« December 2007 | February 2008 »

January 31, 2008

Positions Thought I'd Never Do Proper: Running Back

Earnest Graham: Graham is under contract for 2008 but is already in talks for an extension and a raise via his remora, Drew Rosenhaus. The Bucs seem open to it, so it should be a pretty solid bet that Graham will go to camp as the starting running back.

Carnell Williams: Williams suffered one of the worst kinds of injuries that a running back can have, and his recovery is said to be very slow. the team will makes moves around him knowing that he won't be available and he'll most likely spend the entire year on injured reserve.

Michael Bennett: Bennett will be a free agent in March and I haven't heard anything about him being offered an extension. He made some good things happen when he had the ball and I like his speed, but Jon Gruden doesn't trust him in pass protection which is an essential duty of a running back. Bennett was a second or third choice at the trade deadline anyway, so I'm thinking the Bucs are content to let him go and try to upgrade the position in free agency.

Michael Pittman: Pittman's contract voids this year and he becomes a free agent in March. Pittman said that he would like to stay with the Buccaneers but he also wants a bigger role and is willing to listen to other teams that would offer him that. Despite the fact that he has been the ultimate team player since he came to the Bucs, I don't see Gruden giving him more carries. He's a great change of pace, but he sounds kind of disenchanted with the way things are going in Tampa. Sadly, I don't expect him to stay.

Kenneth Darby: Despite being constantly short of running backs, Darby only for two carries all year. You'd think that if the Bucs were interested in getting a good look at him that they would have put him in a couple of those games at the end where they were resting everyone. Instead, Bennett and Pittman were the beneficiaries of resting Graham. Despite this, he has a good chance to stick around because the team needs three backs, he's cheap, knows the system, and probably did well enough in camp last year to warrant another look. If the Bucs select a running back before the sixth round, forget that last sentence.

B.J. Askew: Askew is under contract for 2008 and Gruden is eager to use him in new ways. Askew was difficult to bring down after catching a pass and is really a better pure fullback than Mike Alstott ever was. The Bucs will defer making any big money decisions on Askew until 2009.

Byron Storer: Storer will be an exclusive rights free agents, which means precisely dick. As long as the Bucs tender him an offer, he can't negotiate with anyone else. He played well enough to make the team again.

Last year I thought Cadillac, Pittman, Graham and Jerald Sowell would stick around. I also encouraged Alstott to retire, which he essentially did.

There are going to be some major changes to the offensive backfield this season. Only Graham and Askew are locks to make the team. Everyone else is in flux. Who the Bucs select as the new running backs coach could make a big difference in who they select in the draft or free agency. I would expect the Bucs to spend a fifth rounder or higher on a running back. I expect Justin Forsett (California) to be available on the second day unless his stock shoots through the roof after the combine. He has deceptive speed and excellent vision. His major drawback is that he isn't known for his pass-blocking, but that can be coached. Tashard Choice (Georgia Tech) is also a good option in the middle rounds. It's not an Atlanta thing; he really is a powerful runner and is supposed to have a remarkable work ethic. His major drawback is all the puns on his last name that the papers will run into the ground.

There will be several free agent running backs available in March and the one who has been getting the most buzz is Michael Turner of San Diego. Forget him. He's good, but he's going to be overpaid by someone and it shouldn't be the Bucs. Dallas will retain Marion Barber and let Julius Jones walk. Jones would be a fantastic addition and could be teamed up with Graham for that whole "rocket" backfield thing I keep hearing so much about. My only real concern with getting Jones is that he may not want to come to a team where he will have to continue to split carries with another back. People have been bringing Mewelde Moore's name up ever since the Bucs traded for Bennett, and he may be the choice if the Bucs can't land Jones. Ok, so, Jones (or Moore), Graham, Darby or a rookie, Askew and Storer. Pretty good, right?

Posted by Scott at 1:21 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: b.j. askew, byron storer, cadillac williams, earnest graham, julius jones, justin forsett, mewelde moore, michael bennett, michael pittman, michael turner, tashard choice

Warrick Dunn Talks About Coming Back To Tampa

Warrick Dunn knows his time is probably up in Atlanta. Mike Mularkey likes power and a 33-year old Warrick Dunn is not the first image that comes to mind when you think of "power". The AJC asked him about possible destinations.

If Dunn is released, he said landing with former coach Tony Dungy in Indianapolis or going back to Tampa Bay, which drafted him out of Florida State in 1997, would not be a bad way to finish out his career.

"If I wasn't a Falcon, and I went back to Tampa or played for coach Dungy, it would be something that's full circle," said Dunn, who played for the Buccaneers from 1997 to 2001 under Dungy.

If the Bucs were to lose both Michael Pittman and Michael Bennett in free agency and not have Cadillac Williams ready for the season, Earnest Graham is going to be a lonely guy. Dunn couldn't come in and expect to be the feature back; those days have passed for him. But to be a role player, catch passes out of the backfield and be a mentor to a younger back... that wouldn't be bad, right? The Bucs could also benefit from the enormous character boost Dunn brings with him. Did you know every time Warrick Dunn smiles, a puppy is born? It's true! For the right price and under right circumstances, I wouldn't mind seeing him come back to pass along some of his knowledge and intangibles.

Posted by Scott at 11:03 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: earnest graham, michael bennett, michael pittman, rummaging through the scrapheap, rumors and lies, warrick dunn

Larry And Chad: The Saga Continues

Last week (or maybe the week before... I don't re-read old posts. Hell, I don't even spell check the current ones,) I posted something about Chad Johnson probably staying in Cincinnati and Larry Fitzgerald being more likely target for a big Buccaneer wide receiver deal. Now it's looking a little different. Fitzgerald is stating openly that he wants to stay with the Cardinals, which is the first step to him actually doing it. Of course, his current contract is prohibitavely expensive, so he would have to work something out to lower that cap value. How expensive? According to PFT (who, for some reason, removed their permalinks again):

Due to escalators in his contract, he's scheduled to earn salaries of $14.59 million in 2008 and $17.355 million in 2009. That's nearly $32 million over two years, and then he'll hit the open market at only 26 years of age.

PFT also got it right when they said, "anything less than $30 million in guaranteed money as part of a new long-term contract makes no sense." That's a lot of money to spend on one player. One excellent player in a position of need for the Bucs, definitely. But wow... one injury is all it would take to make Bruce Allen look foolish for spending so much on one dude.

On the other hand, even though Marvin Lewis stated that Chad Johnson would be a Bengal for a long time, Johnson has been all over the airwaves making his case for other teams. Here he is telling Bill Parcells to call him. Here he is telling John Fox to call him ("DeShaun Foster would never see eight in the box," he says.) And here he is avoiding the question about where he will be next season. He may become too big a pain in the ass to keep in Cincinnati, and I'm pretty sure Chad doesn't care where he goes as long as it's not a bottom tier team and they're willing to pay him. The question there is, how much would Johnson cost?

Johnson signed an extension in 2006 which included a $5 million signing bonus, a $3.5 million second-year option bonus and reasonable salaries. In 2008, he is scheduled to earn $3.25 million in salary. In fact, the maximum possible value of his contract was $35.5 million, which includes a $6 million salary in 2011 on a team option (which they almost certainly wouldn't have exercised.) The point is that Johnson seems like a relative bargain compared to Fitzgerald. The downside is that Johnson has six years on Fitzgerald (Johnson will be 31 and Fitzgerald will be 25 when the season starts,) but it's not like Johnson is old or anything. Johnson has also shown that he can be a distraction for a team when he is unhappy, and that may be the biggest drawback. But you know he loves the game and when paired up with a quarterback who can accurately get the ball deep (sorry, Grads,) could make for a serious threat. And every time he opens his mouth in public about wanting to leave the Bengals, his trade value goes down a little because other teams know he's going to be bad for the locker room until he gets his way. I would give up the Bucs' second round pick without even thinking about it. First round? That might give me some pause.

If the Bucs are going to make a lot of noise in free agency this year as Allen said they would, they need to do it at wide receiver. It's one of the few positions where it isn't necessarily best to have a home-grown player on the field. Free agents work just fine. Find a way to make this happen.

Posted by Scott at 10:10 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: chad johnson, larry fitzgerald, rumors and lies

January 30, 2008

Mike Alstott Says No To Coaching

Yesterday on 620 WDAE, Steve Duemig announced that Mike Alstott had been offered a coaching position with the Buccaneers, but declined it. This story hasn't been verified anywhere else, so who knows how true it is. On one hand, Duemig and Alstott are friends, so Duemig would likely be privy to some exclusive Alstott information. On the other hand, Steve Duemig is an egotistical twat with an ax to grind. Although, to be fair, he did say that after speaking with Alstott specifically about Jon Gruden, his opinion of Gruden improved. Maybe that means he'll only spend one hour a day trying to get him fired now? In any case, it looks less likely that Alstott will be the new running backs coach, which I still think is a good thing. I read that Earnest Byner is going to interview for that position. Byner has been the running backs coach for the Redskins since 2004 and has Clinton Portis to show for it. Not too shabby. Let's just hope Byner doesn't fumble his notebook on the way to the conference room.

Oh, and as long as we're on the subject of position coaches, Greg Olson is the new quarterbacks coach, replacing Paul Hackett who was pretty much a sock puppet. Olson is the former offensive coordinator of the Rams where in 2007, he helped Marc Bulger achieve his first season with a sub-60% completion percentage, his first season with more interceptions than touchdowns, and his lowest career passer rating. Wait, those aren't good things. Why are they hiring this guy?

Olson decided to accept Tampa Bay's quarterbacks coaching position, which reunites him with Pro Bowl QB Jeff Garcia, whom he worked with in San Francisco and Detroit in 2001 and 2005, respectively.

Ahh, there you go. Olson gets a pass for Detroit because, well, they're Detroit. No one can succeed there; it's a scientifically proven fact. I'm pretty sure I read that in a freshman physics book. But Garcia had a pretty good season in 2001 and probably has a level of comfort with Olson. As if it weren't established already, this further cements Garcia as the starter for 2008.

Posted by Scott at 10:07 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: earnest byner, greg olson, jeff garcia, mike alstott, steve duemig

January 29, 2008

Positions Thought I'd Never Do Proper: Quarterback

It's that time of year again when we take a look at every player and every position on the team, evaluate them for depth and need, and tell Bruce Allen how to do his job. For the sake of credibility, I will also review last year's edition and see how good the predictions came out. In the cases where I appear to be wrong, a wizard did it.

Jeff Garcia: Of course Garcia will be back and will be the unquestioned starter. There is talk about a certain someone coming out of retirement and battling Garcia for the starting job, but no one should take it seriously.

Luke McCown: McCown showed a lot of potential on the field when he was called on, but also displayed his inexperience in practice. For example, when he ran OUT OF THE ENDZONE for a safety... that was dumb. Nevertheless, everyone seems to like him and there is some potential there of him being the quarterback of the future (QOTF) that I keep hearing so much about. McCown makes the roster, but whether he's #2 or #3 depends on the guys below.

Chris Simms: Sigh. I've been rooting for Chris ever since Rich McKay forced him on Jon Gruden in 2003. Simms is due a $1 million roster bonus on March 1. He is also set to earn $2 million in salary, which is pretty high for a backup. If the Bucs pay it, you have to think he's going to get every opportunity to win the #2 spot. In that case, McCown drops to #3. If the Bucs don't pay it, he hits free agency, but where is he going to get any better opportunity than the one he has in Tampa Bay? The only place he would have any opportunity to start is in Atlanta, and why would anyone willingly go there? It's possible that the Bucs let Simms slip into free agency and sign him for a smaller contract that is more appropriate for a guy coming off a two-year injury hiatus. One way or another, I think he stays.

Bruce Gradkowski: And then there's Bruce. Gradkowski had his shot in the Redskins game and was amazingly uninspired. He looked exactly the same as he did in 2006 when he was finally benched in favor of Tim Rattay. There's going to be some competition at the bottom of the quarterback depth chart and I think the only way Gradkowski makes the cut is if the Bucs decide not to pay Chris Simms his roster bonus.

Jake Plummer: Someone reported a couple weeks ago that they thought there was a 50% chance that Jake Plummer comes out of retirement to play for the Bucs. And, really, why wouldn't he? It's got to get old waking up every morning, going balls-deep into his cheerleader bride for a while and then drinking juice surrounded by the scenery of his mountain top home while reviewing his bank statements and seeing which of his investments pushed him into that bonus interest rate that only eight digits gets you. I mean, where's the challenge? Some things are worth repaying $7 million. I'm thinking his life qualifies.

Last year, I leaned toward Chris Simms competing to start with a free agent veteran, McCown being the backup and Gradkowski as the third string. Not too bad except for that whole Simms thing. I also said the Bucs wouldn't pick a quarterback in the draft, which was a pretty safe bet.

As far as the draft goes, I'm starting to think that as long as Jon Gruden is the head coach, the Bucs don't need to draft a franchise quarterback. This runs counter to everything I've believed in the past, but the evidence is pretty overwhelming. Gruden can take veterans like Brad Johnson, Brian Griese and Jeff Garcia and improve their game. He doesn't seem to be able to take rookies and mold them into proficient starters. That's not necessarily a bad thing; there will always be a servicable free agent quarterback who has been overlooked, someone like Rich Gannon who is heralded as the prototypical Gruden quarterback. Because of this, I don't see him picking a quarterback in the draft. It's unnecessary. The only way the position is even touched is in the unlikely event that they somehow allow both Simms and Gradkowski to leave. If that's the case, some retread will be signed to be the #3. Maybe someone like Josh McCown or Ken Dorsey. With Garcia's contract expiring at the end of 2008, I expect the quarterback position to be seriously addressed in the 2009 offseason.

Posted by Scott at 1:00 PM | Comments (4)
Tags for this article: bruce gradkowski, chris simms, jake plummer, jeff garcia, luke mccown

Jerramy Stevens Is Not Well Liked In Seattle

A reader pointed me to a huge article in the Seattle Times about Jerramy Stevens and his legal problems. Did I mention this article is huge? It starts when Stevens was in high school and covers, in sometimes graphic detail, the rape charges, the hit and run, the DUIs, and what happened behind the scenes to get Stevens the lightest punishments possible or, in some cases, no punishment at all. It paints Stevens as a real piece of shit and the King County prosecutors as tools of the University of Washington and the Seattle Seahawks.

What puzzles me about the article is the timing. It seems rather convenient for the local Seattle newspaper to really dig deep into this story and expose all the dirt after Stevens has left the Seahawks and can no longer benefit the area. And if you read the comments, you'll notice a number of people accuse the paper of being biased against the University of Washington and using this story to undermine support to provide public funding for a new Huskies stadium. They could have run an in-depth story about football players getting favors from the government at any point while Stevens was there. I don't know anything about Seattle except that it rains a lot and that's where Frasier is from. But I have seen biased reporting before and know how it can be used to sway public opinion. And this feels like a story with an agenda.

The story sets up the prosecutor's office as a group of boosters who will go to great illegal lengths to protect Husky players, especially during a Rose Bowl run, but doesn't support that accusation with non-football evidence. The story focuses mainly on the rape charges and how they were eventually dropped due to a suspicious decision by the prosecutor's office. But how many other rape charges throughout the years were dropped due to lack of evidence, rightly or wrongly? What did the prosecutor's "decline" letter say in those cases? How many of the rape cases that are dropped come from college students? Are these simply cases of college girls regretting their decisions, or are there actual assaults taking place? Something may be wrong in the Seattle legal system, but before you make the assumption that it is confined to athletes, maybe you should cast a wider net. It would be a much bigger and more important story if rape cases are going unchecked because the District Attorney is a chauvinist and not just a Husky fan. If their goal was to convince me that Stevens was a rapist, they came up short because now I'm pretty sure I'm not hearing the whole story despite the size of the article.

This isn't to say that Stevens isn't still a piece of shit or that football players don't get preferential treatment. Of course he is and of course they do. And it's wrong. But people, in general, are greedy and if there is money to be made, they are willing to overlook a lot in order to make it. Regarding Stevens specifically, Bruce Allen must have known about everything before he signed Stevens to his contract last year and I'm a big believer in second chances and redemption. Allen promised to give Stevens a second sixth chance and, to his credit, he didn't get into any additional trouble for a whole year. Going on that alone, Allen has no reason to not re-sign him for 2008. As far as my opinion of him goes, some of what I read that he admitted to (or that the evidence is too overwhelming to deny) makes me wonder if he can ever be redeemed. Stomping on an unconscious kid's face? Repeated DUIs despite being in treatment? Football players don't have to pass the "Would I let my daughter date them?" test in order for me to approve of their addition to my favorite team's roster. I just have to believe that they are not fucking scumbags or, if they have been fucking scumbags in the past, that they have learned their lesson and will not be fucking scumbags anymore. I hope Stevens falls into that latter category because, again, I would like to believe in his redemption as a decent person. Time will tell. If he's beyond hope, he won't be able to keep himself out of the headlines for long. And if he screws himself out of a job with the Buccaneers because he fucked up again, there's no way any other team gives him a shot.

Posted by Scott at 11:23 AM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: hello officer, jerramy stevens

January 28, 2008

Brian Kelly Thinks He Can Do Better

According to The Times, Brian Kelly is planning to buy out of the last year of his contract and become a free agent.

Kelly, 32, is scheduled to earn $3.2-million in 2008. But he said he plans to "buy back" the final year of his contract by exercising a $480,000 option in the second week of March.

The free agency period starts on March 3, (not February 29 as the article states.) Does "second week of March" mean March 3 or March 10? That's a pretty big difference. The free agency feeding frenzy begins the moment the clock strikes midnight on the first day (and many would argue it starts well before that) and the teams who are in desperate need of a cornerback are probably already going to have their man by the 10th. So he's left with being a 32 year old corner who is frequently injured and has recently been replaced as the starter by Phillip Buchanon. Does he really think he can make more than $3.2 million under those circumstances? Or is it more than money and he just wants out of Tampa Bay? That probably would have been a good follow-up question.

I like Kelly, but he has had a salary issue with the Bucs for quite a while and probably wasn't too happy when Ronde Barber was given an extension and a raise and he wasn't. When someone gets an attitude like that, it's probably best to just let them go. Bruce Allen figured that out with Simeon Rice last year and it seemed to work out. This will seriously hurt the depth of the cornerbacks, though. I was debating on what the biggest need for the Bucs was this season and cornerback was up there. Now it may be #1. The team needs to seriously consider taking a corner in the first couple rounds of the draft if Kelly really does leave.

Posted by Scott at 11:15 AM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: brian kelly

Hampty Hampts Likes To Drink

Chas Gessner was arrested Saturday night (S-A T-U-R D-A-Y!) for DUI with a blood alcohol content between .222 and .227. You may be wondering why I am bringing this up since Chas is no longer on the team. The official roster even says so. But apparently no one told him he was cut because he stated for the record that he was employed by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as a player. Gessner spent about seven and a half hours in jail, during which time he complained about the slow service and threatened to have the warden's job if he didn't get some goddamn 300 thread count sheets for his cot.

God, I hope it was like Louis Winthorpe in Trading Places. "Those men wanted to have SEX with me!"

Posted by Scott at 10:30 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: chas gessner, hello officer

Bucs Stay In The Right Lane For 2008

A list of things the Buccaneers will not have to hear about during the 2008 season: Albert Hall, meat and two veg, Big Ben, Dave Clark Five, Spam and eggs. Tampa Bay will not be playing in England next season, leaving that honour (check out the "u", baby!) to the New Orleans Saints and the San Diego Chargers. This is great news for the Buccaneers who will not have to field endless questions about why they are allowed to use their hands in football.

God save the Chargers; the shortest flight from San Diego to London is 13.5 hours, and that's without the time change. There's a danger that the jet lag may be too much for Philip Rivers to overcome and that if he doesn't get a chance to sleep it off, he could become this huge douche who insults fans and taunts opposing quarterbacks like a child. We wouldn't want that to happen. The British may get the impression that the NFL is full of assholes.

Posted by Scott at 9:42 AM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: chargers, nfc south, philip rivers, saints

January 26, 2008

Bucs Hire The Kicking Lineman

Ok, who remembers George Yarno? In 1983, John McKay deactivated kicker Bill Capece before the last game of the season against the Lions and new kicker Dave Warnke had missed both an extra point and a field goal in that game. McKay threw up his hands in disgust and went down the sidelines asking each player if they thought they could kick an extra point. Yarno stepped up and kicked a lefty through the uprights to... well, still lose. But only by three! Anyway, Yarno played for a couple other teams in the late 80s and then retired as a player. He was hired as an offensive line coach by Washington State in 2003, and now he's taking Aaron Kromer's place as the senior offensive line assistant coach for the Buccaneers.

Posted by Scott at 1:26 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: george yarno

January 25, 2008

Alstott Is First Class, Not Coach

Speculation is starting to pick up that Mike Alstott may be added to the coaching staff. Jon Gruden said to Alstott at the end of his part of the retirement conference, "we're going to try to hire you to do something." To me, that doesn't sound all that convincing. I know Alstott wants to be part of the team in some capacity, and the running backs coach job is still open, but shouldn't you have to be an assistant at some level before you can be a position coach? When Gruden said that, I was thinking he would make Alstott some kind of public relations ambassador. Or, if Alstott is insistent that the job have something to do with football, maybe a scout.

Not every great player makes a great coach. I know we had this discussion before (and by "discussion", I mean I typed it here and you glossed over it while scanning the site for cheerleaders) when Shelton Quarles stopped playing and was hired on as a scout and I thought he would make a good coach. But Quarles just seems more coachy. Alstott runs his football camp every year and I'm sure he's good at introducing the sport to children. But can he convey the intricacies of playing the running back position to both rookies and old veterans in a way they can easily understand? Can he command the same respect as a teacher that he had as a player? I'm skeptical. Until a running backs coach is hired, his name will be attached to the position, but I don't think it's going to happen. I'd love to see his stay with the team, but in a different capacity.

Posted by Scott at 11:14 AM | Comments (3)
Tags for this article: mike alstott, shelton quarles

Jeff Garcia Backs Into Pro Bowl

It's almost a little insulting, isn't it? It's not that Brett Favre was injured and couldn't play. He just didn't want to. So now Jeff Garcia will be the third NFC quarterback on the Pro Bowl roster. I guess I'm still slightly upset that no Buccaneer was selected outright. Or I have nothing better to bitch about today. Anyway, congratulations to Jeff.

Oh, sorry about that. This entry was about Jeff Garcia and I actually posted a picture of Jeff himself. What was I thinking? Protocol states that entries about Jeff are accompanied by pictures of his wife. As long as he's married to Carmella DeCesare. If for some reason they split up, this rule will be evaluated on a wife by wife basis.

Posted by Scott at 8:54 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: carmella garcia, jeff garcia

January 24, 2008

Alstott Retires

Mike Alstott announced his retirement this morning, bringing an end to a career that will be celebrated by Buccaneer fans forever. It's nice that Alstott will never wear the colors of another team. It feels right.

There's a ton of Alstott material to read at the usual stops. TBO.com has a central location for all things Alstott, which is nice. And here's a photo gallery from The Times. The Buccaneers put together a short tribute video that has some of his better runs. It's better than the YouTube one that's been around for a few months, but still it's not complete. I've been clamoring for a compilation of all of Alstott's great runs and now seems like the time to do it. The Buccaneers could put together a high-quality hour-long DVD of all those runs as well as some camp and "behind the scenes" stuff and make a fortune on it right now. I'd buy it. HINT!

I know I've been a little hard on Alstott lately because I thought he should have retired a while ago, but he was able to get a redshirt year of pay out of it, which he totally deserved so good for him. Without question, he was one of the most exciting players to watch and embodied everything that is good about football. Congratulations, Mike.

(read all the nice things current and former teammates had to say about him, also.)

Posted by Scott at 1:33 PM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: mike alstott

Sabby Is On The Hot List

Ski made fun of me early in the season for having a "mancrush" on Sabby Piscitelli just because I thought he was pure awesomeness during training camp. Oh, he thought that was a hoot. Well, looks like I wasn't the only one. Evidently, a magazine full of homosexuals agrees with me. Sabby made the 2007 Outsports NFL All-Hot Team. Who's laughing now, Ski?

This rookie won me over with this shot from the Bucs' training camp. A physical fitness freak, Piscitelli was hard to miss while at Oregon State. One person who was at OSU at the same time told me: "He walked around the weight room with no shirt on and looked at himself constantly in the mirrors. And he loved to wear skin tight Under Armour. He has massive biceps and shoulders."

Oh.

Uhh... hmmm.

Yeah, see, I thought this was a list of guys who had good years. Like, you know, "they're hot!" I suppose that Mike Alstott's inclusion and the fact that both of those players spent most of the year on injured reserve should have tipped me off a little, but come on. These are NFL players! What else could they mean? For God's sake, Todd Steussie is on the fucking thing!

No self-respecting gay man can possibly look at that photo and picture Steussie pumping anything but gas. If homosexuals want to be taken seriously in this world, they have to start with the simple things - like not putting Jimmy Durante's overjuiced nephew on their hot lists. So, you can see how I was confused, right? RIGHT?

Ok, I'm a little uncomfortable now. And what do I do whenever I don't know what to type next?

There, that's better.

Seriously, the list is pretty funny. It's like every NFL gay joke of the last two years all conveniently assembled in one place for us. Michael Strahan, Terrell Owens, Brady Quinn... they're all there. I promise you won't turn gay if you click the link. Or if you do, at least you're in the right place.

Posted by Scott at 11:48 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: kinda gay, mike alstott, sabby piscitelli, todd steussie

Falcons Finally Settle On Whoever The Hell This Guy Is

The Falcons finally were able to find a head coaching candidate who satisfied their #1 requirement: he was willing to take the position. Yesterday the team announced that Jacksonville defensive coordinator Mike Smith would be the new head coach of the Atlanta Falcons. God, even his name is boring.

I really thought the Falcons would try to make a big splash with their head coaching hire and try to drag Marty Schottenheimer (14-2 last year with the Chargers) or Brian Billick (won a Super Bowl) to Atlanta. Not that unknown defensive coordinators can't make good head coaches. Not a lot of people knew who Tony Dungy was when the Buccaneers hired him in 1996, either. And Jacksonville has had a pretty consistently good defense since Smith has been there, never falling below #12 overall. But something about this hire just screams, "Doesn't anyone want this job?!?" His press conference is going to be nice and awkward. How do you pretend like this is a magical union of destiny when you are the fourth or fifth choice for the job?

Anyway, nothing personal against Smith, but I hope he fails spectacularly. I hope the Falcons are last in every statistical category and are riddled with even more off-the-field problems. Maybe we'll find out that DeAngelo Hall runs a midtown prostitution ring or maybe security cameras can catch Chris Redman stealing panties at the Fredrick's in Lenox. And then it can somehow all get blamed on Rich McKay. Sweeeeeet.

Posted by Scott at 10:39 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: falcons, mike smith, nfc south, things i am wishing for

January 23, 2008

Cadillac May Need To Find A New Career

PFT has the following "story", which I will just cut and paste here because it's short enough.

One of the rumors making the rounds in Mobile is that the career of Buccaneers running back Cadillac Williams could be over.

This is pretty loose, even for PFT. Apparently someone had a conversation about Cadillac at the Senior Bowl that was overheard and phoned in like it was news. I really don't think anyone knows for sure at this stage, but I guess now's as good a time as any to talk about it since it's already been brought up.

Everyone I talk to says that players are never the same after this kind of injury. Willis McGahee is running on half a patellar tendon now because the other half was used to repair other parts of his knee that he shredded in college. He seems to be doing all right. But Correll Buckhalter has never fully come back from a torn patellar tendon. Poor LeCharles Bentley can't seem to recover from it, either. Troy Brown started the season on the PUP list because of his patellar tear, but he's on the roster now (although inactive.) Time (lots of time) will tell, but there's no way he comes back like he was. The Bucs need to make plans as though Cadillac will never be back and then treat it like a bonus if he is able to play again.

If Williams can't return, it's another argument against using a high first-round pick on a running back. The financial investment is enormous, and the running back is always one play away from a serious, if not permanent, injury.

That's silly. Almost every player is one play away from a permanent injury. If teams were to draft players based on their ability to stay healthy, the first round would be nothing but kickers. Adrian Peterson, Jamal Lewis, Edgerrin James, LaDainian Tomlinson... they all did ok as high first rounders. Running back is a big concern for the Bucs this year, but the question is, is it their biggest need and worthy of their #1 pick? Earnest Graham did pretty well, all things considered. I think he's earned the chance to be a full-year feature back. If the Bucs can't get Michael Pittman or Michael Bennett to re-sign (or even if they can,) find a running back in the middle rounds.

Posted by Scott at 11:38 AM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: cadillac williams, rumors and lies

January 22, 2008

His Name's Jon G. And He's About To Get Money

It's not "official official" yet, but it looks like Jon Gruden and Bruce Allen have each been signed to three-year extensions. Allen has been predicting that the Buccaneers were going to make some big free agent waves this season, and it was important to have a stable coaching staff if that was going to happen. It is kind of funny that they got renewed for the same period of time, further perpetuating the impression that they are somehow connected at the hip. Anyway, who wants to start the Steve Duemig suicide watch?

Hey, look at that. This is my one-thousandth entry. Thanks for choosing Bucstats.com where we stand by our motto: "50,000 monkeys with 50,000 typewriters can't be wrong!"

Posted by Scott at 10:22 AM | Comments (6)
Tags for this article: bruce allen, jon gruden

A Quick Irony

Doug Williams has been selected to present the Vince Lombardi trophy to the winners of the Super Bowl this year in celebration of the 20th anniversary of the first black quarterback to win the game. This year's Super Bowl quarterbacks are Tom Brady and Eli Manning, perhaps the two whitest Super Bowl quarterbacks in the last twenty years. Go ahead and try to think of a whiter one.

And Trent Dilfer doesn't count. I've heard he can dance.

Posted by Scott at 10:04 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: doug williams, eli manning, tom brady

What's The Plan Beyond Kiffin?

According to several sources, Monte Kiffin's contract extension was for two years. Stephen Holder of The Times wrote a short piece on how Kiffin doesn't want to quit after the two years is up, though.

"They'll have to run me out," he said. "And if they do, I'll be coaching somewhere else."

Kiffin will be 70 when his new contract expires. 70. Not that a 70-year old can't coach a defense, but at what point does he start to lose the ears of 22-year old rookies because they simply can't identify with him? The NFL is all about production, and by that standard, Kiffin produced the #2 defense in the league. Not too shabby. Kiffin is apparently in excellent health and can go on coaching for quite a while. But there comes a time when an injection of new ideas and a new voice of leadership is called for. I've got to think that in two years, that time will be pretty close.

It is worth noting that Raheem Morris's contract expires after the 2008 season and there is no doubt in my mind that he will be a hot commodity as a defensive coordinator. If the Bucs have any interest in grooming Morris for that job after Kiffin leaves, they should extend his contract now and let him know that the job is his once Kiffin is gone. That may not be so easy. Morris is ambitious and may not want to wait around. Big wads of cash tend to sway those types of opinions, though. It might be worth overpaying a position coach if you know he's going to be your main guy in a couple years.

On a related note, secondary assistant Jimmy Lake took a job with Detroit as their defensive backs coach. Lake is said to have a lot of the qualities that Morris and Mike Tomlin have: strong work ethic, good leadership skills, the respect of their players, keen defensive minds. Lake signed a two year deal with the Lions and will be pretty much in the same position that Morris is in right now. Maybe he comes back to Tampa at the end of 2009?

Do you know how hard it is to find a non-press kit picture of Jimmy Lake or Raheem Morris? It's damn near impossible, so here's a picture of Morris's and Lake's efforts actualized in Tanard Jackson's decapitation of Dallas Clark. If you go back and watch the game, you can see a small piece of Clark's soul left on the field after the play is over.

Posted by Scott at 9:43 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: jimmy lake, monte kiffin, raheem morris, tanard jackson

January 21, 2008

Bucs Are Finalists For Game In England

To no one's surprise, the Buccaneers are one of the teams being considered for a game in England (or Great Britain, or the United Kingdom... can someone explain the difference?) in 2008.

"The NFL has informed us that we are being considered as one of the teams to participate in next season’s international regular season game in the U.K.," team spokesman Jeff Kamis said.

Although this would increase worldwide exposure of the Buccaneers, I'm hoping that they aren't chosen. From a win/loss standpoint, nothing good can come of this. At worst, the Buccaneers lose a home game and have to endure the animosity that Malcolm Glazer has somehow created for himself with his purchase of the Manchester United soccer team. Jesus, can you imagine a stadium filled with drunken hooligans famous for rioting when their beer gets too cold completely focusing their attention on the team owned by the man whom they perceive to have sullied the tradition of their beloved United? And what about the season ticket holders? Do they get an eighth of their ticket price back?

The Bucs will already get a couple national games based on their record in 2007. The additional exposure will do nothing to help them win. I'm really not even sure overseas regular season games will ultimately do anything to increase foreign interest in the sport, much like soccer over here is still a sport best left for community parks and high schools with crappy football teams.

Posted by Scott at 5:20 PM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: malcolm glazer

January 18, 2008

Monte Agrees In Principle, Stroud To Hang Self In Shower

He hasn't signed yet, but Monte Kiffin's agent, Jimmy Sexton, confirms that Kiffin will be sticking around with the Buccaneers for around $2 million per year.

"We should have something on it in a day or so."

Earlier today, I read Rick Stroud's story about Kiffin getting offered less than he was currently making.

It's believed the Bucs have offered Kiffin less than what he made last season, leaving the two sides considerably apart.

I had half an entry written about how "it's believed" means Stroud had absolutely no sources and was just pulling this out of his gargantuan asshole, but I abandoned it because it started to sound like I was piling on when I really didn't know what Kiffin was offered myself. The Tribune touched on it, but their version of it has far fewer instances of the words "fuckface" and "hack-tacular".

News of the agreement came despite reports claiming the Bucs had lowballed Kiffin on a contract offer. However, Kiffin's agent, Jimmy Sexton, told the Tribune that those reports were inaccurate.

I'm not sure which is more satisfying, Kiffin being retained or Stroud being publicly proven wrong again. Isn't it about time to stick him on the monster truck rally or championship bingo beats?

Posted by Scott at 2:19 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: monte kiffin, tampa media

A Couple Small Stories Because There Are No Big Ones

Here's a light article from Forbes about the billionaires in football, Malcom Glazer being the second richest owner in the league. Number one is Paul Allen who got all his money from Microsoft. He's worth $16.8 billion, but still dresses like Cliff Claven for some reason. But I guess none of those Microsoft guys were ever much into fashion. Also, the slide about Malcolm Glazer says he bought the Buccaneers for $192 billion, which is obviously a typo unless they were paying for Alvin Harper's ego by the pound.

Hey, did you know Tom Blanchard was coaching high school football? A punter! It's a true story; they're almost like real people these days, you know. He's actually been doing it for 18 years and now he's hanging up his whistle to continue on as the Grants Pass athletic director. When did high schools start getting athletic directors? Back when I was in high school, all the coaches had to also teach classes and it didn't seem like any of them were getting much "direction". One of the football coaches was also my Driver's Ed teacher. Instead of giving you detention, he'd make you run laps. One time I asked if I could just drive my laps instead. Everyone in the class laughed except him. I'm pretty sure you can find him on a registered sex offender list somewhere now.

Posted by Scott at 9:53 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: buccaneer history, malcolm glazer, paul allen, seahawks, tom blanchard

January 17, 2008

Packers Fan Is Child-Abusey

My kids give absolutely no fucks for football. Every now and then they like to go outside and "throw the ball around" with dad, but that's as far as they'll take it. On Sundays (or Mondays or Thursdays or Saturdays) when the games are on and I'm squinting to see which o-line substitution got Jeff Garcia destroyed on that last play, they're off shooting each other in the eyes with air rifles or playing video games that are rated far above their ages. Their closets have the obligatory Buccaneer apparel that they do wear from time to time, but only because it's the last remaining clean shirt that fits them. Maybe it's because we are a Buccaneer household in Falcons territory and all their buddies are wearing Keith Brooking jerseys. Or maybe, simply, football isn't their sport, much in the same way I can't watch a baseball game for more than five minutes without wanting to chug a quart of boiling battery acid just so I can feel something interesting. Whatever the reason, I have abandoned the idea of my children and I gathering around the television on gameday and cheering on the Buccaneers together.

I obviously give up far too easily.

A Packers fan who is much more dedicated to the idea of shoving team homerism down his offspring's throat has earned a restraining order from his family for his bold display of aggravated parenting.

Upset that his 7-year-old son wouldn't wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team's playoff victory Saturday, a man restrained the boy for an hour with tape and taped the jersey onto him.

The boy refused to wear the jersey Saturday, when the Packers beat the Seattle Seahawks in a playoff game, [Officer Wayne] Smith said. Smith said the incident sounded strange when reported at first, but the mother took pictures with her cell phone and that type of evidence is difficult to dispute.

The father, Mathew Kowald of Portage, WI, went on to say, "I didn't mean no harm." The article doesn't say how many packs of cigarettes were rolled up in Kowald's T-shirt sleeves, but I'm betting it was more than two. Plus one tucked behind the ear.

So now I think we all need to ask ourselves, do we love our children enough to tape them to a chair and then tape team jerseys on their backs in order to force them to like what we like and be little versions of us? I think you all know the answer. On a completely unrelated note, extra-wide duct tape is only $9.98 per roll at Lowe's.

Posted by Scott at 11:24 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: douchebags, packers

Chad Johnson Is Probably Staying In Cincinnati

I had briefly mentioned that I thought Chad Johnson would make a good addition to the Buccaneers and that because he seemed unhappy in Cincinnati that he would be available for trade. Marvin Lewis disagrees with me. I don't know what makes his opinion so damn special.

"There will be no trade of Chad Johnson," Lewis said after he and [Mike] Zimmer both discussed the team's defense. "He felt he was unduly chastised, ridiculed, we defended him then. ... He is a professional football player. He is a Cincinnati Bengal for quite a while."

Of course, the Bengals have a long and distinguished history of doing exactly the wrong thing for their franchise, so you never know. But it sounds like the price to pry him away from the Bengals is going to be way too high. Next stop: Larry Fitzgerald.

Posted by Scott at 9:35 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: bengals, chad johnson

January 16, 2008

Monte Kiffin Now Free To Whore Himself To Highest Bidder

Apparently, the Buccaneers had the exclusive on negotiating with Monte Kiffin up through yesterday. That time has expired and now Kiffin is free to negotiate with whichever team he wants. Adam Schefter mentions a Jason Garrett/Monte Kiffin package for a team without a head coach out there, but I'm pretty sure that's just Schefter thinking out loud (and into the camera.) Was this a deliberate move by the Buccaneers to get the market to set Kiffin's value, or are the contract details just taking longer to work out?

If Kiffin does move on, I hope Jon Gruden will take a look at promoting Raheem Morris to the defensive coordinator spot. Continuity, people.

Posted by Scott at 11:00 AM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: monte kiffin

Earnest Graham Will Get To Ride On A Float

Ok, so... let's see if we can find a story to lighten the mood a little. Hey, Earnest Graham will be the grand marshal at the Edison Festival of Light Grand Parade on February 16 in Fort Myers. Get it? "Lighten the mood"? Oh, bite me. You try to make something funny out of these stories.

Thomas Edison had a winter estate in Ft. Myers that he bought when he was 39. His friends and neighbors included Henry Ford and Harvey Firestone (the tire guy, not the rough-throated drag queen,) which must have been great for property values. Together, they pioneered the trend of old people moving to Florida and changing the laws to keep local ponds constantly stocked with hungry ducks and to have young people rounded up and shot. The second part of their plan didn't go over so well and has since been abandoned (see "Panama City"), but Florida to this day is known for having the most duck-filled ponds in the country. For this, Edison gets a parade.

"There's going to be the world's largest rubber-band ball... It'll be bouncing its way into Fort Myers just to be in the parade."

Statements like the above are precisely why I don't live in Florida anymore. Well, that and all the pimps who have hits out on me. Did you know hookers don't fall for the sad-look face when it comes time to pay? I didn't. But that's a different story for another day. Wait, wasn't this supposed to be about Earnest Graham?

Posted by Scott at 10:35 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: earnest graham, get off my lawn

Tony Bouie Is Not Doing Well

Former Buccaneer safety Tony Bouie has cancer. Lots of it.

Tony Bouie has cancer. Exactly what kind he will find out Wednesday. But it's bad. It's in his liver, elbow, neck, hip... the damn disease is all over his skeletal system. Time is beginning to be measured in months.

You can go to his blog and see videos he has recorded documenting what he's going through. He sounds a lot more optimistic on the recent videos than the article makes him out to be. I'm not sure if that's the media making things seem as gloomy as possible or if Bouie is just so incredibly positive. Here is the message he wants to get across:

Bouie wants his story told. Here he is, 35, a former pro athlete, who had nary a health care in the world when he went for his physical exam. Motivating people to get to the doctor, even in the supposed best of times, is one thing he can do.

I always liked Bouie because he had no business making the roster, but he still stuck around for five years based on his tenacity and perseverance alone. Good luck to him and his family.

Posted by Scott at 10:21 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: buccaneer history, tony bouie

January 15, 2008

Gruden No Longer Valero's BFF

I touched on Art Valero's farewell "fuck you" to the Buccaneers yesterday because it was the catalyst for the Times's story. The Times only had a couple brief quotes from Valero and they were evidently taken somewhat out of context. Pewter Report dug deeper and, it turns out, he is much more pissed than he initially sounded. Valero talks about how he was passed over for promotions, how his ideas weren't listened to, and how he was promised things that were never delivered on. It apparently all started at the Senior Bowl a couple years ago.

"To appease me, Jon [Gruden] was going to allow me to call the plays and call the game at the Senior Bowl," Valero said. "That was when [running back Cadillac Williams] was there, and I never got the chance to. I was prepared. I was ready to go, but he called the plays. I don’t know why I wasn't allowed to. I told him my displeasure with how they were doing it [with Aaron Kromer] and he said, 'Well, you know that you're going to be the coordinator here.' I knew right there that he was B.S.ing me. Why would you want to be a coordinator for him when he is going to call the plays? That's a paper lion, you know? That, professionally, wouldn't have done me any good. He sits there and tells people one truth just to appease them and he thinks they are dumb, when people really do realize it. I think that was the turning point [between me and Gruden]."

He goes on to clarify his quotes on the Times and gives credit to Gruden and Bruce Allen for doing what they did with the season and, at the same time, sticking the knife in for resting the players for the playoffs. Read the whole thing when you have time, if for no other reason than it's the only thing happening that's even remotely Buccaneer-related.

Of course, neither Gruden nor Allen have commented on Valero's comments and I'm sure they won't. When the topic is raised by a reporter next week, they'll say they have no comment on it except that they wish Valero well in his new position and that will be the end of it. Valero's position is lessened somewhat by the fact that Bill Muir seemed to have options this season but still chose to stick around and re-sign. But if stories like this become too commonplace, Allen and Gruden are going to find it hard to attract quality assistant coaches. As I remember, Mike Tomlin had a couple words to say about Gruden on his way out, too. I don't recall any explicit things Joe Barry or Rod Marinelli said after they left Tampa Bay, but I have a feeling the Grudens aren't on their Christmas card lists since they were both held back from leaving for promotions at one point. It's going to be interesting to see who they get to replace Valero in the next couple weeks.

Posted by Scott at 11:13 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: art valero, jon gruden

January 14, 2008

The Times: "Gruden = Bad, Dungy = Good"

I have to hand it to the Times; they do have balls. And as much as I despise most of their Bucs beat reporters, I do have to step back and admire the impudence it takes for them to pull their pants down and waves their collective dicks at their readers all for the purpose of satisfying their own personal agendas. There aren't many professions where you can get away with that. Imagine you paid a contractor to build you the tudor-style house of your dreams, but when you came back to check on the progress, he was building a Victorian. Why? Because he likes Victorians better. Newspaper readers pay for, among other things, impartial and factual reporting. It's part of the deal and what makes real newspaper sites more reputible than, say, what you're reading right now.

Of course, all this is leading up to a ridiculous anti-Gruden article from Rick Stroud. Stroud must have been sitting at his desk and racking his brain [sic] for an angle where he could criticize Jon Gruden despite a 9-7 record and a trip to the playoffs with an overflowing injured reserve list. Some media folk (Howie Long comes to mind immediately, as does the Times's own Gary Shelton) have even called this Gruden's finest year of coaching in his career. Then, Art Valero went to the Rams and took the opportunity to get some stuff off his chest.

"It's nice to work for someone that you trust and you know when he tells you something, he means it," Valero said of [Scott] Linehan. "I didn't have to roll my eyes and wonder if it would change by the time he got down the hall."

He also had something to say about Gruden's decision to rest his starters for a couple weeks.

"We have the healthiest team no longer playing in the playoffs," Valero said.

Stroud must have had priaprism after he read that. An ex-coach was willing to dog Gruden! That's all he needed to let loose.

... inside those walls, it can be a pretty lousy place to work.

That's thesentiment oftoo many assistant coaches, front office personnel and beloved players when they get away from Jon Gruden.

You can choose to look through pewter-and-red glasses and kill the messenger. Fan-site chat rooms are ready for you.

Stroud goes on to make a very generalized point about Gruden having a big ego and making everything all about him. In reality, Gruden called a bad game. In a season where he made some fantastic calls in difficult circumstances, he called a shit game at a critical time. It's frustrating, but it happens. It doesn't mean that Gruden has somehow lost the team or that he's on some Donald Trump-ish ego ride. That's not looking through pewter-colored glasses (which most people call sunglasses,) that's just being objective. In fact, players backed him up when they were asked about their coach at the end of the season.

"We're a well-coached football team, no doubt about it," [Ronde] Barber said.

And you know a Barber wouldn't hesitate to say if he thought his team had been outcoached.

"I always expect Jon to be my coach," [Chris] Hovan said.

And just to make sure you know where the Times stands on their coaching preferences, John Romano pens yet another sappy tribute to Tony Dungy, the man who coached Tampa Bay seven years ago.

You see, Tony Dungy has always understood the world was larger than him.

Which is the exact opposite of what Stroud said about Gruden. This is the third year in a row the Times has done a year-end piece on Dungy. In 2005 they did one because his son committed suicide. In 2006 they did one because he won the Super Bowl. Now this year they're doing one because he might retire. But he might not, too.

Funny how situations can look similar and yet be so different. His last bosses insisted that Dungy leave after a playoff loss, and his current bosses are begging him to stay.

He just couldn't write a Dungy article without getting a Buccaneer dig in, could he? None of them can resist their chances to take shots. It's sad because their subscribers deserve better than their paper's top reporters treating their product like their own, personal blogs.

Posted by Scott at 2:32 PM | Comments (2)
Tags for this article: douchebags, jon gruden, someone actually paid this person to write this shit, tampa media, tony dungy

January 11, 2008

Warren Sapp Knows Gay Porn

According to Warren Sapp, the Oakland Raiders refer to really bad plays on the field as "gay porn".

"It was something that was really, really on the edge of like, gay porn. When it's real bad football, that's what we call it: gay porn. Something you just don't want to watch. Something you just don't want to see on TV. Something you don't even want to talk about. That's gay porn."

So, apparently Sapp has been heavily involved in "gay porn" (mind the quotes) since he left the Buccaneers. On a completely different note, here's a photo of Sapp looking totally disinterested while he's being kissed by a woman.

Seriously, Sapp, why would you say something like that? Don't you know better by now?

Posted by Scott at 1:14 PM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: warren sapp

Offseason 2008 Wish List: Part 2

Center: Last year when I mentioned that the Bucs needed an upgrade at center, I was shouted down by most everyone who said that the team had needs elsewhere. Well, not actually shouted down since most of the opposition came from people who had Calvin Johnson's dick in their mouths, but you get the idea. And last year the major weak point in the offensive line was the center. This isn't an I-told-you-so moment because, of course, I'm not talking about you. I just want to disprove the idea that you can ignore the line in favor of skill positions.

The center is the leader of the offensive line and needs to be smart and able to set the point immediately and make adjustments on the fly. John Wade has all that and it's been great having his leadership to help all the other linemen who are, at most, in their second year. But the center also has to hold up physically, and Wade isn't getting the job done. In 2006, he was being pushed around a lot and not helping to open running lanes. This year he was getting run over like a crossing guard on Randy Moss's route home and allowing defensive linemen and linebackers a clear inside lane to the quarterback. The position requires a physical presence that Wade just doesn't seem to have anymore.

The only centers coming available in free agency that I know anything about are Jeremy Newberry in Oakland and Seth McKinney in Cleveland. Forget McKinney who ended 2007 on injured reserve, and it wasn't the first time. Newberry visited the Bucs last offseason but wasn't signed. He's durable and a physical player up the middle and would make an excellent addition. He'll be 32 when next season starts, so he's still got some gas left and would provide experience upon Wade's departure. As much as I like bringing rookies in to grow up within the system, that's not the position you want a rookie starting in.

But as long as I'm talking about rookies, here are a couple at the position. Steve Justice (Wake Forest) will probably be the top rated center in the draft. He's generally thought of as smart but weak at the point of attack. The Bucs already have that, but maybe he could be coached to be more physical? I dunno... offensive line coaching isn't exactly a strength of this team. Cody Wallace (Texas A&M) is another top center prospect. Wallace is a solid run blocker but may need some help in the passing game. He's a natural center, though, and has a lot of experience in college.

Additionally, Dan Buenning might be ready to compete for the position in camp and may actually go into camp as the starter if Wade is let go. Buenning has been hurt all year and didn't get to immerse himself in the position and has been inactive just about all year. If Jon Gruden had thought he was ready, he would have activated him instead of Matt Lehr. I understand he was injured, but apparently not badly enough to put him on IR.

I'd like to see Bruce Allen sign Newberry to compete with Buenning and having Lehr remain the swing guy who can also play guard. Drafting a center isn't essential at this point because Buenning is still young and hasn't really had an opportunity to display his skills at that position. Whatever they decide, it's pretty obvious that the team needs an upgrade at this position. It's the final piece of the offensive line. Once that position is settled, I think the Bucs can have a serious, consistent presence up front for several years to come.

Posted by Scott at 11:53 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: cody wallace, dan buenning, jeremy newberry, john wade, seth mckinney, steve justice

Conan O'Brien Something Something Boobs

Tampa Bay Buccaneer cheerleader Leigh Killian was a guest on Late Night With Conan O'Brien last night and I still am not sure exactly why. She had nothing really to promote and basically just talked about her job as a probation officer and a cheerleader. Not that I'm complaining, you understand. Hell, she came out in her full September game day apparel -- the short stuff. Like this:

She spent most of her time talking about her day job, confirming that she does indeed carry a gun (she scored 47 of 48 on her marksmanship test), and showing Conan the "interview stance" when dealing with a felon. Since Leigh only works with violent ex-cons, she has to keep her distance when interviewing them. She offered to show Howie Mandel (the other guest on the stage at the time) how she positions herself to talk with then, but Howie insisted that he show Conan instead because he preferred the angle at which he was sitting (behind her). Then Howie left to wash his hands 12 times.

It was also nice to see that when Conan asked her to do a cheer to finish the segment that she, instead, led the crowd in a cheer of "CONAN! O'BRIEN!" and didn't dance for him like a monkey with a tin cup. Smart move on her part.

Again, I'm not sure why she was there. It's nice to see a cheerleader whose day job description isn't "sales assistant" or something, but I'm sure she's not the only one in the league. I'm assuming this, of course. I don't actually read about them or anything because that would mean taking my eyes off their cans, but I'm sure the law of averages applies here. So far this year she's been featured on Inside the NFL on HBO, First Take on ESPN2 and Maxim Radio. She was also the featured cheerleader for dirty old man Gregg Easterbrook's weekly Page 2 column a couple months ago. Whatever the reason, she's got a lot of momentum right now, so don't be surprised to see her get really popular really fast. And I'll be right there waiting for the bitter ex-boyfriend to release the inevitable sex tape.

Posted by Scott at 10:17 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: cheerleaders, leigh killian

January 10, 2008

Bruce Allen Hates Money

For a man who is notoriously oblique during his press conferences (much to the dismay of various whiny Tampa reporters,) Bruce Allen was surprisingly transparent in his intention to violate league tampering rules this offseason.

"Actually free agents aren't supposed to be calling us until March 1, even though our phone number is published so they can find it."

He did everything except say the words "hint hint" audibly. If Roger Goodell has made one thing clear, it's that he likes to fine people. I'm convinced it sexually arouses him. And tampering rules prevent him from talking to a player under contract to another NFL team even if that contract is set to expire soon. So unless fines are considered tax deductible charitable contributions and Allen is trying to get into a lower bracket, he should probably just keep that kind of innuendo to himself. He should also try to insult Rick Stroud more like he did early in the season because that really never gets old.

Posted by Scott at 2:50 PM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: bruce allen

Muir Re-Signs With Bucs

Bruce Allen just announced that both Bill Muir and Rich Bisaccia have signed contract extensions with the Bucs. Monte Kiffin has a contract offer from the Bucs but hasn't signed yet. So I guess we'll all find out if the 2007 offensive line was just a fluke or if they're really on the right track. No word yet on a Jon Gruden contract extension, but I can't imagine they let him go into the new season as a lame duck.

UPDATE: Art Valero, the guy who helped Earnest Graham go from undrafted free agent to an every-down running back , signed with the Rams.

UPDATE 2: The Times put something out about this. Their report includes Richard Mann's re-signing, which I didn't pick on when I heard it. Honestly, I would have been fine if Mann had been allowed to leave. With Michael Clayton's decline and receivers dropping passes all over the place and running sloppy routes, you have to find someone who can coach these guys up to their potential. Chances are the Bucs will have Paris Warren and Maurice Stovall on the team next year. They can't afford to be ruined by Mann.

Posted by Scott at 12:39 PM | Comments (3)
Tags for this article: bill muir, jon gruden, monte kiffin, rich bisaccia

Bucs Need Assistance To Find Assistants

The latest unsubstantiated and baseless rumor grinding out of NFL markets whose seasons are long over is that Miami is looking to hire Bill Muir. It is a possibility since Bill Parcells has a good relationship with Muir and it appears that Parcells is perfectly content to hire a full compliment of assistant coaches before filling the head coaching job.

Meanwhile, Bill Callahan interviewed with the Jets yesterday. That part isn't a rumor; it actually happened. So if Muir isn't renewed (and it's really looking like he won't be) and Callahan takes a job with the Jets, who will coach the Buccaneer offensive line? Is Aaron Kromer ready for that kind of responsibility?

As long as we're talking about offensive assistant coaches leaving, Art Valero (who is the running backs coach) is interviewing with St. Louis for the offensive line coach spot. If Callahan really does go to the Jets and both Muir and Valero leave, the Bucs could wind up with a Greg Burns/Jethro Franklin situation on the offensive side of the ball for 2008 when they hire whoever is available at the time. And that would put an end to Jon Gruden's tenure with the Buccaneers faster than Britney puts an end to a dessert cart. And erections.

Ever think about the physical toll coaches pay for working in the NFL? Here's Bill Muir's media kit shots from 2003, 2005 and 2006. If Muir coaches beyond this year, his team's press department can just use a picture of a large raisin for his press shot. No one will know the difference.

Posted by Scott at 11:01 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: art valero, bill callahan, bill muir, get off my lawn

January 9, 2008

Offseason 2008 Wish List: Part 1

Wide Receiver: Last year I thought it was a good idea to push off getting Joey Galloway's replacement until this offseason because there were so many other needs. After seeing what happens when Galloway is even a little hurt, it's obvious that now is the time. And not in the draft; the Bucs need to take the plunge in free agency and get a wide receiver that is ready to contribute now.

Chad Johnson would be nice and he is talking like he wants to get out of Cincinnati. Also, Larry Fitzgerald is going to be due $14+ million in salary for 2008 and I don't think the Cardinals can justify it. Either of those guys could be ripe for a trade and would quickly provide a deep receiving threat. The trouble is, what will either of those teams want for those players in terms of draft picks? The "Randy Moss for a fourth rounder" deal came about because that's specifically where Moss wanted to go and his reputation was damaged in Oakland (surprise!). Both Johnson and Fitzgerald have been productive, and outside of Johnson's usually-for-fun smack talk, neither of them have character issues.

Another possibility is Javon Walker, who has indicated that he's not real happy in Denver anymore. Walker is another guy who can stretch the field, but this is the second team he has grown tired of and requested a trade from. Is he a locker room distraction waiting to happen or does he just need a different environment? He was worth a second rounder to Denver a couple years ago but he has been consistently injured since then.

Jerry Porter of Oakland is set to be a free agent in 2008, is a talented receiver and a real douche. Maybe Jon Gruden, Bruce Allen and possibly Bill Callahan, who were all with him in Oakland when he was drafted in 2000, can bring out the best in him and his ridiculous belt. Or maybe he's just a lost cause who Al Davis should put a hit out on.

Those are about the only possibilities I can think of for "big name" wide receiver acquisitions this season. Some receivers will make it to free agency after their contracts are up this year (David Patten and Jabar Gaffney, for example) and there are some that are available right now (Doug Gabriel, maybe?) but no one that will make an opposing defense think any differently about the Buccaneer offense. Since Arizona's in a difficult position with Fitzgerald, I would probably concentrate on working a trade for him and re-structuring his contract to make it more reasonable.

Posted by Scott at 11:37 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: chad johnson, david patten, doug gabriel, jabar gaffney, javon walker, larry fitzgerald, offseason wish list

Mike Alstott's Got A Bitchin' Camaro

Mike Alstott is auctioning off his custom-built 1969 Camaro convertible and giving the entire bid amount to his foundation, which is pretty sweet. The auction starts on January 21, so cash in those $50 gift checks you got for Christmas and get to bidding. Alstott helped assemble the engine himself and the interior has actual football leather accents. For the mechanically inclined, here are some of the details:

• DART SPLAYED CAP BLOCK
• SCAT STEEL CRANKSHAFT
• STEEL H BEAM STAINLESS STEEL CONNECTING RODS W/ UPGRADED BOLTS
• MAHLE FORGED PISTONS
• DART PRO-ONE ALUMINUM HIGH PERFORMANCE CYLINDER HEADS
• COMP CAMS HIGH PERFORMANCE SOLID LIFTER CAM SHAFT

Hey, I know what a couple of those words mean! Here's the line that gets your attention, though:

565 CUBIC INCHES, 675 HORSEPOWER 625 ft lb torque

Now that's a big damn engine. For comparison, a stock 2002 Camaro (the last year of production) had 224 horsepower. Not only will you be the fastest and therefore coolest ride on the road, but everytime you start the engine, an environmentalist somewhere gets a sharp pain in his nuts. How can you not bid on it?

Yeah, and good luck getting that song out of your head.

Posted by Scott at 10:04 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: mike alstott, the offseason just started and i'm already doing stories like this

January 8, 2008

Being Careful What I Wish For

So I've been lobbying for Bill Muir to get fired or left for dead in a remarkably shallow grave, whichever is cheaper. If you're a regular to this site, you know that I've been wanting this for years. And now that nearly all the pieces are in place (nearly... don't get too comfortable, Wade) and the offensive line, despite their shit-tastic performance on Sunday, is slowly developing into a nice, cohesive unit, Muir's contract is up and rumors are flying about the Bucs wanting to hire Bill Callahan to take his place.

Callahan completely lost the Raiders' locker room when he was head coach there. Then he coached Nebraska to their first losing season since Kennedy was killed. But when he was working for Jon Gruden as an offensive coordinator, he helped develop a nice passing game and a strong offensive line. Is it just that Callahan sucks as a head coach and that he can really take the Tampa Bay offensive line to the next level? Or should Muir be extended and allowed to continue the job that he is finally getting right?

[remembering Kenyatta Walker, Chris Colmer, Lance Nimmo, Austin King, Sean Mahan...]

Ahh, you know what... fuck it. Let him go.

Posted by Scott at 12:08 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: bill callahan, bill muir

A Bunch Of Headlines That I Stole

Pewter Report was apparently the only media source to cover anything other than Jon Gruden's season-ending press conference because they have a shitload of information that no one else is reporting.

Michael Bennett would like to return to the Bucs.

"I definitely want to be here," said Bennett. "It's a great place. It's unfortunate that I had to catch it in the middle and not in the beginning. Hopefully if they want me around I will have a chance to be here early to get ready for everything."

Of course, most players who aren't total assholes say something like that at the end of the season, so who knows. Cadillac Williams will never be the same and Michael Pittman isn't getting any younger (note to Bucs: RE-SIGN PITTMAN!) I could easily see a 1-2 punch of Earnest Graham and Bennett in the backfield. Bennett made a couple small waves when he didn't get the ball as much as he thought he should, but he sounds like a good guy and he definitely has talent. He probably won't break the bank, either.

Anthony Becht, on the other hand, sounds like he's about ready to hit the road.

"Obviously there are a ton of decisions that need to be made and when it's my turn we'll see. I do believe the market is going to treat me well. I still have a lot of years left and I'm very healthy. I don't have a bruise on me right now. That's great. I'm working out a little earlier this year and where I wind up we'll have to see."

Becht goes on to say most of the standard cliches that you would expect about playing his role to the best of his abilities and liking the direction of the team. Jerramy Stevens (whose contract is also up) is a much bigger receiving threat but not as good a blocker (although better than you might expect.) Alex Smith is a decent hybrid and has shown some toughness this year... and a knack for dropping huge catches. I wouldn't be surprised if Becht is allowed to leave and Gruden goes after Ben Troupe from Tennessee. I know Dallas Clark is the marquee name, but his price tag is going to be huge and the Bucs need to spend that elsewhere.

Derrick Brooks is optimistic about 2008 and he thinks he needs to be a part of it.

"I expect to be here because I deserve to be here," said Brooks.

It's a pretty bold quote, but if anyone has the clout to get away with it, it's Brooks. And to be fair, he played better this year than I ever expected him to play. I guess 2006 was just a shit year for the defense all around. So, yeah, he should definitely be a part of 2008, but they need to keep resting him for certain plays and keep pressuring him with competition. Cato June is to be the weakside linebacker of the future, and it's going to become increasingly difficult to convince me that Brooks is the best guy for that particular job.

But, man, he did lay a couple killer hits this year.

Chris Simms talked at length about how his recovery is going.

"I'm doing good. A lot better and finally feeling like myself again," Simms said. "So I'm just excited for the new year to come and personally just glad that I'm feeling better and will be ready to go next year."

Simms didn't say a lot about if he thinks he'll be a Buccaneer in 2008. His trade value will go up if he's healthy, but he still won't fetch a lot. Assuming the team doesn't add anyone new into the quarterback mix, you have to give Simms a decent shot at winning the backup job. Luke McCown will definitely stick around and you could tell Gruden was disgusted with how Bruce Gradkowski performed in his only game of the year. Gradkowski may be the guy who gets traded on draft day to a team looking for some quarterback depth... kind of like the way the Bucs wound up with McCown. I'm betting that Simms stays at least through minicamps so the coaches can get a good feel for how healthy he is and if he can get the ball down the field.

Oh, and the title of that particular article is "Simms Opens Up About Injury", which is probably an unintentional pun.

They have a few other stories up from the end-of-season meetings including one about Paris Warren (he'll be back for OTAs), one about Jon Gruden's contract status (no one knows anything) and one about Cato June's injury (broken foot). But, you know, go to their site anyway and click one of their ads so they don't sue me or something.

Posted by Scott at 11:14 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: anthony becht, chris simms, derrick brooks, michael bennett

January 7, 2008

Arthur Blank Has Been Dicknotized

I can think of no other good explanation for why Arthur Blank would not only give Rich McKay a two-year extension but also a raise. He has him under deep, deep dicknosis.

McKay remains Blank's top adviser in the current search, a dynamic that has several league officials and agents of coaching and GM candidates somewhat perplexed, since McKay has significant sway in hiring his replacement and will remain with the team in a high-ranking capacity.

Of course this means that McKay will continue to hold all the cards in the Atlanta front office. If the new GM succeeds, McKay will continue to be a part of that success. If the new GM fails, McKay can stand back and say, "See what happens when you take away the GM duties from me?"

Blank's process here is pretty irrational, which is one of the symptoms of dicknosis. It probably happened when Blank first interviewed McKay. McKay walked into Blank's office, reached into his pants, pulled out what must be an enormous trouser python, and said, "Who's got complete control over all football functions?" Blank obediently answered, "You do!" while never removing his eyes from McKay's package, even to blink. The answer to getting McKay out of Atlanta is obvious: Hire someone with an even bigger cock than McKay. For example, have they interviewed Mike Singletary yet? Or alternatively, as the Urban Dictionary suggests, "the only known cure is a good, old fashioned bitch/pimp slap administered by a close friend."

It's not that I want to see the Falcons succeed. I just hate seeing Rich McKay happy.

Posted by Scott at 12:49 PM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: arthur blank, falcons, nfc south, rich mckay

A Big, Heaping Pile Of Suck

Let's make this clear: The Bucs did not lose because Jon Gruden rested his starters for a couple weeks. It wasn't rust. They dominated the first quarter which is when you would expect rust to be a factor. Everything I read today in one way or another asks the question, "NOW do you think he should have rested his players?" Yes, I still think so.

Pass protection was not good yesterday, but damn, Jeff Garcia is a jumpy motherfucker. He was scrambling before the pocket even had a chance to be formed in some cases. Garcia has the reputation of being a good passer on the run, but it wouldn't kill him to stand in the pocket for an extra second or so and see what develops. A couple times he ran right into defenders when staying still would have served him better. The stats sheet says 11 QB hurries, but that's overstated. Garcia hurried himself.

I think the last paragraph makes it sound like I'm letting the offensive line off for the crappy protection. No, they sucked nine kinds of balls. Donald Penn was the only exception. The Giants got constant pressure up the middle and no one was up to the task of stopping them. Arron Sears looked weak, Davin Joseph looked slow and John Wade should go into the Witness Protection Program before Garcia figures out where he lives. If Wade makes it to training camp with the Bucs next year, I will be shocked.

Despite being an undrafted backup who almost didn't make the team, Penn has performed pretty well. It wasn't anything he did that made Garcia run around like that and he kept Osi Umenyiora from getting too far in the backfield.

Jon Gruden called one of his worst games of the season and AGAIN it's against the Giants. What is it about this team that turns Gruden retarded for a week? The touchdown drive in the first quarter had seven runs and three passes. Remember, the Giants defensive line was still fresh then and they had some excellent success. Then for the rest of the first half, he forgot Earnest Graham was there. In the second half, the first Bucs drive was all Graham for 43 yards. The one time Garcia launches it... intercepted. Of course, down 24-7 in the fourth he has to abandon the run, but why didn't Gruden call more runs in the second quarter?

I guess Joey Galloway was hurt because he only touched the ball twice and his route running was miserable. The Giants surely knew that and wound up not really respecting him as the game went on. Seems like it would have been a good idea to just take him out of the game and put someone in there who has good hands and runs good routes. Jerramy Stevens, maybe?

Speaking of Galloway, how about trying to break up that pass that was so obviously coming to the wrong side? That interception didn't have to happen.

To be fair, New York's defensive line is pretty damn great. Even their backups come in and perform right away. Dave Tollefson made an immediate impression when Michael Strahan