually the host of Wheel of Fortune for a brief period after football. True story. Derrick Brooks won the award in 2000 and Warrick Dunn won it in 2004 as an Atlanta Falcon, which somehow diminishes the prestige a little.

Posted by Scott at 9:58 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: matt bryant

Greg White Is Appreciative

I knew Greg White's Arena League story and I had heard that he once worked at Best Buy between football gigs, but I didn't know he had bounced around the league so much.

"You know I got cut by the Texans [in training camp in 2002], right?" White said. "And then I was on the practice squads in Tampa, Atlanta, Tennessee, New Orleans, Washington, back to New Orleans and back to Washington."

And Chicago. The story also talks about the various odd jobs he held while he was in between teams. It turns out Kurt Warner's stocking-shelves-at-a-grocery-store story isn't so damn special after all.

White currently makes the rookie minimum of $285,000. But now that he's leading the Buccaneers in sacks and forced fumbles, maybe he thinks he's underpaid?

"I don't care what anybody says, that's a lot of money," White said. "I couldn't be happier. I go around saying, 'LG' all the time. You know the electronics company, LG? Well, my LG stands for 'Life's Good.'"

A good player who acknowledges he has it good is such a satisfying combination. A crappy player who says he has it good sounds like he's mooching off the system. A good player who complains that he isn't being fairly compensated sounds like a whiny bitch who doesn't understand the value of a dollar. With his attitude and work ethic, White could turn out to be one of the more popular Buccaneers in the next couple years

Posted by Scott at 9:43 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: greg white

RIP Sean Taylor

Sean Taylor died this morning. He had surgery yesterday following his attack, but never woke up from the coma he fell into after the surgery was over.

I don't normally do serious entries and I'm not quite sure how to handle this one, so I'll just express my sympathy to Sean's daughter who will grow up not knowing her father, and to his parents who are now charged with the unbearable task of burying their child. I like to think that, as a species, we can one day grow beyond breaking into a man's home and shooting him to death in front of his family.

Posted by Scott at 9:28 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: redskins, sean taylor

November 26, 2007

David Carr Hears What He Wants To Hear

David Carr tried desperately to understand why the fans were turning on him during his 10 of 22 for 95 yards and two pick performance yesterday.

"It's not like we were purposely trying to not score points," Carr said. "They were chanting 'More' -- that they wanted more points. And we were trying to give it to them."

Of course, the fans were chanting for Matt Moore, the rookie free-agent who has somehow won the hearts of Charlotte despite having two number one overall quarterbacks on their team. I can't tell if Carr is just so astonishingly dumb that he really did think the fans just wanted more points or if he's trying to make a joke about his bad performance. It's a tough call: brainless or clueless. And since he's in Carolina, shouldn't "toothless" also be an option?

Posted by Scott at 2:18 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: david carr, matt moore, nfc south, panthers

Someone REALLY Doesn't Like Sean Taylor

I know I said some shit about Sean Taylor last week, but my petty animosity for a man I never met is nothing compared to whoever shot Taylor in the groin.

The Miami Herald reported paramedics found Taylor with a gunshot wound to the groin. A family friend who did not want to be identified told ABC-TV 10 in Miami that Taylor was shot twice.

That's just not right. You either have to have terrible aim or really hate a brother to shoot him below the belt like that. This is crime of passion-type stuff. I'd go so far as to say it's a jilted girlfriend or angry father that pulled the trigger. We'll find out soon enough. It's usually no more than 48 hours before something like this is solved.

Latest word is that Taylor had six hours worth of surgery this morning and he is currently in a coma, although some family members were optimistic that he was stabilizing. In all seriousness, good luck to Taylor and best wishes to his family.

Posted by Scott at 1:44 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: redskins, sean taylor

Reporters Are Unintentionally Funny

At the very end of Jon Gruden's press conference after the game yesterday, someone asked him if he'd like to see Bruce Gradkowski get some experience while Jeff Garcia's back heals and see how Bruce can "handle things".

[laughs] You're kidding me, right? Aren't you? I think that will be the end of today's press conference.

And then everybody laughed. Oh, the fun they had in the press room after that statement. Years from now, they'll tell the story about the naive reporter who asked Jon Gruden if he would bench Garcia for Gradkowski in a 7-4 season. They'll ask where he is now and someone will note that they think they heard someone say that he was doing the evening weather in Fourchu Head, Nova Scotia where all he has to say is "It's raining, eh?" but he sometimes even screws that up.

Fast forward to the last 60 seconds or so. It's worth you time.

Posted by Scott at 11:49 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: jon gruden, tampa media

All Proceeds From This Entry Will Go Toward Healing Jeff Garcia's Back

If the MVP award is really given out to the player that, without whom, a team would wither away and die, I don't see how Jeff Garcia doesn't win it in a landslide. Luke McCown was a walking sack during his brief time on the field this year, and Bruce Gradkowski is just awful. Without Garcia, it's 2006 all over again on offense.

I mean, Gradkowski is really awful. He broke some kind of NCAA record for passing accuracy at Toledo, but even his completions yesterday were ugly. Joey Galloway had to go to the ground more than once for his catches and Alex Smith had to snag his above and behind him. Gradkowski laid a really nice one into Ike Hilliard, but that's the only one I can remember saying that it was a good throw.

Doesn't Gradkowski have 4.6 speed? He gained 13 and 11 yards on his rushes. Why didn't Jon Gruden call more bootlegs or quarterback draws or sprint-options?

I don't know who Kedric Golston is other than he played on the Washington defensive line yesterday, but he totally stole John Wade's lunch money. Wade is frustrating the hell out of me. Some games he'll be able to stand his own and others he's pushed around like he's on wheels. But he knows all the assignments and makes some great adjustments at the line. It's like they have to choose between intelligence and strength. Why can't they have both?

This is the first game that I saw Donald Penn really beaten on a regular basis. Andre Carter is just plain faster than Penn. Is Garcia's mobility hiding some of Penn's shortcomings, or is Gradkowski just so bad that he makes everyone around him look that much worse? I think that's the riddle the Great Sphinx of Giza asked.

I had to look twice to make sure Greg White didn't start the game. He didn't, Gaines Adams did. Adams is doing all right, but not as good as White. White really needs to start the next game.

For the second straight week, Jovan Haye placed his helmet into a quarterback right as he released the ball. Jason Campbell had to take a time out to recover. Haye's reputation is going to have quarterbacks getting rid of the ball maybe a half second before they want to. It's the same effect Warren Sapp used to have.

Tanard Jackson is a football bloodhound. He is always around when a big play is being made. Of course Adrian Peterson is going to get rookie of the year, but Jackson's name should at least be mentioned in those discussions.

The secondary as a whole had a great game yesterday. Except Phillip Buchanon. How he lets Chris Cooley get behind him is beyond me. The fact that he had eight tackles isn't really a good thing. It means players were catching balls in front of him and he had to bring them down. What pissed me off the most, though, was how he was smiling after Cooley's touchdown. He should have been pissed off about it for at least a couple minutes. Don't take it into the next series, but jeez... it should bother someone who cares, right?

Did you see Joe Gibbs and Jon Gruden meet on the field after the game? Gibbs grabbed Gruden's hand for a brief shake and then left as he mumbled "congratulations". He never even looked at him and he barely slowed down. Isn't that awesome? It's nice to get under someone's skin like that. You know the better part? Yesterday was Joe Gibbs's birthday.

There's no way in a just world that the Bucs win that game, and there have got to be riots in the streets of Washington today. I mean, more than usual. But remember the playoff game in 2005 where the Redskins were held to 136 yards of total offense and they still won? Remember the Detroit and Jacksonville games this year? The Bucs have let games slip away that they should have won easily. This one they should have lost but somehow they willed it together. Sometimes shit like this just happens. Don't try to figure it out.

Posted by Scott at 11:13 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: andre carter, bruce gradkowski, chris cooley, donald penn, game summary, greg white, jeff garcia, joe gibbs, john wade, jovan haye, kedric golston, phillip buchanon, redskins, tanard jackson

November 24, 2007

Titans Sign Pudgy McGreasefingers

The Titans signed Mike Williams a couple days ago to add some depth to their wide receiver position. I know I was advocating signing Williams instead of Micheal Spurlock or any of the other nameless John Does they were talking about, but then I got to thinking... he was too much of a malcontent for the Raiders. Oakland has Jerry Porter on their roster, and that's about it. And they still thought Williams wasn't good enough to keep. Maybe Norm Chow in Tennessee thinks he can kick his ass and get him to stop shoving Ding Dongs down his piehole and start practicing with some conviction. Chow must have missed the huge drop Williams had in the Raiders/Titans game that made Oakland cut him in the first place. I think I'm ok with Spurlock at this point.

Posted by Scott at 6:33 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: mike williams, raiders, titans

November 23, 2007

Game 11 Preview: Redskins

Five Things You Didn't Know About The Redskins

1. Rock Cartwright, James Thrash and H.B. Blades each have action movie deals worked out based on their names alone. Shaun Suisham does not.
2. Fred Smoot has his own energy bar called "Smack", which is named after the sound a hooker's ass makes when you spank it in front of all your friends on a cruise ship. Smoot is also working on a line of dildos called "Yeah, Right There".
3. Sean Taylor was facing 46 years in jail for assault and battery, but he got to donate money instead.
4. Clinton Portis likes to dress up in characters for his press conferences. His latest one, who he only identifies as "Beverly", is a crack-addicted welfare mother of seven who spends most of her days whoring herself out in the inner city. Losing has made Portis kind of dark.
5. Chris Cooley got engaged to Redskins cheerleader Christy Oglevee. Oglevee was then fired for fraternizing with players. And by "fraternizing", they mean fucking. Serious, sweaty, repeated fucking. So, for the record, this...
   

   is fucking this...

   

   ... which pretty much encapsulates the first hour of "Knocked Up".

Portis is having a decent year an is always dangerous, so the bucs will probably bring down safety support to keep him in check. They can afford to do that because most of their receivers seem banged up and aren't running at top speed right now. Santana Moss, especially, seems kind of off. With the extra men in the box, you can probably expect a few sacks on Jason Campbell as long as the man-on-man protection holds up. Phillip Buchanon will definitely be tested.

The Redskins defense just keeps getting worse. With Sean Taylor out and their passing defense already #24 in the league, you can count on Jeff Garcia airing it out on Sunday. Shawn Springs will probably be on Joey Galloway all day, so both Ike Hilliard and Maurice Stovall should see some favorable match-ups. The Redskins rushing defense is pretty good, so Earnest Graham will have to make most of his yards catching the ball out of the backfield. Bucs by 7.

Posted by Scott at 12:36 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: chris cooley, christy oglevee, clinton portis, earnest graham, game preview, h.b. blades, james thrash, joey galloway, phillip buchanon, redskins, rock cartwright, santana moss, sean taylor, shaun suisham

Refs Blew The June Call

In his weekly segment on NFL Network, Mike Pereira admitted that the referee in the Bucs/Falcons game should have reviewed the entire play and not just Brian Kelly's possession. He was pretty fair about it and clarified that officials should review the entire play if it is challenged. Thank God it didn't affect the outcome of the game or I'd have to redirect some of my energy toward being pissed off about it. And this is my day off, so screw that.

Posted by Scott at 12:08 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: brian kelly, cato june, falcons

November 22, 2007

Pittman Also Expected To Stay Immobile And Clean

It looks like Michael Pittman may be out of the game on Sunday... and every other Sunday for the rest of the year. Pittman re-injured his ankle last week against the Falcons and Jon Gruden doesn't sound hopeful.

"I'm concerned. It doesn't look good," Gruden said of Pittman's injury. "He hasn't worked much in the last six weeks." ... "We'll wait [to decide whether to put Pittman on IR]," said Gruden. "I don't know if this is a week-to-week thing or if it's a permanent, season-ending injury. You never know. I really don't know."

Having Pittman back against the Falcons was nice, but the team did all right without him for a few weeks. As long as B.J. Askew stays healthy and someone can help Michael Bennett cram the playbook into his melon, the loss should be minimal.

Posted by Scott at 12:32 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: michael pittman, my broken friend

November 21, 2007

Pittman Expected To Stay Dry On Sunday

It looks like free safety and convicted spitter Sean Taylor will be inactive for the Redskins game against the Bucs this week. Taylor is a good player and it's great that he won't be on the field, but I'm a little disappointed that I won't be able to see Michael Pittman take his head off on a safety blitz with a forearm to the throat at some point. If you don't know about the spitting incident from the playoffs a couple years ago, here's the story.

James Thrash is also expected to miss the game, which probably doesn't matter either way. Santana Moss and Antwaan Randele-El are missing some practice but will probably play on Sunday, which does matter. Also Jason Campbell has a splint on his throwing hand, but it doesn't look serious. Did you know Campbell threw the ball 54 times last week? Isn't someone going to harp on him about his arm being sore?

Posts will be sporadic for the rest of the week due to the holiday. Did anyone notice that we're celebrating Thanksgiving on the same week that we're really wanting to beat the shit out of some Redskins? Eh, something to think about.

Posted by Scott at 10:31 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: antwaan randel-el, james thrash, jason campbell, michael pittman, redskins, santana moss, sean taylor

November 20, 2007

Michael Vick Does Not Pass Go Or Collect $200

With his sentencing three weeks away and no one wanting to hang out with him on the outside anymore, Michael Vick has decided to start his prison time early with the hopes that this gesture will somehow get Judge Henry Hudson to go easier on him. But Hudson is known as a ballbuster and most experts are saying that the only real benefit to starting the sentence earlier is to get it over with earlier. Which is fine with me. If I know Vick is the guest of honor at a prison broomstick party three weeks early, I'll have one extra thing to be thankful for this Thursday.

Vick's lawyer did what most lawyers do and lied until his pants caught fire.

"From the beginning, Mr. Vick has accepted responsibility for his actions, and his self-surrender further demonstrates that acceptance," attorney Billy Martin said in a statement.

No, you're wrong. From the beginning, Vick said he had no knowledge of anything regarding the property or the mass dog graves found there. That's what he told Arthur Blank and Roger Goodell. Then he pled not guilty to the dogfighting charges in July. Remember this, Billy?

"We intend to prove Mike's innocence at trial. We are conducting our own investigation. ... And we look forward to the opportunity to being able to walk inside this courtroom and saying to the world that Michael Vick is innocent."

That's not taking responsibility from the beginning. That's waiting until all your buddies turn state's evidence and then realizing that you are thoroughly and undeniably boned.

Posted by Scott at 11:32 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: douchebags, falcons, michael vick, nfc south

The 1976 Buccaneers Should Remain The Crappiest

I stumble across about a dozen or so articles like this every day now. It started a few weeks ago when the Dolphins got to 0-5 or 0-6. Reporters everywhere were comparing them to the 1976 Buccaneers and speculating if they would be the first team to lose every game in a season since the Bucs did it. I have to admit, it would be nice to see another team share the humiliation when some football show brings up the worst teams in NFL history. Whenever a new follies show is produced, that Buccaneers team is the first one they look at along with clips of their receivers dropping passes or Louis Carter getting stuffed in the backfield or some other sad display. If the Dolphins were to do it, that kind of publicity would be cut in half at least.

On the other hand, it gives reporters a reason to talk to the players from that team again and recall old stories that may not have been published elsewhere. In this article they talk to Pat Toomay, who was a defensive end for the Bucs in 1976. He also happened to write On Any Given Sunday, the source material for Oliver Stone's version.

"After three games, [coach] John McKay stopped talking to us as a team. We would just have position meetings. He had made a lot of comments when he took the job that offended a lot of people. Like saying he could coach in the NFL from an armchair in his office. He paid for that."

I've read other recollections recently, too. Most of them are from guys that we hear from a lot... Lee Roy Selmon, Richard Wood, Steve Spurrier. They all talk about that year as being very difficult, but they reflect on it with a kind of warmth and gratitude that you usually don't associate with being the worst at anything. They all say they learned a lot about teamwork and, if nothing else, they appreciated their lives after football more. Not like the 1972 Dolphins who have become bitter, miserable people that spend the first several weeks of each football season wishing bad things on their NFL descendants. Their champagne celebrations are notorious by now as they toast the last team to finally lose a game and preserve their status and, more importantly, their egos. I mean, have you heard Larry Csonka or Manny Fernandez lately? God damn they're grizzled. Mercury Morris went so far as to write a rap song about that season and how you'll never, ever have another one like it.

NOW LET ME END THIS CONVERSATION WITH SOME FRIENDLY ADVICE
SOME THINGS THAT HAPPEN ONCE IN A LIFE, THEY WON'T HAPPEN TWICE
SO DON'T TRY TO RUN THE TABLE; CAUSE BY YOU, THAT CAN'T BE DONE
YOU SEE, THE 16 STRAIGHT IN '72, WAS JUST TO PLAY IN ONE

Dickwad. It's pretty obvious that you gain more character from losing than from winning. Someone should ask Larry Ball, who actually played for both teams, who he likes hanging around more these days.

Anyway, I suppose if it means that newspapers pull these old guys out for display every now and then and hit them up for some old stories, it's worth being branded with the record. The Super Bowl win kind of erased some of the shame that was attached to it through 2001. Now we can all look back on it with that embarrassed nostalgic feeling, like how you looked in the 80s. Well, how I looked in the 80s, anyway.

If you care to learn more about the 1976 Buccaneers, Bucpower.com has a whole section dedicated to them.

Posted by Scott at 11:10 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: buccaneer history, larry ball, mercury morris, pat toomay

November 19, 2007

June Released, Hungry

Cato June was finally posted his $500 bond and was released today at 11:25 after being held at the Orient Road jail for over seven hours. By the way, last week Lindsey Lohan served a total of 84 minutes in a holding cell after being convicted of two DUIs in Los Angeles. Who would have thought a blonde, white chick with a huge rack and tons of cash would be treated differently than a large, black man with tattoos driving around on Dale Mabry?

The Tribune ran into June after he reported to One Buc this morning and asked him about the arrest.

"I really don't have much to say about it ... I can't say nothing, not right now at least ... I'm hungry," June said.

Of course he's hungry. He had been drinking all night and then spent all morning in jail without anything to eat. It's not like in LA where they have prime rib buffets and chocolate fountains for their prisoners. The Orient Road jail is for real. Someone give the man a sammich!

Posted by Scott at 2:54 PM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: cato june, hello officer

Cato June Assumes The Position

Cato June is sitting in jail after being arrested for DUI last night, because nothing caps off a near shut out and a nine tackle effort against a division rival on your birthday like getting hammered and doing 21 miles over the limit. He refused to take a breathalyser test, but the arresting officer said June had "bloodshot and glassy eyes" and that he could smell the alcohol on him.

For some reason the sheriff's office doesn't have his mugshot on file yet. But I did learn that June's middle name is Nnamdi, which is kind of cool. You know what's not cool? Getting arrested for DUI. How many times do I have to say it? If you're going to go to jail because your driving is impaired, there should be some chick's face and your lap involved. Like that scene in National Lampoon's Vacation where Beverly D'Angelo's head gets caught underneath the steering wheel. That I could let slide. But driving around Tampa alone and drunk at 3:00 in the morning on your birthday is just sad.

UPDATE: Mug shot available now. I was really hoping he'd have one of those pointy birthday hats on. Oh well.

Posted by Scott at 11:33 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: cato june, hello officer

Atlanta Fans Regret That The Blackout Was Lifted

What happened to Michael Pittman's hands? I guess some rust can be forgiven, but it better not continue beyond this week. B.J. Askew also has good hands and will quickly take over Pittman's snaps if he makes a habit out of dropping easy passes.

Michael Bennett didn't dress for this game, but Byron Storer did despite the fact that Askew was in and Pittman is also an acting fullback. Three available fullbacks seems a bit much, so I'm guessing that Bennett just isn't picking up the playbook quickly enough for Jon Gruden to use him in any situation other than a complete injury depletion of the backfield. It's a shame because he really seems like he could change a game with his speed.

Michael Clayton didn't play an offensive snap yesterday. He had a killer block on special teams, though.

Rod Coleman is a very good player, and the fact that he is not listed on the stat sheet says a lot about how Arron Sears did yesterday.

In fact, the only real breakdown in the offensive line was when John Abraham pushed through Donald Penn for a sack. Jeff Garcia was barely touched in this game.

Greg White and Jovan Haye owned the line of scrimmage. Owned it. Byron Leftwich is going to remember Haye for a while because he will have a bruise shaped like Haye's head on his chest for at least a few weeks. Both White and Haye are free agents (Haye will be an RFA) and next year and the Bucs would be smart to get them signed early. They sooner they sign them, the cheaper they'll be, and they'll already be bargains.

Let's not take anything away from Phillip Buchanon. He is so much better than he used to be and he had a great game. But, man, he could have taken the end of the game a little more seriously. He totally phoned in that coverage on Laurent Robinson and let him get behind him for the catch that set up the Falcons' only score. Buchanon wins against Robinson in any scenario except when Buchanon just isn't trying. How many times have the Bucs pissed away a shutout this season?

Cato June was absolutely everywhere yesterday. He's had some good games as a Buc, but this is the first one where he really dominated. Also, June was down by contact. That play should have ended on the lateral.

Rich McKay has never drafted a wide receiver worth a shit. Think about it. His best one in Tampa Bay was probably Reidel Anthony and it looks like his biggest success story in Atlanta is Roddy White. McKay has some kind of weird talent evaluation blind spot when it comes to receivers.

Was Matt Bryant kicking short kickoffs on purpose? I understand the one pooch kick, but the rest of them fell at the 8, 9, 11, and 13. That seems kind of crappy unless it was intentional for some reason.

The Bucs have only been behind once in their six victories. That was against the Cardinals and it was early in the game when they were down 3-0 briefly in the first quarter. In their four losses, they were ahead in the Seahawks game 6-0 but died out after the first quarter, and they were ahead 3-0 briefly against Jacksonville before they were quickly overtaken. The rest of the time they were behind. What this says to me is that this is a team that runs either very hot or very cold. Good teams (Indianapolis, Jacksonville, Detroit) cause them to make mistakes that they can't seem to recover from. Luckily, they don't really play any more good teams for the rest of the season, so the Bucs could conceivably end the season 11-5, assuming they win most of the games they're supposed to win. But when the playoffs come, they're all good teams. The Bucs have to figure out a way to bring their best games when they need them most, or it's going to be a very short postseason.

Posted by Scott at 10:55 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: arron sears, cato june, falcons, game summary, greg white, jovan haye, michael bennett, michael pittman, rich mckay

November 16, 2007

Jeff Garcia's Arm Is Sore. Or Not.

This whole thing about Jeff Garcia's sore arm is really getting out of hand. Now Stephen Holder is defending the Times against what Garcia said about his arm not being sore. Ugh. How is this a story?

Look, Jon Gruden made a comment about Garcia's arm being sore just like any quarterback's arm would be if it has played in nine games. I think that's a pretty reasonable assumption, but one that Gruden probably didn't clear with Garcia first. Then Garcia gets to the podium the next day and is bombarded by questions about his arm. Of course if this is the first time he's hearing about it, he's going to be defensive. He doesn't know what he should or shouldn't say, so it's best to just say that everything is fine. I'm guessing after the conference, the two of them had a talk and decided that the less said, the better. End of story.

It's all about a miscommunication (or, more precisely, a lack of communication) between Gruden and Garcia. It doesn't reflect on the Times at all because they have the quotes. All they had to do was juxtaposition them together and let the readers take from it what they want. It's not like last time where the Times was diagnosing medical conditions based on loose descriptions and a WebMD search. That was irresponsible.

I think it's safe to say that none of this matters from a game perspective. Garcia had a week off to rest and I wouldn't anticipate any change in the gameplan due to some weakness in his arm.

I respect Holder, but I don't like this angle where we're all supposed to feel sorry for reporters.

So, what 's a reporter to do? Well, generally, you leave well enough alone. You pick your battles in this business. But the problem is that you, the reader, may be left wondering about our credibility after episodes like this.

Waaaaaaaahhhh!! I won't get into a whole rant about how the modern day American media is fucking the country because it would be political and depressing and this blog is supposed to be about football and tits. But don't expect a shred of pity or sympathy from me because a coach and a player got together and decided you needed less information and that your credibility may suffer as a result. No, I take that back. Not credibility, because the Times is established enough to where none of this will affect its credibility in any way. It's about ego. It's almost like Jeff Garcia personally called you a liar and instead of just falling back on the facts, you have to start flailing your arms in defense.

It can be tough not only for us but for a reader to decipher what's what. We'll just keep trying to give you as much information as possible. You're all smart enough to make sense of it all for yourselves.

You used ten paragraphs to tell me you're going to let me figure it out for myself? Come on. I don't think any reporter on the Times staff is brazen enough to just make up quotes from Gruden or Garcia out of thin air. I'm pretty sure you're reporting quotations accurately. And you're right! Look what I did above. I came to a conclusion all on my own just based on those quotes. But just the fact that you felt the need to spell it out for me in a blog entry lets me know that you don't really think I'm smart enough to connect the dots.

Hey, speaking of football and tits, let's lighten the mood with a cheerleader pic! Here's Tiffany. She's hot, and probably has other characteristics as well. The sexy pose says she's in the mood, but the serious stare and the bottle with the skull-and-crossbones says that she'll probably kill you when she's done.

Posted by Scott at 1:06 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: cheerleaders, jeff garcia, jon gruden, someone actually paid this person to write this shit, tampa media

Hot Diggity Daffodil! No Atlanta Blackout.

Local Atlanta businesses, including Flagstar Bank and WAGA-TV, bought the remaining tickets to Sunday's game against the Buccaneers, preventing a second straight blackout and saving me from having to step foot downtown.

Tickets remained available for the 1 p.m. Sunday game on Ticketmaster.com Thursday night, well after the 72-hour deadline had passed, and the Falcons would have faced their second consecutive TV blackout if not for their business partners' intervention.

The article doesn't explain how the Falcons will avoid the blackout when there were still tickets available after the deadline had passed. That would have been a nice question to answer, don't you think? Normally I would take this opportunity to point out the shoddy reporting and questioning the author's heritage, but since the story is good news for me, screw it.

I mean, really... have you seen the fans around the GeorgiaDome? It's like a scene from Dr. Moreau. Except for this guy, who is awesome.

Posted by Scott at 9:11 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: falcons, michael vick

Game 10 Preview: Falcons

Five Things You Didn't Know About The Falcons

1. Alge Crumpler's real first name is Algernon. His father named him after the mouse in the book, Flowers For Algernon. Alge's father later regretted the decision after reading a Thundercats comic and seeing all the much cooler names in there.
2. Arthur Blank's mustache, much like a conical singularity, does not exist in normal space-time, but is in fact a fixed point across an infinite multi-dimensional spectrum. This explains why it always appears to be there, yet not there.
3. Next time you see Byron Leftwich, walk up to him and say, "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?" He loves that.
4. Speaking of Leftwich, the whole reason he was drafted so high from Marshall is because of that comeback he had where he broke his shin and was carried around by his linemen from play to play. Does no one remember that the comeback was against Akron? What was his team doing down by 17 against Akron in the first place?
5. The Falcons web site has players as well as other Falcons employees picking various college games. Last week, the Arkansas/Tennessee game came up and everyone except center Todd McClure and cheerleader Nicole Mo picked Arkansas. I'd like to offer a big, wet fuck you to the rest of those people.
   ("Mo" couldn't have been an easy name to have as a high school cheerleader.)

Bobby Petrino wants Leftwich to start this game even though Joey Harrington has led them to a two game winning streak (can winning two games really be called a "streak"?) Leftwich may not be ready to come back, so we don't know who it will be, but either way it's good for the Bucs. If Harrington starts, you know he's going to be pissed off because he's basically been told he has nothing to play for and Leftwich will eventually replace him regardless of how well he does. If Leftwich starts, the rest of the team will probably be upset that the guy who is finally leading them to wins is sitting on the bench while the crippled dude who they have no chemistry or timing with is out on the field. Add to that the fact that the Bucs defense is #3 in passing yards allowed, #6 in total points allowed and #4 in points allowed, and I think we can count on the Falcons scoring 13 points at most on Sunday.

The Falcons are giving up 121 yards rushing per game and the Bucs get to give Earnest Graham a break on third downs now because Michael Pittman should be back in the lineup. Add a speedy Michael Bennett on a couple plays on the outside (please stop running Bennett in the interior... he's a perimeter guy) and the Bucs should rack up a lot of rushing yards and make some key plays with play-action. One receiver (probably Joey Galloway) will make a big play or two in the passing game, but I see this one being won mainly on the ground. Bucs by 14.

Posted by Scott at 8:18 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: arthur blank, bobby petrino, byron leftwich, earnest graham, falcons, game preview, joey harrington, michael bennett, michael pittman

November 15, 2007

Joey Porter Is Inappropriate, Jackass

Joey Porter has very few redeeming qualities, but when he opens his mouth it's like blogger's gold. Porter was asked if he would welcome Ricky Williams back to the locker room.

"Yeah I would. We're 0-9," Porter said. "I'd welcome bin Laden if he could run the ball like Ricky did."

bin Laden might actually be better than Williams. He's 50 years old and hooked up to a dialysis machine half the day, but has still managed to elude armies of trained soldiers for years. Plus you know that bin Laden isn't constantly high. He might have a tough time finding an agent that meets his criterion, though.

Man, I really hope this quote gets some legs and Porter has to explain in public that he doesn't really want Osama bin Laden to join the Dolphins. Then he'll start talking in enormously exaggerated overly-patriotic cliches and possibly start crying. Somewhere, Levi Jones is waiting in anticipation for this to explode.

Posted by Scott at 1:27 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: douchebags, joey porter, kindly shut your noisehole

A Brief Entry About Injuries

Even though all the talk has been about Michael Pittman, Michael Clayton and Patrick Chukwurah returning to the field this Sunday, they were still "very limited" in practice yesterday. Alex Smith was also very limited, but there's been less speculation about whether he'll play or not. Also, Greg Spires confirmed that he tore his calf and not his Achilles, so he'll only be out for a few more weeks.

The good news is that no one went on injured reserve over the bye week.

Posted by Scott at 10:18 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: alex smith, greg spires, michael clayton, michael pittman, my broken friend, patrick chukwurah

November 14, 2007

Jon Gruden Likes To Yell

There's a great Bucs article in USA Today. No real new information, but the quotes are pretty good.

Jeff Garcia on what he has to listen to in his helmet prior to a play:

"The yelling," Garcia says. "His wanting things to be hurried up, picked up and spit out. He wants me to repeat and transfer the communication to everybody else, and then he starts making the play call while I'm addressing the personnel group. It's just, I mean, sometimes ... it's a little chaotic."

I envision him saying "the yelling" with his head in his hands, trembling slightly. And the word "yelling" comes out in a half-growl. It's got to be hard. Jon Gruden sounds like a combination of Sam Kinison and that one dinosaur that shrieks at you before spraying you in the face with poisonous acid.

Derrick Brooks seems to agree. When asked for differences between Gruden and Tony Dungy, he explains how calm Dungy is and then says this about Gruden:

"With coach Gruden, he'd be screaming, 'You can't be doing that! Aahhh!! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!' It's not so much the cursing part, but the intensity: 'Aaaiiihh-aiiih!'"

Give it a read when you get a chance. And if your boss catches you reading sports while you're on the clock, just yell at him like Gruden does. He'll totally fall in line.

Posted by Scott at 2:58 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: derrick brooks, I want my fucking records back!, jeff garcia, jon gruden

Brad Childress Demands Satisfaction

Mark Craig of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune compares Vikings coach Brad Childress to Les Steckel. Craig could have just punched Childress's mother in the mouth because it wouldn't have been any more insulting.

For those who don't know, Steckel was the man behind the offensive juggernaut that was the 2000 Tampa Bay Buccaneers offense. You remember, the offense that scored three points against the Eagles in the 2000 wildcard game and had 101 yards of production after three quarters. The same offense that made Mike Shula look like his father by comparison. In case you still don't remember, here's a summary: First down, run for two yards. Second down, run for one yard. Third down, incomplete pass. Punt. You can apply that formula to about 75% of the series from that year.

Seriously, at another point in history, Craig's comment would be reason enough to duel at ten paces at dawn. Craig, don't be surprised if you get slapped in the face with a dueling glove here in the near future.

Posted by Scott at 1:08 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: brad childress, obscure references

You Know Who Could Use Some Bad Press Now? The Falcons.

After allowing the Falcons to enjoy a two game winning streak, the Football Gods realized that the team had not suffered nearly enough for giving a $130 million contract to a grown man who drowns puppies. So, they spun their Wheel-O-Scandals and after just barely clicking over "DUI" and "Tranny Hookers" it landed on -- STEROIDS!

God how I wish it had landed on tranny hookers.

A Texas man, ensnarled in an international anabolic steroids sting called "Operation Raw Deal," pleaded guilty to a federal charge of conspiring to distribute anabolic steroids. The man claims to have ties to the Falcons and the Dallas Cowboys.

The Falcons claim no knowledge of him, but that's no surprise. It's not like the team's official steroid provider is going to have an office at their headquarters. His contacts, of course, were the players themselves. Who are huge steroid users, by the way.

Man, how stupid. What kind of jackass is going to try and get away with taking steroids with all the testing technology they have out these days?

The Falcons dealt with a steroids issue last season when offensive lineman Matt Lehr was suspended for four games for violating the league's steroids policy. Lehr, now playing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, told the AJC last November that during his suspension, he returned to his Dallas-area home to work out and be near a support system to help him through the suspension.

Oooh, yeah. Right. Hey, sorry about that "jackass" comment, Matt. We all know you're clean now after seeing the public service video on the effects of steroids.

Posted by Scott at 12:35 PM | Comments (3)
Tags for this article: falcons, juicin' in the usa, nfc south

Hilliard Wants You To Lay Off Of Gruden

This is an old story, but it's kind of hard to bring myself to read Rick Stroud, so it sat in my inbox for a few days.

As other locker rooms in the NFC South start to degenerate into something resembling ant piles without a queen, the Bucs seem to be pulling together in a way not unlike the 2002 season. Take Ike Hilliard, for example, who sticks up for his coach and puts the blame for the four losses on the players.

"We sat here and wrapped maybe 148 carted blitzes (for the Cardinals), and we prepare for every team in that fashion. People need to get off Coach [Jon] Gruden a little bit. He's done a great job of preparing us every week. It's just a shame on us for being 5-4 because it should be a lot better than that."

No divisiveness, no malcontents, no finger-pointing. It's all running pretty smoothly over at One Buc, which is what the rest of the article kind of says. It's nice to read something positive in the press for a change, but it comes across as insincere when it happens nine games into the season. The title of the article shows how Stroud really feels. It questions what else Gruden has to do to keep his job, but never attempts to answer that in the content. The implication is that he still hasn't done enough. Quit trying to fool us into thinking you're on the bandwagon, Stroud. We know you.

Posted by Scott at 10:41 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: ike hilliard, jon gruden, tampa media

November 13, 2007

Falcon Fans Are Fickle

This article speculates on who will be the quarterback for the Falcons in Sunday's game, and I have to tell you, I couldn't care any less if it was written in Cantonese. An immobile white guy with a history of failure or an immobile black guy with a history of injuries, that's pretty much the choice. No, here's the part that earned my scorn:

Also, there are some tickets available to the game vs. Tampa Bay, meaning, if there are unsold seats by 1 p.m. Thursday, the game could be blacked out on local television.

Oh, so one little 3-6 season and a few dog slaughterings and all of a sudden you guys don't support your team? Come on, people, don't make me actually go to the Georgia Dome to see this. I bought Sunday Ticket for a reason... I don't like to be around you. Nothing personal, but most of you suck. Now get out there and buy the rest of those tickets. I mean, really, what else are you going to do in Atlanta on a Sunday afternoon? Church will be over and the only NASCAR race is the Ford 400. That's worth missing to see Joey Harrington, right? Anyone?

Posted by Scott at 1:38 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: falcons

Colts Need Some Instant Rice

Simeon Rice needs to send a muffin basket to whichever Chargers lineman messed up Dwight Freeney's left foot because he's the only reason Rice isn't sitting at home right now. Rice was claimed off of waivers by the Colts, which means that teams in order from worst record to best can make a claim on his current contract before he is released outright into free agency. I'm not sure if they go by current record or prior season, but either way, most other teams passed on him before he landed on a team in desperate need of a right defensive end.

Keep an eye on the rest of his season. I'm betting he doesn't make much of an impact. I'm not a big Mike Shanahan fan, but it's unlikely he's going to release a player that is of any use to him at all. And since I can't stand to put another picture of Rice on this site for a while, here's the gnome trying to stifle his laugher as he learns someone actually claimed him.

Posted by Scott at 7:27 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: colts, simeon rice

November 12, 2007

Hampty Hampts Out, Ratliff In

The Buccaneers released Chas Gessner today and signed Keiwan Ratliff (no link yet), who was with the Bengals before they released him in September.

As a cornerback, Ratliff has three interceptions in four years. As a punt returner, he is averaging 7.5 yards per return. I guess with Torrie Cox now on injured reserve, this move makes some sense since Cox was also a good returner as well as a decent fourth corner. But the fact that Ratliff sat around in free agency for a month and a half makes me think that he's not going to see a lot of time on defense. Between him and Micheal Spurlock, it seems like the Bucs are taking the "expendable crewman" approach to the return game and just putting nameless players out there to catch the ball and run like maniacs into oncoming traffic. Watch for these guys to wear red shirts regardless of where the Bucs play.

Posted by Scott at 12:42 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: chas gessner, keiwan ratliff, micheal spurlock, rummaging through the scrapheap, you're cut too shushie

Bucs Win By Not Playing

The Buccaneers solidified their position at the top of the NFC South and helped themselves immensely in the wildcard race by staying home and drinking beer. This lends credibility to my theory that if I just sit here and fuck off all day long that I will eventually rise to the position of president. I will also stop exercising and eat only Ho-Hos in an attempt to win Mr. Universe. I'm ambitious like that.

After Reggie Bush scored an admittedly impressive touchdown just over two minutes into the Saints game against the Rams, it looked like the Saints were going to walk away with another victory. Then 34 Rams points and three quarters later, they were still nursing that same touchdown and making the winless Rams look brilliant. I mean, come on. A running back pass to a receiver in the end zone? LaDainian Tomlinson did that three times in Drew Brees's last season in San Diego. Brees couldn't have warned his defense about that when he saw the formation they lined up in? Not that I wasn't happy about it. In fact, I don't know of any other time I've rooted for the Rams.

The Panthers have lost every single home game so far this season. Isn't that just fantastic? They might as well allow the visiting team to name their stadium for a day. The Falcons could have named it "Bad Newz Field" yesterday because Michael Vick jokes never, ever get old. Where else could Joey Harrington have completed 73% of his passes and Morten Andersen connect from 47 yards out? Meanwhile, Vinny Testaverde put down his walker long enough to throw for under 50% and no touchdowns as announcers droned on and on about his experience and everything he's seen in his 21 years in the league. Every time the Falcons blitzed and Vinny heaved the ball to no one, they made it a point to say that he's seen that blitz before. "You know, Testaverde has seen more ways to piss a game away than anyone else in the league." As awesome as Steve Smith is, he can't turn that team around without a quarterback. To their credit, though, Jon Beason looks like a really solid draft pick.

So, thanks to the Saints and Panthers losing to vastly inferior teams yesterday, the Bucs are alone in first place in the NFC South with one-and-a-half game leads on both of them. And with the Giants, Redskins and Lions all losing, the Bucs are only one game out of a wildcard spot... just in case the Saints pull it together and somehow win the division.

Ha! Who am I kidding? Buy your playoff tickets now, people.

Posted by Scott at 10:17 AM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: falcons, nfc south, panthers, saints, vinny testaverde

November 10, 2007

Trueblood Will have To Forgo That Ivory Backscratcher

Jeremy Trueblood was fined $15,000 by the league for bumping into an officlal during the Cardinals game. The fine seems in-line with the $30,000 fine Ronde Barber got for accidentally punching an official a couple years ago. But the Times covers an angle I hadn't considered.

The Bucs were upset after the game, accusing the Cardinals of instigation by swatting at the ball prior to the snap.

I hadn't covered the "false start" penalty because it didn't really affect the outcome of the game, but looking back at it (yes, I keep them on DVR,) it does seem dirty. Mike Pereira didn't discuss it in his segment on NFL Network and I haven't read anything on the league looking into it, so I guess it's not going to come up. At first I thought Trueblood just lost his cool because he was sticking up for Davin Joseph, but maybe he was frustrated because the Cardinals were cheating and apparently getting away with it. I really like this guy.

Posted by Scott at 11:41 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: jeremy trueblood

Simeon Is Unemployed Again

The Denver Broncos are currently 26th in overall defense and 29th in points allowed. It seems like they could definitely use some help on that side of the ball. Which makes their release of Simeon Rice even more of a confirmation that Bruce Allen did the right thing the night before training camp.

"Under the current situation we felt like we were better with the younger players that we do have,'' coach Mike Shanahan said. "They give us the best chance to win and that's the direction we are going.''

If he couldn't help the 7th worst defense in the league, what chance did he have of helping out the Bucs?

(I wouldn't even be bringing this up again if Rice hadn't talked all that shit about Jon Gruden on his way out of town.)

Posted by Scott at 11:18 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: broncos, simeon rice

November 9, 2007

Buccaneers Playoff Strategy

The Bucs really need to win the NFC South if they're going to make it into the playoffs. The NFC East has three teams that are all over .500 and the NFC North has two. All of those teams are on what you might call hot streaks, while the Bucs followed two mistake-riddled losses by squeaking out a win against a Cardinals team that played so badly that it is haunting Kurt Warner's nightmares. And if you've seen his wife, you know he's not easily scared. Seriously, I'd rather fuck an active 4-slot toaster than Brenda Warner.

But in case the Saints do make a late run for the division title, we need a strategy for getting the Bucs into the playoffs. In general, we're rooting for one team to win each NFC division in a landslide while the other teams wallow around in their mediocrity. So if the Bucs somehow miss out on winning their division, they can land one of the wildcard spots as long as they have a halfway decent record. As it stands today, we want the Cowboys and Packers to continue winning and for the Giants, Redskins and Lions to fall down a gorge.

The Redskins I'm not so worried about. They were beaten like Amy Winehouse by the Patriots and were so humiliated and angry that the next week they took out their aggressions on the super-crappy Jets and won by a field goal in overtime. If you can't beat the Jets this year during regulation, you should be automatically disqualified from the playoffs. The Giants (and specifically Eli Manning) traditionally have sucked serious balls late in the season, but a six-game winning streak is nothing to sneeze at (despite the fact that some of those wins were against Miami, San Francisco, Atlanta and the Jets.) The rest of their schedule is kind of hard, though, so there's a chance they could get whipped a few times and fall out of the running. I have a feeling that if they lose a really embarrassing one that the old Tom Coughlin will be back and making up for lost time in his morale-killing. The Lions are difficult to analyze because they haven't beaten anyone with a winning record except the Bucs, but they seem resilient. The good news is that their schedule gets tougher later in the season and Matt Millen is still steering the ship.

So this week, Bucs fans should root for the Rams, Falcons, Packers, Eagles (sorry), Raiders, Cardinals, Cowboys and Seahawks.

And this is it. The bye week is almost over and no Buccaneers have been arrested or shot their mouths off, so there's very little to talk about. With that in mind, this will probably be the only entry for the day. Which means I'll need some sort of crutch.

Posted by Scott at 11:23 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: cheerleaders, giants, lions, redskins

November 8, 2007

Bucs Are Staging American Idol For Wide Receivers

Hey, the Bucs brought in some wide receivers to work out on Tuesday! Oh, thank God. Finally they can get some much needed depth at the position. I'll bet Peter Warrick was one of them.

That group included David Ball (New Hampshire), Cortez Hankton (Texas Souther), Julius McClellan (North Carolina Central) and Jerard Rabb (Boise State). Former Boise State QB Jared Zabransky threw to the group.

Who the fuck are these guys?!? I didn't even know New Hampshire had a football program. Fox could definitely turn this into a reality show where some unknown and under-talented schmuck wins a chance to be inactive for a real NFL game. If he's lucky, he'll be able to get on the field on punt coverage where he'll be blocked three feet into the dirt by an overachieving linebacker, and then never heard fro again.

Why oh why do Bruce Allen and Jon Gruden continue to try and mine the dregs of the undrafted free agent pool for some undiscovered gleam of talent when there are guys out there who at the very least have demonstrated some potential in the NFL? Some of them have been injured, sure. But so was Michael Clayton and they seem to want to stick with him. Doug Gabriel, Az-Zahir Hakim, Todd Pinkston, David Terrell, Jerome Pathon. They all have some flaw that has made them available this late in the season, but they all have made plays in an NFL game. Christ, Gabriel was catching touchdowns from Tom Brady last year. Doesn't that count for something? And you know none of them aren't going to cost anything. Most of them are willing to work for peanuts at this stage in their careers. And I mean actual peanuts. Like an elephant.

I'm sure there's some reason they don't want to bring some of them in, but you can't tell me they're all blacklisted. And if they are, I've got more! Antonio Bryant, Bethel Johnson, Corey Bradford, Rashaun Woods. I can't believe someone needs to try to convince Gruden to stop looking so hard at unproven rookies and give a veteran a second chance. That's like having to convince Michael Vick to stop all his humanitarian work and start beating the shit out of dogs.

Posted by Scott at 9:52 AM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: doug gabriel, jon gruden, rummaging through the scrapheap

Tanard Jackson Should Have Been Picked Higher

Mike Mayock took a look at rookie production through the first eight games of the season and ranked who the top ten picks should have been. Obviously Adrian Peterson was going to be number one and you knew Patrick Willis was going to be in there somewhere (he was number 2.) But the biggest surprise to everyone besides Buccaneer fans was that Tanard Jackson was listed as number ten. Here's the list, with the player's actual draft position in parenthesis:

1. Adrian Peterson (7)
2. Patrick Willis (11)
3. Joe Thomas (3)
4. LaRon Landry (6)
5. Amobi Okoye (10)
6. Tony Ugoh (42)
7. Aaron Ross (20)
8. Ben Grubbs (29)
9. Dwayne Bowe (23)
10. Tanard Jackson (106)

The implication here is that the Bucs got the steal of the draft. I'm sure Dallas Clark and his neck would agree. Sadly, Gaines Adams is nowhere to be found.

Posted by Scott at 9:27 AM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: tanard jackson

November 7, 2007

I Agree With Z? What's Next, Dogs And Cats Living Together?

I thought briefly about continuing with the storyline from earlier today and proclaiming that CNNSI's Dr. Z must not be getting blown by the Heather Rothstein, but I think that bit ran its course. So for those of you looking for more blowjob jokes at the Saints' expense, sorry. I promise to make it up to you in the near future.

In any event, Dr. Z did release his own Power Rankings today where he has the Saints ranked at #14 and the Bucs at a meaty #9. The Bucs are actually the highest-ranked five win team in the league according to Z. It all looks pretty fair, although I might rank the Saints a little higher than 14 just because of the winning streak. Plus it's hard to discount the Browns, and I might have bumped them above the Bucs, which I never thought I'd say or think. I mean, the Browns? Who knew?

So anyway, it looks like the old man got it right this week. If he keeps on demonstrating this kind of understanding of the game, the Panthers may just call him in to workout at quarterback.

Posted by Scott at 2:37 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: dr. z

Rich McKay Isn't So Chatty Anymore

You know how the Tampa media is always dogging Bruce Allen for stonewalling them and not offering too much information about the team? It turns out that Rich McKay is getting the same treatment in Atlanta now.

So what's up with this? Can't tell you, because the supposedly media-savvy NFL executive when he joined the Falcons from Tampa four seasons ago rarely has returned phone calls to reporters for months. When you do see McKay around the Falcons' practice facility or at the Georgia Dome, don't blink. He'll disappear in a flash. If you didn't know better, you'd get the impression he can't stand the heat from the inferno around Flowery Branch.

And for those of you who think it's my imagination that McKay's ghost still looms large in Tampa, I'm not alone.

He remains so popular in west central Florida that you get the feeling that one of those bridges from Tampa to Pinellas County will bear his name someday.

Actually, it would be more appropriate to name a race track after him. It gets you out of where you are in a hurry, but you come back around very soon on the other side.

Here's another Atlanta article that neatly categorizes McKay's fuck ups with the Falcons. It's pretty good, especially the part about former players awaiting sentencing. Arthur Blank seems like a pretty patient guy, but I can't imagine he's going to let this go on forever. If the Falcons finish with fewer than five wins, there's a good chance he keeps Bobby Petrino around but replaces McKay.

Posted by Scott at 11:30 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: falcons, nfc south, rich mckay

Power Rankings = Bullshit

The Saints have hired a new staff member that not many people know about. Her sole job is to fly to the headquarters of various national media outlets, find the writers that contribute to their NFL Power Rankings, and blow them on behalf of the New Orleans Saints. Some of those rankings are compiled by several writers, so there are some days when she's under desks giving head all day long. Because she is in such a sensitive position, her identity is kept a close secret by the Saints brass, but I have my suspicions.

This is the only possible explanation I can think of as to why the Saints are ranked so high in this week's Power Rankings (actually, I had thought of a couple other explanations, but I really like this one the best.)

Let's first take a look at ESPN. The Saints are ranked #11 and the Bucs are #13. Notice that the Saints are ranked above two teams with better records than theirs, including a team that actually beat them 31-14. Now, I will give ESPN the benefit of the doubt here. The Saints are, indeed, on a roll now and they did beat two teams that the Bucs lost to. But the rest of their season is just about as easy as Tampa Bay's, and the Bucs have several guys coming back to the roster after the bye. I say because of their head-to-head loss against the Bucs that the Saints should be ranked lower. But this isn't so egregious. I attribute this to the fact that the rankings are compiled by eight different guys, so the Saints special agent couldn't spend enough quality time with each of them. Also, one of them is Len Pasquerelli, whom she refused to touch, so I'm sure he held that against the team.

But the FoxSports rankings... holy shit. I'm guessing Ms. Rothstein is a Republican because she obviously went above and beyond with the Fox guy. I mean, we're talking about stuff she would need to shower thoroughly after. Weird stuff. Butt stuff. The Saints are ranked at #8 while the Buccaneers toil away at #15. The Saints, at 4-4, are even above the Lions who are at 6-2 and just came off of a 44-7 ass-kicking of the Broncos. In fact, New Orleans is ranked above five teams with better records. Regardless of a seemingly easy upcoming schedule and a current winning streak, there is no justification for ranking this team so high. Head, people. I'm telling you... it's all about head.

Posted by Scott at 10:34 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: give me a br