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December 30, 2007

Game 16 Preview: Panthers

Hey, guess what I forgot to do! Oh well, it's not like there's a lot to preview this afternoon. The Bucs will play mostly third-stringers and ball boys and Carolina will start Matt Moore at quarterback and the whole thing will be as sloppy and uncoordinated as first-time sex, except this will last about 90 times longer. After a season where the big free-agent acquisition for the Panthers was David Carr, I'm pretty sure they'll just be happy when they can stop pretending that they even have pride left to play for. I just saw where the goals for the Panthers should be to "finish strong and be professional".

The only mildly interesting point here is that Vinny Testaverde will retire after today, adding a whole "full circle" aspect to the game, but not the fun kind. Hey, look! Chad Lucas just caught a 51 yard pass. Did you know he was on the team? Happy New Year's everyone. I'll see you in a couple days when it starts getting interesting.

Posted by Scott at 1:10 PM | Comments (4)
Tags for this article: game preview, panthers

December 28, 2007

Warren Sapp Is Generous

Warren Sapp was visited by three ghosts last Sunday, and they all took the form of 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalties. He was so moved by their messages of "shut the fuck up" and "stop arguing with officials" that he left the game to contemplate his place in life. He returned several days later and announced that he was going to donate $75,000 to the NFL for them to buy Christmas turkeys for poor families and also to help cure Tiny Tim (Dwight).

In other ex-Bucs-now-with-awful-awful-teams news, Warrick Dunn does not want to retire with the taste of the 2007 season in his mouth.

"I can't go out like this," Dunn told the paper. "This is not the way I think anyone should go out. Any guy whose ever thinking about retiring and had to go through a situation like this, I don't think this is the way you should go out. You need to go out on better terms. I'll definitely come back next year and play football."

Mike Singletary is said to be one of the top candidates for the Falcons' head coaching job, meaning that Dunn would be coming back to another rookie head coach, except this one would be a defensive specialist. Wheee!!

Finally, in news that Buc fans have known for months but the national media is just now hearing about, Greg White had a front page piece on ESPN a couple days ago. Turns out people think he's pretty good. Who knew? Oh yeah, WE did. Len Pasquarelli must have lost a bet to write this article because he obviously didn't enjoy it. He takes every opportunity to downplay White's actual talent.

But there are a lot of players in the NFL, many of them with significantly higher profiles and fatter paychecks, who wouldn't mind copying the success of the modestly talented White.

An overnight sensation five years in the making, White ranks among the season's best stories, perhaps the player in the league who has come the closest in 2007 to literally maxing out his talents.

Jeez, Len, it's not like the guy is a one-armed midget or something. He does have some natural physical talent. Oh, and you spelled Jon Gruden's name wrong. Asshat.

Posted by Scott at 12:36 AM | Comments (3)
Tags for this article: greg white, mike singletary, warren sapp, warrick dunn

December 26, 2007

The C.H.U.D.s Are Coming To Tampa

Or, as they are sometimes known, the Giants. They have secured the fifth seed in the NFC and the Buccaneers are firmly entrenched in the fourth seed, which means that this upcoming game with the Panthers is about as meaningful as a wink from a stripper. I'm sure most of the important players will show up for the game, but chances are not too many of them are going to take off their visors. Gary Shelton disagrees with this philosophy.

Hey, it's football. You play. A contract is for 16 games. You play. You try to turn nine wins into 10. You play. You try to keep the juices flowing, and you try to allow a team to feel better about itself, and you try to enter the postseason with a little swagger. You play.

Normally I would support the idea of building momentum and staying sharp for the playoffs. And I still do, kind of. But after Maurice Stovall broke his arm and Joey Galloway tweaked his shoulder and Greg White had to leave the game with some injury that I never did get a decent description of, I've decided to modify my position. The starters need to play a little, maybe a quarter. That's it. The team has no depth left at receiver or running back, the defensive line is banged up and no one has really played sharply for a few weeks. The Carolina game would be a nice one to win and be the first NFC South team to ever sweep the division. But God forbid Earnest Graham twists an ankle or Ronde Barber tears a pectoral in a game that has nothing to do with the playoffs. I mean, Stovall broke his arm. That's some serious shit.

So, the Giants are playing New England on Saturday and will either be completely bummed out from being the team that usher the Patriots into perfection or will be totally drained after having left it all out of the field to beat the Patriots that they won't be able to get up for the wildcard game. I like the Bucs' chances at home against the Giants under these conditions, assuming, of course, they're smart enough to unseal the manholes and get to Tampa at all.

Posted by Scott at 11:08 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: giants, greg white, joey galloway, maurice stovall, my broken friend, panthers

December 24, 2007

After The Gold Rush

Now that was ugly. And I don't mean Kirsten-Dunst-without-makeup-ugly. I mean the-Bucs-are-gonna-get-pantsed-in-the-playoffs-ugly. And it has nothing to do with backups coming into the game. It was awful pretty much from the beginning.

Alex Smith, Michael Clayton and Joey Galloway all had passes laid into them perfectly and dropped. That high one that Smith tipped up and got intercepted I don't feel so bad about because the pass wasn't that good, but the easy ones are just so frustrating.

The left side of the offensive line, including the center, was no match for San Francisco's defensive line. Donald Penn was outmanned all day and Arron Sears got absolutely no push. The right side did somewhat better, but really no one was opening holes for the running game and Jeff Garcia got hit way too much.

Forget the starters, you know who was coming up big for the Bucs in the game? Michael Pittman and Jerramy Stevens. Pittman knows the offense and knows how to get open to get something out of an aborted play. And Stevens is proving to be a reliable receiver.

Maurice Stovall broke his arm and is out for the rest of the season. Because of this, you may see Stevens a lot more in the playoffs. He's big and physical like Stovall and may be able to take his place on certain plays.

You could just feel Clayton's disappointment in himself when he came down out of bounds on the two-point conversion. Good. I hope he feels like shit and learns something from it. I know it's not very Christmasy, but damn it, you see receivers make much more acrobatic catches under much more difficult circumstances. That was a rookie mistake.

Jovan Haye and Ryan Sims both looked impressive. If Larry Coyer can get Sims to play to the potential he had coming out of the draft, he'll be a huge steal.

How does a guy as fast and strong as Quincy Black let Frank Gore get away fro him?

Something was wrong with the secondary yesterday. I don't know if it was the coaching or the execution, but Vernon Davis's and Darrell Jackson's touchdowns were a breakdown in something. Jackson's was actually caught between Brian Kelly and Will Allen.

Ok, so now the Bucs defense has allowed Quinn Gray, Sage Rosenfels and Shaun Hill to beat them. Seven touchdowns to one interception. Are all these backup quarterbacks just that good? Are the Bucs not preparing adequately because they think they don't have to? Or is this a defense that is overranked because of a very, very weak NFC South?

Special teams can eat my balls. How many punts can he put on the ground before someone finally shoves a football up Phillip Buchanon's ass? Even Micheal Spurlock almost lost a fumble before a review confirmed he was down by contact... barely. Just put Pittman back there and let him do whatever he can. At least you know he has good hands.

Again, the Bucs had two trips into the San Francisco red zone to start the game and had to settle for two field goals. It's just not good enough. Let's just say the Bucs beat whoever comes to Tampa. Does anyone think the Cowboys are going to have any trouble with the Bucs in Dallas? Rest the starters for the Panthers game, but for the love of God, no rest at practice. Not even for Galloway. From what I saw, everyone needs to work on the basics.

Posted by Scott at 7:02 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: 49ers, game summary

December 22, 2007

Spurlock Has Ball Of Bronze

The Bucs are going to have the football Micheal Spurlock scored his touchdown with bronzed and put on display at team headquarters. There was some speculation that the Hall of Fame in Canton would want the football or maybe Spurlock's shoes for themselves, but that is apparently not the case. Even though Buccaneer fans have been celebrating the touchdown for a week, we shouldn't forget that the achievement is only significant to us because it took so damn long to get it. It's not really a good record, you know? I don't think there's anything in the Hall of Fame

The comments in the Times thread quickly turned into a call for a "Ring of Honor" for the Buccaneers, and I can't say I disagree. The team spent all that money on statues commemorating the Super Bowl victory. They have a Lombardi trophy and surely several other pieces that Buc fans would like to be able to see. Why are they kept behind the wrought iron gates of One Buc Place so that only Buccaneer employees can view them? The article says there's plans to showcase the trophy, but doesn't go into detail. We'll see, but now that all the real demons have been excised, maybe the Glazers can start acknowledging the past with a little more regularity.

Posted by Scott at 10:41 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: buccaneer history, micheal spurlock

December 21, 2007

Game 15 Preview: 49ers

Five Things You Didn't Know About The 49ers

1. Michael L. Lewis, also known as the "Beer Man", is 5 foot 7, 173 pounds, did not attend college and walked on to the New Orleans Saints team as a kick returner from his job as a beer truck driver at age 29. I only include this tidbit to give hope to any undersized, non-college-educated guys who are sick of their jobs.
2. Michael M. Lewis, who came to the 49ers from the Eagles last year, is pissed he doesn't have as good a story. He will also not answer to "Beer Man".
3. Nate Clements signed an 8-year, $80 million deal with the 49ers in the offseason. His guaranteed money is $22.6 million. Clements currently has 3 INTs, putting them at just over $7.5 million per interception.
4. Chris Weinke was the starting quarterback as a 29-year old rookie during the Panthers' 1-15 season. George Seifert has a voodoo doll of Weinke, but to date has only ripped the hair out of it.
5. Larry Allen is the two-time champ of the NFL's Strongest Man contest, benching 225 43 times in 2006 and 41 times in 2007. He once benched 700 pounds solo. In other news, I successfully carried a moderately heavy box up to the attic without severely injuring myself. Boo yah!

Shaun Hill got his first victory as a starter last week against the Bengals. And that's all well and good, but the Bengals pretty much suck this year, so it doesn't mean as much as it would have against a team that had even one healthy linebacker. The fact remains that the 49er offense is at the bottom of the league in just about every measurable category. Yards, points, turnovers, time of possession... all of them. The Buccaneer defense, on the other hand, is currently #3 overall. Hill may have completed 75% of his passes last week, but Mike Nolan knows the Bucs' pass defense is a little more challenging than Cincinnati's, so look for Frank Gore to get the ball early. If the Bucs can keep him from making any headway on first and second down, the 49ers will be lucky to gain 200 yards all day. I expect substitutions to start being made in the defense in the third quarter.

The 49er defense is exactly one person: Patrick Willis. I'm pretty sure other guys suit up on game day in red and gold and run around and stuff, but they are essentially inconsequential. Willis is a monster against the run and is fast enough to cover the deep crosses. I would think Sunday will be a day to throw early to put the game away and then run it out with Earnest Graham in the second half. The 49ers are susceptible to the deep ball, so with Nate Clements on Joey Galloway, I predict Ike Hilliard has another strong day. Bucs by 17.

Starting today, posts will be irregular through January 2. And I don't mean "irregular" like those cheap-ass jeans Macy's tries to pass off to you for $10 a pair. I mean irregular like infrequent. I guess I could have just said "infrequent" to begin with. Anyway, some days I'll post and some I won't, so let me take this time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I have received many very nice emails and comments over the last couple weeks and I am truly overwhelmed by the sentiments. Seriously, I really appreciate all of you taking time out of your days to read my profane ramblings and hooker jokes. I encourage all you lurkers out there to get involved and leave a comment or two in the new year. I mean, if you're going to loaf at your job like you are right now, might as well take the extra minute or two to insult an Eagles fan, right? Go Bucs!

Posted by Scott at 12:30 PM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: 49ers, chris weinke, earnest graham, game preview, ike hilliard, larry allen, michael lewis, patrick willis, shaun hill

December 20, 2007

You'd Think That People Would Have Had Enough Of Silly Roster Moves

It barely warrants mentioning, but Jerramy Stevens came back to work yesterday after a one game suspension for a DUI conviction. I think. I'm pretty sure that's what it was for. It's hard to pay attention to everyday crimes like DUI after the sensationalism of Mike Vick and his doggie Thunderdome set the bar so much higher.

To make room for Stevens to come back, Zack Crockett was waived and then quickly claimed off waivers by the Cowboys.

Posted by Scott at 12:41 PM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: jerramy stevens, michael vick, you're cut too shushie, zack crockett

Bucs Snubbed Again

First the Pro Bowl and now this. ESPN has made a list of the 13 worst NFL teams since 1978 and the Buccaneers are nowhere to be found. Oh, sure, the 1980 Saints are there and so are the 1991 Colts and the 1990 Patriots, all of whom sucked miles of donkey dick. But to leave off the 1986 Buccaneers is just insulting. That team had more suckage than an open hatch on the space shuttle.

The season started with a draft where the high point for the Bucs was their first round selection telling them that he would not play for them under any circumstances. The offense kicked off the season with Steve DeBerg throwing seven interceptions in a single game. Two of the franchise's best players, Kevin House and Jimmie Giles, were released in the middle of the season. The team had Steve Young as the starting quarterback for most of the year and still wound up 2-14 under the leadership [sic] of Leeman Bennett. Oh, and the defense gave up an average of 30 points per game. And were ranked last in the NFL. And that's just what I remember. Imagine if I dug around a little bit.

The 1986 Buccaneers were the absolute worst Bucs team in franchise history. They may have won two games, but they were still worse than the 1976 Bucs. Leeman Bennett was so bad that Hugh Culverhouse, a man widely know as unbelievably cheap, fired him with three years left on his contract.

No, if ESPN wants to keep the number at 13, they need to drop one of the ones they have on their list and add the 1986 Bucs. Drop the 1989 Cowboys. They were bad, but they had a plan and a core of talent. Yes, the Bucs had James Wilder and Scot Brantley who were both good players, but were past their prime and had been mismanaged so badly that they really no longer resembled themselves when 1986 rolled around. Buccaneer fans had to suffer through the indignity of that season; they should at least be recognized for it.

Posted by Scott at 10:46 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: buccaneer history, hugh culverhouse, james wilder, jimmie giles, kevin house, leeman bennett, scot brantley

Someone's Gonna Shoot Bill Parcells

Sometimes you just have to stand back and admire the impudence it takes for someone to be a complete and total motherfucker to whomever they please and not give a hot horse shit about what anyone thinks. Bill Parcells is one such motherfucker. After telling Chris Mortensen yesterday that his deal with the Falcons was almost done and having Arthur Blank fly up to New York to meet with him and sign the contract, Parcells backed out and started talking with the Dolphins instead about a similar position with their team. Kind of like when Parcells pulled the plug on a job with the Buccaneers in 1992. Or like when Parcells decided not to take a job with the Buccaneers at the last minute in 2002. In each case he took a coaching position with a different team the following season. I am convinced Parcells has a collection of 12-sided dice that he uses to make all the major decisions in his life.

After all this, I'm pretty sure someone is going to have Parcells murdered. Now's the perfect time to kill him because he is hated so deeply by so many. There are simply too many suspects for the police to deal with. Blank surely wants him dead after leaving him with an unsigned contract and still making him buy lunch. You know Mortensen wants to kill him for telling him the deal was set and having him go public with the story, then making him look like a jackass when he did a 180. Rich McKay would like to see him dead because Parcells's early acceptance of the job made it public that McKay was out as the GM; Blank can't go back to McKay now that everyone knows he wants to replace him. And I'd like to shoot him myself because I was really looking forward to guys like DeAngelo Hall and Roddy White getting demeaning and embarrassing nicknames from Parcells during press conferences. And those are just the people he pissed off yesterday. Parcells has been a cockbag in this league for almost 25 years! You know there's at least one Danny McGrath out there with Parcells as #1.

Well, the good news out of all this is Rich McKay's public humiliation. Blank said without hesitation that he was going to find a new GM. This leaves McKay with relatively little to do besides coordinate repairs on the Georgia Dome and watch the cheerleaders shower through the security cameras. He will leave the Falcons with no head coach, no quarterback prospects and a ridiculous salary cap situation. Not even the nuthuggers in Tampa who supported him all these years can deny his ineptitude in Atlanta.

Meanwhile, the Bucs are NFC South champions with over $31 million in cap space to work with next year and 21 of 22 starters under contract for 2008.

Posted by Scott at 9:01 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: arthur blank, bill parcells, chris mortensen, dolphins, douchebags, falcons, rich mckay

December 19, 2007

Being Mayor Is Hard

Tampa Mayor Pam Iorio used all of her political power and influence to proclaim Monday December 17, 2007 as a day to celebrate the Buccaneers' first touchdown kickoff return. This makes four Buccaneers that I can think of that have their own days (Spurlock, Matt Bryant, John Lynch, Tony Dungy.) Mothers, by the way, still have just the one.

I want to be mayor so I can proclaim special days for the people I admire, too. Like "Guy-In-The-Beige-Corrola-Who-Let-Me Get-In-Front-Of-Him-In-Rush-Hour Day" or "Strippers-Who-Don't-Try-To-Trick-You-Into-Buying-Them-Drinks Day" or "Whoever-Shoots-Bill-O'Reilly-In-The-Spine Day". Any of those would be cool. I'll stop now because this is starting to sound like a Budweiser commercial (cue David Bickler.)

Posted by Scott at 1:41 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: micheal spurlock, pam iorio, people with too much time

Please Let This Happen

Bill Parcells has been offered the position of Vice President of Football Operations with the Atlanta Falcons. The position would have him technically reporting to Rich McKay, but we all know that would last only as long as it takes McKay to find a new job because there's no way he and Parcells could co-exist in the same state much less on the same staff. He even said so.

In 1996, before the Bucs hired Tony Dungy as a first-time NFL head coach, Tampa Bay owner Malcolm Glazer considered bringing Parcells aboard. McKay, however, told the Glazer family that he would resign if Parcells took the job.

And Parcells has only gotten grumpier and more abrasive while McKay has developed a permanent case of vaginitis. If McKay were to stick around for some reason, it would be nothing but turmoil and drama in Flowery Branch because the two of them are just too different. If McKay left, he would do so with the reputation of having taken a potential Super Bowl team and destroying them from the inside-out like a big, bald termite. I get free entertainment no matter what happens!

I have to admit, I like Parcells. I realize he's a huge bastard and has left the Bucs at the alter twice and he's probably even more of a miserable prick in real life than he is on TV, but I love listening to him. If he joined the Falcons, I'd probably have to move them from the list of teams that should be drowned for their own good to the list of teams that I will root for as long as their success doesn't hurt Tampa Bay. Yes, I make lots of lists.

UPDATE: Here's a much better article about the development. Apparently it is further along than I originally thought. Parcells says, "I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it."

Posted by Scott at 9:54 AM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: bill parcells, falcons, rich mckay

Bucs Get Big Hawaiian Screw Job

The Buccaneers defense is currently #3 in total yards allowed, #2 in passing yards allowed and #1 in points allowed leaguewide. And yet not a single Buc is going to the Pro Bowl. Barrett Ruud led the league in tackles for a good part of the season, Jermaine Phillips is having a career year, Greg White has 8 sacks and 7 forced fumbles. Nothing.

I realize the game is for superstars and you can't really point to any on the Bucs roster, but it's pretty insulting when the Buccaneers are the only division winner without a player in the Pro Bowl. Cincinnati, St. Louis, San Francisco, hell even Miami who just won their first game three days ago... all shit teams that have accomplished nothing this year. They're all sending someone to Honolulu in February. The Bucs, on the other hand, are equal to the Falcons in terms of Pro Bowl representation. Fuck that.

Bucs players need to go to the Pro Bowl anyway and crash that luau. The security is pretty light there; I'm sure they could have some fun. For example, during the wide receiver skills competition, Phillips could run onto the field and spear Torry Holt in full pads and helmet as he's reaching for that really high ball. Or Ruud could sneak up behind Tony Romo on one of those tours of the island and push him into a volcano. Not smiling now, are you Tony? Then Ruud could go back to Romo's hotel room and fuck Jessica Simpson just on principle. It's not like she'd notice. Ahh, well. One can dream.

Posted by Scott at 9:10 AM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: barrett ruud, getting screwed, greg white, jermaine phillips

December 18, 2007

The Times Is Ass-Kisstacular

A couple weeks after fellow Times writer and former hater Gary Shelton wrote his article/admission about how Jon Gruden deserves to keep his job, John Romano publicly declares that Bruce Allen deserves credit for the Buccaneers' turnaround.

Yet, now that the Buccaneers have won their second division title in three seasons, it might be worth reconsidering Allen's value as a general manager. As in, maybe he has more than you realized.

That's where my pupils dilated and I could feel myself turning into the Hulk (I really did it once.) "More than I realized"?!? But then I read on and discovered that he actually did place the blame on the media bias, which is good for him. He wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Neither would you. I'm not nearly as funny or sexy when I'm all big and green like that.

So why is [Rich] McKay considered a strong talent evaluator, while Allen is portrayed as a paper pusher?

One factor is the way they handle media chores. McKay is likable and mostly accessible. Allen is condescending and usually unavailable. Fair or not, it colors their coverage.

Think of it this way:

What if another GM had accomplished what Allen had this season? What if another GM signed Greg White out of the Arena Football League? What if another GM plugged Donald Penn in at left tackle or Jovan Haye at defensive tackle? What if another GM had the NFL's youngest offensive line protecting one of the league's oldest quarterbacks?

If we're being honest, that GM would be hailed as a miracle worker.

I've never really had a problem with Romano and I don't think he's been one of the major contributors to the hate mongering that has been Tampa coverage of the Buccaneers as of late. But there's no way Rick Stroud would have been able to put his name on this article after the Chris Simms thing earlier this year, so they gave it to a less controversial writer and hoped that the whole thing would just go away. And it pretty much has except for my petty bitching. But I'm done for now. What will be really interesting is seeing how everyone reacts if the Bucs start slow next season. Have Gruden and Allen earned a little benefit of the doubt with this season, or will the sharks start a frenzy as soon as they smell a little blood? And will I make a huge stink out of it if they do? Let me put it this way... I'm going to be wearing pre-ripped pants and shirts before I read the papers next year.

Posted by Scott at 10:19 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: bruce allen, tampa media

We Love The Tight Man! Wait... What?

This story was bound to get written this week. Isaac Hagins returned a couple kickoffs for touchdowns during the 1976 preseason but separated his shoulder before he could do it in the regular season. He's been following the Bucs ever since and was as happy as anyone that Micheal Spurlock finally got the first one in the regular season. He was thinking the same thing I was when it first happened.

"Where are the penalty flags?" he said.

There were none.

"Been watching the replays ever since," Hagins said. "I was part of the streak."

The Tribune spoke to Parnell Dickinson and Doug Williams. Dickinson especially wants to remind people that Hagins was returning kickoffs before the other whippersnappers were even born.

Hagins returned 40 kicks for the Bucs. His two longest went 41 yards. Parnell Dickinson was Hagins' teammate in 1976. He was at Sunday's game. After the game, Parnell reminded anyone he could.

"Ike was the first in the preseason," Dickinson said. "I want people to remember Tight Man."

"Tight Man." That's what teammates called Ike Hagins.

Hmm. "Tight Man"? If he had been a tight end, I could see it maybe. But Hagins was a wide receiver. You know the clip of the inaugural Bucs where the pass bounces off a guy's helmet? That's him. Williams explains the nickname a little.

"He had all those muscles," Doug Williams said. "Ike was small, but muscle-bound. He could hardly put his arms at his sides. It might have hurt his range of motion. But when Ike was going, he went fast."

So, he was small and compact but strong, so he was Tight Man. Ok, I'll buy it for the sake of history. But I think if you tried to stick that nickname on a short, muscular guy today like Maurice Jones-Drew or Willie Parker, you'd get punched square in the teeth.

Posted by Scott at 9:34 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: buccaneer history, doug williams, isaac hagins, micheal spurlock, parnell dickinson

December 17, 2007

History Has Been Preserved

It's worth mentioning that the Dolphins finally won a game this year. With the win, the Dolphins have given the 1976 Buccaneers the gift of sustained infamy and hope that the media will again seek them out when the next batch of NFL losers hasn't won though November. What should they toast with, Colt 45?

The funny thing is that this one game will probably let Cam Cameron stick around for one more season and at the same time will almost definitely lead to Brian Billick's termination. Thirty years ago, another Super Bowl winning coach was beaten by a team that had gone winless for the entire season. Hank Stram of the Saints was fired at the end of the season after giving the Bucs their first franchise victory. The same thing is going to happen this January.

Of course, Atlanta will be looking for a head coach in January as well. Common sense says they'll stay away from guys who have never held a head coaching job or from college coaches this time around. Look for Brian Billick to be seriously considered for the Atlanta job.

Posted by Scott at 1:15 PM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: brian billick, buccaneer history, cam cameron, falcons, hank stram, nfc south

NFC South Champs

Let's do the good news first. There's a lot of it.

Chris Redman had a passer rating of 0.0 against the Bucs defense yesterday. The poor guy completed only 4 of 15 passes. Just a couple weeks ago he was 16 for 24 and Falcons fans were speculating who he would compete with to be the starter. This should come to be known as the "Ryan Fitzpatrick Paradox". When an unknown quarterback does well coming off the bench, be careful of entrusting him with your enthusiasm too soon.

Bucs cornerbacks had one tackle on the day. Remember, this is good news. Passes weren't caught in front of the cornerbacks for them to get tackled. It also means that the defensive line was doing their job.

Barrett Ruud was back to the top of the tackle list again. Especially in the first half, he seemed like he was everywhere.

The Bucs had the ball for almost 43 minutes.

The running game was a big part of that. Earnest Graham continued his excellent play, Michael Pittman looked healthy again and Michael Bennett should have inspired some confidence from Jon Gruden. Granted, it was in the fourth quarter against a beaten up Falcons team, but 63 yards on 9 attempts is impressive.

I don't know what Michael Clayton has been eating lately, but the Bucs need to keep feeding it to him. Maybe it was the humility of being relegated to special teams or Maurice Stovall breathing down his neck. This is how I expected him to play in every game. Good hands and tough running after the catch.

And I suppose it's worth mentioning again: Micheal Spurlock's kickoff return for a touchdown. Bask in it. I will never, ever get tired of watching that.

Ok, now for the other stuff.

There's no way the Falcons should have been able to rush for 106 yards, including a 29 yarder. Kevin Carter lost contain on that particular play and next thing you know, Jerious Norwood is up the side. And why is his name pronounced with a short "e" and "serious" has a long "e"?

Don't get me wrong, the defensive line did a very good job yesterday. But one sack on Redman and over 100 yards rushing makes me think that a lot of it had to do with Redman just being really bad combined with outstanding linebacker play by the Bucs.

If the Bucs are going to go anywhere in the playoffs, these dropped passes have to stop. It's the reason Joey Galloway was considered expendable in Seattle. Galloway's performance for the past couple years has been exemplary and I'm not panicking or anything, but I think his mind is a little preoccupied with protecting himself for the hit rather than making the catch first. I suppose it's natural for an older guy to think that way, but if it keeps up, one of those drops is going to come at a critical time and will mean a lot more than his drops did yesterday.

The game was a blowout, but this was not an outstanding offensive performance. Take away the kickoff return and the interception return. The Bucs had three drives end in field goals, and two of those drives started at the Atlanta 26 and 23 yard lines. Are you kidding me? This is the same problem the Bucs have had all season long: the inability to punch the ball into the endzone. When the offense is given a short field, it's absolutely imperative that they take advantage of those opportunities, like the one they had that started on the Atlanta 6. If they had settled for a field goal that time, I probably would have had liver failure right there.

This means that the Bucs had two non-trivial scoring drives. One started at the Bucs 26 and ended 64 yards later with a Matt Bryant field goal (nice job in the wind, by the way.) The only really sustained touchdown drive came in the fourth quarter when the Falcons had already given up and were chugging cheap vodka on the sidelines in an attempt to go blind. And even that drive was only 55 yards. Michael Bennett came in fresh and pounded the ball to the right behind Jeremy Trueblood and Davin Joseph and it was an impressive display of blocking and speed. But at that point it kind of reminded me of an SEC game against a 1-AA team. I'm afraid that once the playoffs start and the Bucs can't sustain a real offensive drive against good competition, the Bucs will be checking out early.

All right, enough of that. It was a nice win that brings the team up to 5-0 against divisional opponents. No NFC South team has ever swept the division. It also brought an end to every curse the Bucs had against them. Cold weather victories, road playoff victories, and finally returning a kickoff for a touchdown. They've all finally happened. The Bucs will be in the playoffs and have at least one home playoff game. It's time to celebrate with some pictures.

Posted by Scott at 12:10 PM | Comments (4)
Tags for this article: barrett ruud, cheerleaders, chris redman, earnest graham, falcons, game summary, jerious norwood, joey galloway, michael bennett, michael clayton, michael pittman, micheal spurlock, nfc south, ryan fitzpatrick

December 16, 2007

HOLY SHIT!

Micheal Spurlock returns the first kickoff for a touchdown in team history. Congratulations. I guess it just goes to show you never know who is going to step up and make a difference.

Chris Berman is sad today because now he has to find some other crutch to lean on when he talk about the Bucs.

(for those who are asking, the number is 1,864 kickoffs without a touchdown.)

Posted by Scott at 1:33 PM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: buccaneer history, micheal spurlock

December 14, 2007

Everyone Wants A Piece Of The 1976 Buccaneers

The 1976 Buccaneers haven't gotten this much attention since John McKay said he'd cut every one one of them if they didn't get behind the sideline. Just imagine how it's going to be if the Dolphins go 0-15. The week leading up to that last game is going to be crazy. They might even plan some kind of get-together or something for those guys. This week, various papers have dug up even more of the old team including Mark Cotney, Lee Roy Selmon, Richard Wood and Steve Reese.

"They're going to win one, I really feel good about it," said Steve Reese, a linebacker for the Buccaneers' 1976 team, who now coaches high school football in Stone Mountain, Georgia. "I don't want to see them go through what we went through."

But the winner for best 1976 Bucs story today is, again, Pat Toomay.

One of his favourite moments was the team plane arriving home at 4 a.m. after a 49-16 loss at Oakland in Week 12.

Team officials promoted ticket sales for the inaugural season with the slogan: "Bucs Fever. Catch It."

"We start to file off the plane and there's three fans at the foot of the stairs, and they're totally wasted," he said, again erupting in laughter.

"As we come down the stairs, two of them unfurl this gigantic banner of the Bucs logo, and the most inebriated of the three steps in front of the other two and he starts the chant: 'What have we got?' And all three in unison say: 'Bucs fever!' I thought I was going to cry."

The "Bucs Fever" promotion was much better than the other disease-related slogans they pitched, including:

"Bucs Lepercy. Leaving it all out on the field!"

"Bucs Spastic Colon. Give a shit!"

"Bucs Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. We need your support!"

"Bucs Herpes. We're with you forever!"

(yes, I know none of these clips are of the 1976 Bucs, but as long as we're talking about the old days, you might as well remember some of the good times too.)

Posted by Scott at 11:31 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: buccaneer history, pat toomay, steve reese

Game 14 Preview: Falcons

Well, let's see. The Falcons just played on Monday night, got their asses kicked and 24 hours later their coach was doing pig calls in Arkansas. Now they are being led by their secondary coach who, by all accounts, is a good guy, but has never been the head coach of anything before this week. They are in the bottom half of every meaningful statistic on both offense and defense, are now fielding Chris Redman, who's name should be offensive to American Indians, as the starting quarterback. Buccaneer fans will remember Redman from the 2002 season when he was left for dead after a 25-0 shutout of the Ravens. Derrick Brooks has particularly fond memories of him after his 97 yard interception return to end the game. Since then, Redman has been a backup from time to time, but mostly has been selling insurance.

That's the glib version. I'm pretty sure the Bucs will win this one walking away, but I thought that of the Texans, too. In fact, the best thing the Bucs have going for them is that they lost last week, so they're less likely to take the Falcons lightly. Otherwise, it would be easy to overlook the football version of Candide. The Falcons have more to play for this week than at any other time this season. They want to show Bobby Petrino that not only can they win without him, but he was the one holding them back. The whole Falcons locker room is rallying behind Emmitt Thomas and they're inspired to give him their best game. And to be honest, Redman isn't playing all that badly. He's got a passer rating of 91.8 so far this year and has taken much better care of the ball than Joey Harrington or Byron Leftwich did. Redman isn't going to outjuke anyone, so the Bucs should just dial up the pressure and keep it on him all day. He'll give the ball up if you get to him enough. But even if the front four to get some pressure, they Bucs shouldn't play that soft zone that got them killed last week. Redman has the potential to throw for six yard gains all day long. The Bucs need to attack.

Jeff Garcia will be starting again and says he's back to 100%. That by itself should be enough to push the team to win. DeAngelo Hall is their biggest threat against the pass and he'll be on Joey Galloway all day. They'll still take their shots at him when they get some nice mismatches, so I'd look for him to have at least one play over 40 yards. The Falcons are 27th against the run, but I have a feeling they'll play it pretty well on Sunday, so maybe Earnest Graham doesn't have a great day. But he'll get the ball enough to keep the heat off the receivers. I'm also crossing my fingers for Michael Bennett to get a couple chances to run down the sidelines for some big gains. Please, guys, take this one seriously. Bucs by 14.

Posted by Scott at 10:08 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: bobby petrino, chris redman, deangelo hall, derrick brooks, emmitt thomas, falcons, game preview, jeff garcia, michael bennett, nfc south

December 13, 2007

Everybody Hates Bobby

When Nick Saban took off to Alabama after he said the words, "I'm not going to be the Alabama coach," people were pissed, but they kept their cool for the most part. Bobby Petrino has elicited a whole new level of contempt among NFL players and staff.

Warrick Dunn: "It got to the point where guys really didn't care if he left or not."

Lawyer Milloy: "This league is not for everybody. This league is for real men. I think he realized he didn't belong here."

Jamaal Anderson: "One word: Disloyal."

Grady Jackson: "It just shows his true color, like a coward with a yellow stripe down his back."

Arthur Blank: "The best way to describe the way we feel is betrayed."

Kolby Smith: "He snuck out in the middle of the night like the Baltimore Colts did."

Ronde Barber: "I don't see him walking away with any pride. They're down, and he kicked them."

Joey Galloway, when asked how he would respond if his head coach abruptly left for another job: "I would kill him."

Say, here's a fun fact. Petrino signed a ten year contract with Louisville three months before leaving for the Falcons, with whom he signs a five year contract, only to leave 11 months later for Arkansas where he signs another five year contract. Twenty years of commitments in 18 months!

Arkansas plays Alabama in week two next year. Place your bets now on which one of the head coaches quits at halftime and winds up with a Big 10 team the following week.

Posted by Scott at 10:57 AM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: arthur blank, bobby petrino, falcons, grady jackson, jamaal anderson, joey galloway, kolby smith, lawyer milloy, nfc south, nick saban, ronde barber, warrick dunn

Keyshawn Has An Opinion

So I guess Keyshawn Johnson had to go and flap his gums about how his boy Bill Parcells is not getting enough credit for the Cowboys' season this year. Terrell Owens made some comment somewhere how things are better now for him with Wade Phillips than they were under Parcells, and under Johnson's contract with Parcells, he has to remove his mouth from Bill's balls long enough to defend him on ESPN.

While discussing Owens and the Cowboys, Johnson keeps comparing it to his days with the Buccaneers and how, in his words, Tony Dungy built everything up and didn't get enough credit when Jon Gruden won the Super Bowl. It's the same argument trolls on Bucs message boards bring up whenever things start to get a little boring. "Gruden won with Dungy's players!" It's so fucking predictable and lame. The next asshole to make that ridiculous assertion needs to be raped with a monkey wrench to send a message to the others. Hey, wait... I guess Keyshawn is that asshole. I wonder if I can bring my toolbox on carry-on to Bristol.

To his credit, Owens does a fine job defending his point. He even did some research into Johnson's career.

"Here's a guy, writes the book, 'Give Me the Damn Ball,' and he has 106 catches and one touchdown, and that was off a tipped pass. I'll never do that in my career. He can hate all he wants to."

Zing! Now that's paying attention. Owens is a little off the mark with some of his insults, though.

He won a Super Bowl and all, but you'd have to check the roster to know he was even on the team.

Well, that game specifically Johnson did catch six passes for 69 yards and he did have over 1,000 yards receiving on the year. As annoying as Keyshawn can get, no one can deny his importance to the team during those years. Now here's the closer:

"My thing is, we came out the same year," Owens said. "He was a first-rounder. I was a third-rounder. I'm still playing. He's not. You compare our stats up until the time he retired, and it's a no-brainer. He can hate all he wants to. Compare the stats, they don't lie."

I don't know if it's because Owens plays so much faster than Keyshawn or if it's because he acts like such a child most of the time, but I never think of Owens as being that old. But it's true, they were both drafted in 1996. They have roughly the same number of yards through last year, but Owens has 50 (!) more touchdowns than Johnson. They both have great hands. Owens is a bigger scoring threat and Johnson is better across the middle. Owens is faster but Johnson will willingly run-block and is definitely a more rounded player. Johnson will be subversive and kill you from within your own locker room, Owens will take his complaints to the media and do crunches in his driveway for some reason. Having to pick one of them to be on your team is like choosing between drowning in a pool of chocolate pudding or death by snu-snu.

Wait, have I really spent this long talking about these prima donnas? Jeez, there's 15 minutes I'm never getting back.

Posted by Scott at 10:52 AM | Comments (3)
Tags for this article: buccaneer history, douchebags, jon gruden, keyshawn johnson, terrell owens, tony dungy, wade phillips

December 12, 2007

Bucs Re-Sign Crockett

I guess B.J. Askew was hurt enough to warrant re-signing Zack Crockett. No link yet... it's real news!

I thought the Bucs would just use Jerramy Stevens's one game roster exemption for Crockett, but they signed Kenneth Darby back to the active roster when Stevens's suspension was announced. I'm not sure who they'll cut for Crockett. Darby again? I'll update when I know more.

Posted by Scott at 12:26 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: b.j. askew, jerramy stevens, kenneth darby, rummaging through the scrapheap, zack crockett

Petrino Pusses Out On The Falcons

Wow, at least Saban finished out the season.

Bobby Petrino leaving Atlanta for college again should only come as a surprise if you haven't been paying attention to the Falcons all season long (and I can certainly understand if that's the case... I'm actually a little jealous of you.) Even though he had worked as an assistant in the pros before, he just wasn't equipped to command the respect of an NFL locker room for a full season. Both DeAngelo Hall and Joe Horn said that Petrino seemed to be relating to the players better in the last couple weeks, but neither of them had so much as a trace of shock or disappointment in their voices. Hall's tune changed a little after seeing Petrino at his Arkansas press conference.

"If I saw him in the street I wouldn't have anything to say to him. I don't have any respect for him. He turned his back on the organization."

Hall says Petrino used the Falcons job as a stepping stone to a better college head coaching job, but a 3-10 record and a locker room in chaos hardly seems like a resume builder. More likely, he really did want the Atlanta job but quickly became disillusioned with it after the whole Michael Vick thing and having to settle for Joey Harrington in training camp. Things didn't go well for him right away, so he picked up and went somewhere else -- like an enormous pussy.

Like I said, I'm not surprised by his move. But that doesn't lessen the pussocity of bailing on a team with three games left to play the day after the owner of the team proclaims on national television that he has his complete confidence and how great the future looks with him as the coach. Petrino didn't even have the balls to say that he just didn't like the pro game and was deliberately vague about his reasons for being so abrupt:

Petrino said "circumstances" presented themselves and that the decision needed to be made now.

"Circumstances" like a 3-10 season and December recruiting. Fuck that. He should have sent a message to these college kids he's getting ready to lead and showed them that a man takes care of his obligations. He should have been up front with Arthur Blank and at least told him that he would entertain college offers so, at the very least Blank didn't make an ass of himself when he was asked the inevitable question of Petrino leaving. The Falcons as a team can go suck a camel cock for all I care, but Arthur Blank is a good dude who deserves better than this.

The general feeling around Atlanta is, from what I can tell, pretty apathetic. No one was going to the games and people stopped caring after it became mathematically impossible for them to make the playoffs. A couple people I talked to were actually kind of optimistic about who would take Petrino's place, but not in a passionate way. Whoever Blank hires will be the Falcons' fifth coach since 2003 and folks around here are going to be guarded about who they give their dedication to. The only person I can think of who would capture Falcons fans' hearts immediately is Bill Cowher. Anyone else can expect an extended probation.

Posted by Scott at 9:52 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: arthur blank, bobby petrino, falcons, nfc south

December 11, 2007

The Hammer Finally Falls On Jerramy Stevens

Roger Goodell has suspended Jerramy Stevens for one game and fined him an additional game check for his DUI earlier in the year. Considering Stevens's rap sheet and reputation, I'm thinking he got off pretty light. The timing kind of sucks since Ike Hilliard is hurting and Stevens is a nice, tall target that can split the field. But everyone knew this was going to happen eventually; might as well be for the Falcons game when the Bucs can afford to put only ten on the field.

Posted by Scott at 10:09 PM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: dee wee, ike hilliard, jerramy stevens

When Cousins Breed

de · lu · sion [di-loo-zhuhn]
  - noun
4. Psychiatry. a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact.

That fits, right? "Delusional"? I like to imagine this guy has a whole arsenal of signs at home including "THAT WASN'T CLINTON'S SPERM", "BRITNEY'S JUST MISUNDERSTOOD", and "THE VALUE OF PI IS EXACTLY 3".

Posted by Scott at 1:03 PM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: falcons, michael vick, nfc south, people with too much time

Injury Reports Are Full Of Lies

This whole "Jon Gruden lied about Jeff Garcia" thing is starting to get legs, and it's about to piss me off. I'm all for cracking down on coaches who fudge the report. If you're going to have an injury report at all, you have to follow the rules. But Gruden can't be fined or reprimanded for ignoring the reporting policy because at this point, so many other violations have gone unchallenged. For example...

• Marvin Harrison has had a bruised knee since October.
• Tom Brady has been listed on the injury report since 2005 with a bad shoulder despite the fact that he started the season 108 consecutive starts.
• Meanwhile, Jarvis Green went unlisted despite an ankle injury.
• Ahman Green was listed as probable despite telling Gary Kubiak, "Coach, I can't go. My knee is bothering me, it's hurting me. I need this week."
• And does anyone really know the extent of Alex Smith's shoulder injury?

These are just the guys that come to mind and are relatively recent. I'm sure there are plenty more by lower-profile players that I don't know about. When it comes to competition, you can't change the rules midseason. Despite the fact that truthful injury reporting is a written rule, if the NFL is overlooking obvious violations, it becomes de facto policy that it is ok to disregard that rule. In 2008, the NFL should start fining teams and coaches who are caught lying on their injury report to any degree. It really is just another form of cheating. But the NFL has made it a free-for-all this year and that's the way it needs to stay for the duration.

Posted by Scott at 11:10 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: jeff garcia, jon gruden, my broken friend

I Scrubbed And I Scrubbed, But Damn It, They Don't Make Water Hot Enough

Tampa Bay could have clinched the NFC South with a New Orleans loss last night. It put me in the awkward and socially unenviable position of rooting for the Falcons. Every time Roddy White would get popped by a safety, I'd pump my fist in the air and growl out a "Yeah!" only to be followed by, "Oh, right." I took four showers last night after the game but I still don't feel completely clean.

Anyway, the Saints won 31-14 in a game that was only close when both teams were trading three-and-outs in the first quarter. It really was an ugly game. The good news is that the Bucs play the Falcons on Sunday and unless they just totally don't prepare or practice and phone it in all week, they should easily beat this team. Which is pretty much what I said about the Texans. Let's just seal up this playoff spot and move on with our lives this week, ok?

Posted by Scott at 9:37 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: falcons, nfc south, obscure references, saints

December 10, 2007

Carmella Garcia Is #1

And I'm not counting with my hands.

Carmella Garcia was ranked the Sexiest Athlete Wife of 2007 by Co-Ed Magazine, which did away with any "words" or "commentary" and just ripped off a bunch of skin shots from other magazines and consolidated them onto one page. Or, as I call it, the Lord's work.

The list is pretty good, but have you seen Eva Longoria lately? She's gotten kind of spooky recently. And Jeff Gordon's beard has no place on the list. She should be immediately removed and replaced with Jake Plummer's wife. That is, if they can get a shot of her where her halo doesn't cause too much lens flare. It's a problem.

Posted by Scott at 1:58 PM | Comments (3)
Tags for this article: carmella garcia

... Two Years In Prison And A Cellmate Who Loves Collies

(sung to the tune of the Twelve Days of Christmas)

Michael Vick was sentenced today to 23 months in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. The earliest Vick can get out with good behavior and time served is June 2009. And it's obvious that Arthur Blank stopped giving a shit about Vick months ago.

"We sincerely hope that Michael will use this time to continue to focus his efforts on making positive changes in his life, and we wish him well in that regard."

That's the same kind of statement I would expect him to say about a player on another team or a cousin he never met. Blank said it about the former face of his franchise. But that's not even the saddest part of the story.

Before the hearing started, Michael Vick's brother, Marcus Vick, sat with his right arm around their mother, comforting her as she buried her head in her hands and wept.

Marcus is now the good son. Wasn't it just last year that Michael was lecturing Marcus about waving his gun around and nailing 15-year olds? And you think your family has problems.

But the bad newz (sorry) doesn't stop there. Let we forget, Michael will face state charges for dogfighting in April. The article implies there is a good possibility that he will plea out of those charges, but you know he's going to get some kind of punishment for them, probably pushing his release date back even further.

It will be interesting to see what Vick does two years from now when he's finally out of jail and the spotlight is again on him, if only for a moment. Will he leave the prison system a better man and use the remnants of his fame to make the world a better place? Or will he knock over a liquor store with a ski mask while also wearing a #7 jersey? Here's a hint: It's probably Marcus that will pick him up from prison.

Posted by Scott at 1:15 PM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: arthur blank, falcons, michael vick, nfc south

Bucs Steer In Wrong Direction

(Get it? "Steer"? The Texans' mascot is a cow!)

I'm not going to be too hard on Luke McCown for this loss because it mostly wasn't his fault. There were times he held onto the ball too long and that overthrow of Joey Galloway could have made the difference in the game, but for the most part he played it safe and took few chances which is generally what you want your backup to do.

A lot of blame has to sit with the offensive line. Again, having to choose for some reason between run-blocking and pass-blocking, yesterday they chose to run-block. Arron Sears was beaten by Earl Cochran, Donald Penn was beaten by N.D. Kalu, Davin Joseph was beaten by Amobi Okoye and Jeremy Trueblood was beaten by Mario Williams. And John Wade should just be beaten. All of the exceptional centers are locked up in multi-year deals, so the team needs to either get Dan Buenning off his ass or draft a center in 2008.

Hey, Michael Clayton looked good. That's something, right?

Earnest Graham has been fantastic running the ball, but three drops to six catches is not a good ratio.

Will someone tell me why the Bucs traded away two draft picks for Michael Bennett if they aren't going to use him? Christ, the man doesn't have to memorize the whole playbook. Just a few specialty plays that get him into open space. One big play from him would have given the team a nice spark. Maybe a punt return? Something?

It seemed like the Bucs defense started to bring serious quarterback pressure in the last two games, so I'm not sure why they would go back to playing a basic Cover 2 for this game. Sage Rosenfels absolutely ate up the Bucs defense with the short passes because he had all day to throw. They played Houston the same way they played Indianapolis, and got exactly the same result.

The exception, of course, is Greg White who did everything he could possibly do. Three sacks, two other tackles, a pass defensed and two forced fumbles.

Gaines Adams is the only other player credited with a "quarterback hurry". This was a beaten up Houston offensive line, too. There's no reason why the Bucs defensive tackles couldn't get more pressure on the quarterback and make that soft Cover 2 work.

Barrett Ruud had a busy day. He got six tackles on the day, but got beat by Andre Johnson for one pass when Rosenfels got the mismatch we was looking for. He also missed a tackle on Darius Walker.

Actually, tackling seemed kind of weak overall yesterday. I can think of tackles that Derrick Brooks, Ronde Barber and Brian Kelly all missed.

Speaking of Barber, he was the leading tackler for the day with ten. Ouch.

Let's be fair to the defense. The Texans had scoring drives of 23 and 17 yards and a kickoff return. But instead of making the Texans kick field goals, they got touchdowns. And when the defense really needed a stop on third down, it seemed like the Texans were always converting and grinding down the clock. Ski called this one right on the money when he said, "This has the smell of a trap game for the Bucs as they are going on the road following a big division game." That's exactly what this was. It's hard to believe that the team took this game as seriously as they take NFC games and it played like to was preseason.

Posted by Scott at 10:58 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: barrett ruud, earnest graham, greg white, john wade, luke mccown, michael bennett, michael clayton, sage rosenfels, texans

December 7, 2007

Game 13 Preview: Texans

Five Things You Didn't Know About The Texans

1. The Texans have 16 players on injured reserve. Over half officially have their injury listed as "shame".
2. Texans owner Bob McNair sold his horse farm next to Saratoga in January to Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, the Prime Minister of the UAE, for $17.4 million. McNair doesn't even bother wearing shoes or a belt to the airport anymore.
3. Chester Pitts was recently arrested after being stopped for making an illegal turn and then fleeing. Fred Weary responds, "Damn, why didn't I think of that?"
4. Amobi Okoye was offered a scholarship to Harvard at the age of 15. He turned it down to go to Louisville because he wanted to play football. Matt Birk is not amused.
5. Adimchinobe Echemandu was also the name of a rejected character in Star Wars, a pimp on Tatooine who mostly dealt in four-breasted lizard-looking chicks who could crush jawas like walnuts with their thighs. His action figure would have come complete with his hat and walking stick and would have been awesome.

The Texans are cursed; can't we just leave it at that? I mean, Atlanta already beat them. That should say it all.

Houston is pretty much using anyone they can find for their offensive line. For a team that is already notorious for giving up tons of sacks every year, this can't fill Sage Rosenfels with confidence. Greg White, Jovan Haye and Gaines Adams should have decent days in terms of quarterback pressure and sacks. I'd look for Rosenfels to dump the ball off quick to whoever is around, most likely Ron Dayne. This will put some pressure on the linebackers to make the tackle before the receiver can make more than a couple yards. Barrett Ruud should be back up to the top in tackles for the day. I worry about Andre Johnson a little bit because he might get matched up against Phillip Buchanon and if Johnson beats him, my brain may melt. There may be a threat there because the Texans have the #6 passing offense, but let's just assume the defensive line gets the job done and Rosenfels doesn't get a chance to get many passes off.

The Texans have spent their last two first-round draft picks on defensive linemen. Mario Williams isn't the bust everyone thought he was last year and Okoye is getting a lot of pressure up the middle. Davin Joseph needs to step up and give a hurting Jeff Garcia enough time to scan the field. Garcia isn't going to be able to bob and weave like normal. DeMeco Ryans is a tackling machine, but the rest of the defense is relatively suspect. Earnest Graham will have a good day and take pressure off of Garcia. He probably won't put the ball up too much and they'll try to speed the game along. Should be relatively low-scoring. Bucs by 11.

Posted by Scott at 8:47 AM | Comments (5)
Tags for this article: adimchinobe echemandu, amobi okoye, barrett ruud, bob mcnair, chester pitts, davin joseph, fred weary, game preview, phillip buchanon, texans

December 6, 2007

Yes, The Onion Is Still Funny

I don't normally post stuff from The Onion here because the thought of you going somewhere else to be entertained scares the shit out of me. But their insights into global warming as it relates to steaming black guy heads was too awesome not to share.

"When I came into the league with Tampa Bay, steaming black-guy heads were everywhere in October," said longtime NFL veteran and current Carolina Panthers quarterback Vinny Testaverde. "The Bucs were in the NFC Central back then, and we played in Chicago and Green Bay a lot, and to me, they always meant Halloween was coming. But these days, the rookies think of them as the first sign of Christmas. You can't tell me that's not global warming."

I found this amazing because I was always taught that a steaming black guy head meant another six weeks of winter.

(I can't wait to see what kind of traffic I get after Google discovers "steaming black guy head" on my site.)

Posted by Scott at 10:44 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: steaming black guy head

Charles Lee Robs Now

Charles Lee was the guy who led the team in receptions after Keyshawn Johnson got deactivated in 2003. These days his life is even more exciting since it involves guns and drugs.

Police say Lee, and possibly another suspect, entered an apartment displaying weapons and demanded money and electronics. The victim was not hurt.

According to Orange County Clerk of Courts documents, Lee was sentenced to 36 months of probation back in June 2007 for carrying a concealed weapon and intent to sell, manufacture or deliver a controlled substance.

Here's an old interview from 2003 when he was playing for Tampa Bay. After you get beyond the two pages where they talk about beating the shit out of children, he describes himself as shy, talks about his career highs and lows and who he would marry out of everyone in the world (he chose Jennifer Lopez, which should have been seen as a cry for help right there.) He also says how he would claim "it wasn't me" if he was ever busted.

Posted by Scott at 9:56 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: buccaneer history, charles lee, hello officer

December 5, 2007

We Call It Riding The Gravy Train

Thank God it's a big bandwagon because everyone is jumping on this week. First, ESPN ranks the Buccaneers at #8 and gives them a huge vote of confidence:

There's absolutely no reason for the Bucs not to finish on an eight-game win streak. They're halfway there and have four subpar opponents left on the schedule. If the Pack doesn't take care of business, the Bucs could sneak into that second NFC spot.

Well, I don't know about that. The Packers would really have to let the bottom fall out for the Bucs to overtake them and their upcoming opponents are Oakland, St. Louis, Chicago and Detroit. I think they'll be just fine. But it's quite a change in attitude from just four weeks ago when the same guys had both Washington and New Orleans ranked higher than the Bucs and they saw little hope in the season. But it's ok. Like I said, there's plenty of room on the bandwagon. Forgiven.

ESPN.com even did a front page piece on Joey Galloway and Ike Hilliard and how their leadership has helped bring the team back from last season. But to be fair, the author, Jeffri Chadiha, has been giving the Bucs good press all season long including training camp, so he's already firmly entrenched. But when was the last time we saw a Bucs article on the ESPN.com front page?

And then there's our boys at The Times. I wonder how many times they've written and re-written their respective "Gruden Gets Fired" articles that are undoubtedly sitting on their hard drives, getting them just right with the perfect balance of bile and self-congratulation to let the world know that they hated him all along. Whenever Gruden made a questionable call in a game, they would go back and insert that little tidbit into their masterwork and just wait for the end of the season. Oh, how it must have hurt to pen an article titled "In Jon we trust" and declare unconditionally that Gruden should stick around.

Gruden has saved his job. He has done enough, and his team has won enough, to silence even the harshest of his critics. If this season has served as testimony that Gruden is still the coach for the Bucs, then Sunday's victory over the Saints seems like the closing argument.

Maybe Gary Shelton has resolved his bitterness issues over the firing of Tony Dungy and decided to embrace being a Bucs fan regardless of his personal feelings toward the coach. Or maybe the evidence is so overwhelmingly in Gruden's favor that anyone with a sense of logic can finally see that he is doing a good job. Most likely, Shelton has realized that his four-year smear campaign has been ineffective and, like a politician, has decided to flip-flop and pander to the public-at-large. Whatever. Forgiven. In the spirit of the holidays, everyone is forgiven.

Posted by Scott at 9:35 AM | Comments (4)
Tags for this article: forgiven, jon gruden, tampa media

December 4, 2007

The Sentence You Never Thought You'd Read

Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Luke McCown was the NFL's top passer last week with with 313 yards. I didn't even know it was possible to put those words together in that order.

Joey Galloway was also the top receiver in the league with 159 yards. Not bad for a Big 10 guy. Congratulations to both.

Posted by Scott at 2:42 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: joey galloway, luke mccown

Maybe Buchanon Does Care

Maybe I'm misinterpreting that smile Phillip Buchanon has when he gets toasted for a big gain. He sounded like it bothered him in an interview after the game.

"It was just technique. I had bad technique. It was a situation where I just beat myself," Buchanon said. "There was just some other things going on and I feel like I left plays out there on the field. At the same time, I expect so much from myself.

Then he sounded like he was going to go off on a rant, but he caught himself and just promised to improve.

"I'm better than that. I'm not going to try ... I am going to improve this week," Buchanon said.

Ok, man. Sorry about that whole "eat a dick" thing I said yesterday. I was still mad. I'll try not to take your smiles as an indication that you don't care about getting beaten. Or, you could just stop getting beaten. That would work, too.

Posted by Scott at 12:57 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: phillip buchanon

Speaking Of Injured Quarterbacks...

Matt Schaub will not play in the game this Sunday because of a dislocated left shoulder. I know the headline says that Gary Kubiak won't rule him out, but he's just playing word games.

"It sure looks like he's going to miss some time. Whether we're talking about the next four weeks or not, I don't think we're at that stage," Kubiak said. "I think it's very hopeful that he does come back and play some more this year."

That doesn't sound like a coach who is holding out hope for a Sunday start for Schaub. Starting in his place will be Sage Rosenfels, who really is a lovely boy with a nice job and a good family and say, don't you have a daughter? Rosenfels will try to show some chutzpah behind an offensive line that is full of injuries and is already fielding third-stringers and rookies and guys who are playing out of position. Oy vey!

(Today's Jewish humor is brought to you by Chanukah.)

Posted by Scott at 10:47 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: matt schaub, sage rosenfels, texans

Luke McCown Still A Backup

Jeff Garcia's back is making improvements, although Jon Gruden is a little sketchy on exactly how quickly the healing is coming along.

"We feel like he's making improvement, and that's a good thing," Gruden said of Garcia. "I want him to tell me he's ready to go and see him move around pain-free. He's getting better, and for the time being, we'll continue to work with Bruce (Gradkowski) and Luke [McCown]."

That's pretty much the story. But is The Times trying to create a quarterback controversy when absolutely none exists? Read the opening couple sentences of the article.

Thank you very much, Luke McCown.

Now get ready to return to your spot on the sideline Sunday.

That basically was the message Bucs coach Jon Gruden sent his backup quarterback Monday, one day after McCown threw for 313 yards and two touchdowns in a 27-23 win over the New Orleans Saints.

Doesn't it sound kind of inflammatory? Like Gruden is offhandedly dismissing McCown back to the bench after he had such a stellar performance? I can't imagine an alternate reality where Luke McCown starts in favor of a healthy Jeff Garcia. And trust me, I can imagine some pretty fucked up alternate realities. McCown explicitly supports Garcia as the starter and says he knows his role on the team. I'm probably just looking for things to bitch about, but they always seem to want to make Gruden out to be some kind of asshole.

Posted by Scott at 9:51 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: jeff garcia, jon gruden, luke mccown, tampa media

December 3, 2007

Don't Apologize For Your Fucking Language, Jon

During the part of the game yesterday when each team was taking time outs like Buckhead wives take Vicodin, the Fox crew focused on Jon Gruden blowing up at the officials and broadcast an f-bomb or two. Now, he's apparently sorry.

"I've got to show much more poise in that situation."

Even the most casual Bucs fan knows that Gruden loves him some swearing. Like Ralphie's father, Gruden works in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It is his true medium. Highlight shows sound like Morse code when they show clips of Gruden coaching his players. Even the deaf know how much Gruden swears because it's so easy to read his lips on the sidelines. He swears so much that he can't help himself even in press conferences.

"This (expletive) MRI machine, excuse my language, it's not for me, you know what I mean?

That's how it should be done -- a simple "excuse my language" and move on. Gruden has never apologized for his coaching methods or style, and for the most part it has worked out pretty well for him. Players admire his energy and enthusiasm and say he has a lot of "juice". If anything, he needs to show less poise in those situations. I always thought after a timeout that the play clock started after the ball was set, but Luke McCown had to burn a timeout because the officials were slow in setting the ball and he couldn't get the play called. Gruden lost his shit, and rightfully so. Coaches aren't allowed to criticise officials in any way; they get heavily fined for even saying they disagree with a call, regardless of how respectfully it's done. Gametime is different and shouting at officials is tolerated on the field, so why not take advantage of it? Especially when there's a small chance that something could be done about it. It's not his fault that Fox didn't catch it in time.

Posted by Scott at 2:35 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: jon gruden, luke mccown

Luke Really Is Full Of Surprises

Luke McCown's improvement since the Seattle game is unbelievable. He mostly made excellent decisions and showed real athleticism. His main problem is his insistence on holding onto the ball while leaving the pocket instead of just throwing it away. He's obviously trying to extend the play and waiting for someone to come open, but when you run out of bounds behind the line of scrimmage or in the endzone, you have a control issue. Let it go.

I will be interested to hear the explanation for the interception. Joey Galloway never turned around even after McCown called for the hot route. I'm thinking the error was Galloway's.

Will Bruce Gradkowski even be brought to training camp next year? When Jeff Garcia went down and Gradkowski was put in, the playcalling got very conservative and predictable. With McCown in, it almost looked more aggressive than when Garcia was in there. A halfback lateral to the quarterback on a direct snap? and a flea flicker, not to mention the deep balls. McCown must have had the most incredible week of practice ever.

I can't recall the last time I saw an end-around really work for the Bucs. Somehow, Michael Clayton got 20 yards out of his. And did you see him push Josh Bullocks for the last five or six yards? There's just so much potential there.

I love the balls Jon Gruden displayed by going for it on fourth and one at the two minute mark. And he looks like a gutsy genius in retrospect. But if Earnest Graham had been stuffed behind the line on that one, he would have been crucified on sports radio this morning for not putting the game into overtime. A lot of those guys on the radio (Steve Duemig and Ian Beckles mostly) accuse Gruden of being too concerned about his image and reputation. I think the fourth and one call does a lot to disprove that.

Eat a dick, Phillip Buchanon. How do you get burned by Marques Colston and Terrance Copper back to back and then again against Lance Moore? And why do you not seem to care when it happens? I've been on your side this whole time. Don't make me look like a schmuck.

I saw exactly what the announcer was talking about when he called out Tanard Jackson for not going up for the ball on Devery Henderson's touchdown. He was looking at it and then he just turned away. He could have disrupted that ball. I'd like to hear what he has to say about that one.

Gaines Adams turns up the pressure just a little bit more every week. If he keeps it up like this, he'll be at full speed for the playoffs.

Posted by Scott at 11:26 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: game summary, joey galloway, luke mccown, nfc south, phillip buchanon, saints, tanard jackson