May 9, 2008

Tony Dungy Really Hates The Patriots

One of the things I have enjoyed about Tony Dungy this past year is how he takes any available opportunity to dig the Patriots about their whole signal-stealing scandal. Sometimes it's sarcastic, sometimes it's serious, sometimes it's funny, but it's always on the tip of his tongue, ready to again poke at Bill Belichick's scab like Bart Simpson ("Ow! Quit it.")

For example, Dungy was in Tampa speaking to some high school kids about his book. One student asked him if anything happened last season that he wished he could have put in the book. What oh what could it have been?

"We talk about how important it is to do things the right way and have integrity so that when you do win, people can never ask that question," he said. "That's the great thing that I'm happy about with our team.

"Yes, we won. But no one is really going to ask, 'Did they cheat? Did they do things the right way?' I think our record speaks for itself and if you're a true champion, that's the way you'd like it to be."

Dungy may lament not being able to put that chapter in his book, but he'll have another chance to devote some ink to it soon enough.

Sales have topped 900,000 and co-author Nathan Whitaker said there might be a sequel on the way.

Yeah, "might". The book was wildly popular, exceeded all expectations and sold tons of copies, the author is on the verge of retirement from his day job and he'll have nothing but time on his hands to devote to preaching and ministering. And even without all those factors, you know he'd put another book out just to get the Patriots off his chest.

I still haven't read Dungy's book. I keep meaning to, but I feel like I'm just going to get preached at when I do. I live in Georgia, so if I'm really in the mood for a sermon, they're not hard to find and it will only take an hour to get through as opposed to reading Dungy's book, which will take days. Don't judge me. Why can't publishers just spell out the big words phonetically?

I am, however, just finishing up the Vince Lombardi biography, "When Pride Still Mattered". As opposed to Dungy's quiet strength, this is all about loud, boisterous, angry strength, which I have to believe makes for much more interesting reading. I recommend it.

Posted by Scott at 8:46 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: bill belichick, tony dungy, vince lombardi

May 8, 2008

The Bucs Need To Sign Adam Archuleta Today

Look, I'm not saying that the Buccaneers need Adam Archuleta on their team. I'm not even advocating keeping him around when the roster is cut to 53. The Bucs have enough safeties and they're all better than Archuleta. But his wife is August 2001 Playmate of the Month Jennifer Walcott.

See, signing Archuleta will inevitably lead to the occasional mention of Jennifer, which means I'll have to go hunting for pictures of her to post here, which makes everyone who is reading this a winner. And do you know the kinds of pictures out there of Playmates? Good ones. If I just go posting photos of Jennifer for no good reason, then I'm a hack who is trying anything to get you to read. But if Archuleta is on the team, I can post the same pictures and be considered relevant! The Jeff Garcia thing has worked out pretty well so far, right? So join me in the campaign for the Bucs to sign Archuleta through training camp and let's spend the summer enjoying ourselves with gratuitous bikini pics and intensive stretching.

Posted by Scott at 12:01 PM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: adam archuleta, jennifer walcott, things i am wishing for

John Lynch Has A Chip On His Shoulder

Sorry for all the stories about former Bucs. The current ones aren't doing anything interesting, though. I promise my next irrelevant post will at least have some tits in it.

For the first time in a long time, John Lynch feels like he has something to prove. Mostly because some of his teammates think he should have retired this year and make way for some younger guys.

"I think there's a split among the staff," Lynch said Wednesday after recognizing the academic, athletic and community achievements of young student leaders at his "Salute the Stars" program's annual banquet. "Some were happy for me to come back and some didn't say anything -- which tells you something."

Lynch believes coach Mike Shanahan is in his corner, "but there were some people who probably felt they were better without me" or, more succinctly, that he had become a "situational player."

In an effort to keep his job and also to beat the shit out of anyone who doubts him, Lynch is working out in some fashion three times a day, seven days a week. Hasn't anyone told him about the magic of steroids? Here's some of what he does:

John Lynch has worked with former Marine Pete Egoscue as his trainer for more than 20 years and they've resumed their partnership this offseason. Core fitness and postural alignment are chief principles toward delivering total-body health under Egoscue's regimen. Among the items on Lynch's to-do list:

* Daily workouts at 5 a.m., 11 a.m. and after dinner.

* A varied approach to fitness, including items such as bear crawls on the beach, running hills, yoga, intensive stretching, obstacle course and barefoot drops in the sand.

* More pull-ups than perhaps he has done in his basement, Rocky-style.

I didn't even know there was a 5 a.m., and that's when Lynch has already woken up, brushed his teeth, had some kind of nourishment and started working out? Wow, that's impressive. In fact, that whole list looks like it's got... wait a second.

"Intensive stretching"? What the fuck is intensive stretching? British Catholics in the sixteenth century were subjected to intensive stretching. I don't think whatever Lynch is doing qualifies. Unless it's a new euphemism for masturbation that I'm not aware of. In which case, it's brilliant. I wish I'd thought of it when my parents were knocking on the bathroom door wondering what was taking me so long. "I'm just doing some intensive stretching! Repeatedly!"

Posted by Scott at 10:17 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: broncos, john lynch

Shaun King Is Happy But Not Really

The Tribune did a brief interview with Shaun King and it's exactly as exciting as it sounds. King is currently doing color commentary for Arena League games and he's not bitter at all about the way his football career turned out.

Well, I mean it's one of those things that sometimes in life you give everything you have to something and you don't necessarily get back what you feel like you deserve from it.

I would like to quote Denis Leary here: "Life sucks, get a fucking helmet." Oh wait, that quote doesn't really work for King.

Actually, it's hard to rip King for his football since his career passer rating is better than two of the quarterbacks currently on the roster (Bruce Gradkowski and Chris Simms) and only slightly worse than two of the others (Luke McCown and Brian Griese). A decent running game and an unbelievable defense make his numbers during his first couple years look better than they really are, but he did make his share of plays. But it seems like after that Pittsburgh game in 2002, he just lost whatever he might have been able to give to a team. Even Tony Dungy couldn't find a spot for him on the Colts roster.

Which leads me to another weird point. Dungy's track record with former Buccaneers really sucks. King, Joe Hamilton, Anthony McFarland, Simeon Rice... they all came into Indianapolis and fell right on their faces, except for McFarland who did actually play for half a year before spending another season on IR. It makes you wonder how Rod Marinelli will do with all his old Bucs in Detroit. If Brian Kelly, Dwight Smith, Dewayne White and Chartric Darby contribute in any meaningful way for the Lions this year, Marinelli will be doing significantly better with his former Bucs than Dungy ever did. I don't know if this makes Marinelli a better coach or not, but it does indicate something.

Wait, where was I going with this? Oh, right, King.

So if the opportunity presents itself to go to the NFL I would surely go, but I'm content.

It's funny because I was just thinking the same thing about myself. I'm ok where I am, but yes, if an NFL team did call me in to play, I would surely go also. Me and King have a lot in common, except I wasn't cut by the two worst teams in the NFL and an AFL team inside of two years.

Huh, I guess it's not as hard to rip him as I thought.

Posted by Scott at 8:58 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: buccaneer history, rod marinelli, shaun king, tony dungy

Justin Case He Forgot

I was contacted pretty promptly by the first place winner of the draft contest and he should have his prize by now. However, the second place winner is still MIA. So, "Justin", you have one week from right now to contact me with your street address so I can send you a $25 Bucgear.com gift card. After that, I'm moving to the next runner-up. It's kind of like when Miss America gets busted for posing in a skin rag and has to give up her crown to the next chick down the line. Except my contest was infinitely more meaningful than the Miss America pageant.

Posted by Scott at 8:30 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: draft talk

May 7, 2008

Joe Hamilton Got Drunk And Rear Ended A Dude

I remember when Rich McKay drafted Joe Hamilton out of Georgia Tech in the seventh round of the 2000 draft; I thought he would be the biggest steal of the year. I had followed him at Tech and saw him make plays that made everyone else look like they were running on ice. He didn't get much of a chance behind Brad Johnson, and when he was allocated to the Frankfurt Galaxy, he torn his ACL. I followed him to the Colts and through the AFL, and then heard just a couple days ago that Tech had re-hired him in their personnel department. Not what he wanted out of his career, but at least he was still in football and working for the school he loves.

Then he slammed into the back of a car stopped at a red light while he was drunk and high and then took off.

The officer smelled alcohol on Hamilton, who acknowledged he hit another car from behind, according to the police report. Hamilton failed a series of field sobriety tests, and the officer reported that he found the open bottle of beer and a marijuana cigarette in the vehicle's ash tray.

Hamilton recorded blood-alcohol contents of 0.193 and 0.199 in two tests, according to the police report. The legal limit in Georgia is 0.08.

Ok, so maybe he's not the steal of the 2000 draft. I guess you could make an argument that Tom Brady turned out a little better than Hamilton. I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong. If you've got $3,500 you can loan him, you can bail Hamilton out of the Fulton County Jail. But take a different route home than him because he'll totally run you over.

Posted by Scott at 1:53 PM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: buccaneer history, dee wee, hello officer, joe hamilton

Buccaneer Cheerleaders Go Down Under

... my pants! No, not really. That headline would have read "Buccaneer Cheerleaders Exhausted And In Need Of Electrolytes" and would have been followed by about a billion emoticon smilies. Or, you know, at least a headline that didn't indicate the looks of simultaneous amusement and disappointment on the cheerleaders' faces. I do have a reputation to uphold, after all.

No, the truth is that the Bucs cheerleading squad went to visit American troops in the battle-ravaged, umm, Australia. The video is a little confusing and, not surprisingly, short on details, although they do reveal that they're in the town of Alice Springs. I looked it up and it seems that Pine Gap in the Northern Territory, just a few miles from Alice Springs, is where the Joint Defence Space Research Facility is located, housing about 900 or so US government personnel. I sat here wondering why, of all the US military installations in the world, the cheerleaders would be sent to this one. Then I read who those personnel are.

U.S. government personnel at Pine Gap are believed to be mostly from the National Security Agency and subordinate service-associated agencies, and the Central Intelligence Agency.

So it's obvious that the NSA and the CIA were able to put their differences aside long enough to fly some hot American ass 8,000 miles across the Pacific to visit them. If anyone can get it done, it's those guys. At this base, it looks like their primary job is to steal satellite signals and codebreak, although the word "missile" appears more than once in the Wikipedia description. So, yeah, these are guys you want to keep happy. Are you sure you only need one squad? Take the Eagles cheerleaders, too, guys. They're patriotic and freaky.

The cheerleaders didn't spend all their time there on offical duty. They had time to see kangaroos, wallabies, dingos, and take in some national landmarks.

We're in Darling Harbour, and for all the MTV fans, this is where they shot Real World. So we're all freaking out; we love the show. So, here's the house they stayed in.

The video itself is disappointingly light on the sexy. They have, like, clothes on and stuff. Although during their variety show for the military, they were all dressed in fatigues from the waist up and tiny shorts on the bottom half. Then they all dropped and did a couple pushups in those outfits. Seriously.

So there's that. It's an interesting video to watch once, but probably not one you'll go back to regularly when everyone else is out. Unless you're into sleeping kangaroos. Weirdo.

Posted by Scott at 9:41 AM | Comments (0)
Tags for this article: cheerleaders

May 6, 2008

Bucs Sign More Camp Meat

The Buccaneers signed four of their tryout players from last weekend to free agent contracts.

Amarri Jackson (WR, South Florida)
Chris Bradwell (DT, Troy)
John Rochford (C, Miami)
Clifton Smith (RB, Fresno)

The focus of the article is Jackson, who has been getting a lot of attention on Buccaneer message boards because he's a USF product. He's also the only one I've heard of. Of course, when you change colleges every year, you're probably not going to get a lot of recognition.

Bradwell's path to the NFL has taken him through Hargrave Military Academy, Florida State, Northeast Mississippi Community College and Troy.

Unless Bradwell absolutely unleashes some talent that no one knew he had before, he really doesn't have a shot. Rochford will probably compete with Andrew Economos for the designated long-snapper position. Smith will have to prove he's better than seventh round pick Cory Boyd in order to make it past the first round of cuts. The fact that Boyd was injured and unable to participate in the last day of minicamp may have had a part in the decision to sign Smith.

Posted by Scott at 8:27 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: amarri jackson, camp meat, chris bradwell, clifton smith, john rochford

May 5, 2008

Making Up Facts For Fun And Profit

Roy Cummings speculates on the reasons why Jon Gruden hates Chris Simms:

For reasons that aren't completely clear, Gruden has little or no use for Simms. Maybe it's Simms' lack of mobility or the fact he's left-handed, which forces Gruden to flip-flop his offense whenever Simms is in the lineup.

Or maybe it's the fact Gruden was never really on board with the Rich McKay-generated decision to draft Simms. It doesn't matter, really. The facts are the facts, and it's time for the internal squabble about Simms to end.

Or, you know, it could be that Simms is 12/17 TD/INT for his career with his most recent action producing one touchdown to seven interceptions. Or it could be the nine balls batted at the line of scrimmage in 2006. Or it could be that every time he gets a shot to start, he gets injured. I don't think the reasons are unclear.

And yes, it has been an internal squabble that has kept Simms in Tampa and thus in limbo. Do you really think it was Gruden and General Manager Bruce Allen who decided to keep Simms around as an injured fourth quarterback last year?

That call came from above, from a family of owners that seldom gets involved in the on-field management of their team. In this case, though, the Glazers saw Simms as an asset they feared they would take a huge loss on if he was let go.

You know what this part of the story could use? A source; possibly a quote. That might lend some credibility to the idea that the Glazers, who never take an active role in the management of the team, decided that a third-string quarterback is the player worth breaking their silence over. They kept quiet and took the PR hit when it came time to part ways with John Lynch and Warren Sapp, but the quarterback who has still not started a season's worth of games needs to be retained at all costs? Cite a source for this information, Cummings!

Oh God, I really want to be a reporter. It just seems so fucking easy. I could just make shit up that I think happened, and print it like it's fact. It's just like I do now, except it would be legitimized because I would be writing for an established publication and I'd be getting paid an actual salary! Real sportswriters are taking all kinds of shots at bloggers these days for being dogmatic and petty. When are they going to expose the members of their own clan to the same scrutiny?

Last night I watched the first Bucs/Panthers game from 2006 again. It's Simms's last game where he ruptures his spleen and continues playing through it even though he can hardly get his breath and he's in obvious pain. Simms really took a lot of punishment during that game, most of which can be laid at the feet of his offensive line which failed to protect him adequately all day. Some more of the blame can be shouldered by Gruden who, for some reason I still don't quite understand, rolled Simms out on a bootleg in the fourth quarter only to get leveled by Al Wallace. Both Simms and Wallace were horizontal in mid-air when Simms released the ball and completed a pass to Mike Alstott, making for one of the best courage-under-fire moments I've seen. My point here is that I've been a Simms fan and I appreciate his talents and his grit. That said, I also understand why Gruden is done with him.

After five years, you expect a third round quarterback to have produced something, especially when the competition has been as weak as it has. Maybe if Edell Shepherd catches that perfectly thrown ball in the endzone a few years ago, we're not having this conversation. But you can't bank the future of your team on what-ifs and speculation. You need facts, and the facts are that Simms has not been a good and reliable quarterback, regardless of his athleticism or how likable he is. And, look, I'll even link to an official source for my facts.

Posted by Scott at 11:40 AM | Comments (9)
Tags for this article: bruce allen, chris simms, jon gruden, someone actually paid this person to write this shit, tampa media

Florida Is Hot

I'll bet when Dre Moore was drafted by the Buccaneers, he thought about how cool it will be to live in Florida with the sun and the beaches and the chicks in bikinis. Florida's Department of Tourism and Recreation doesn't usually put the ten million percent humidity on their brochures. So the 300 pound guy whose job it was to run around and hit things all weekend got a little tired.

"He's 6-foot-4, about 315 and he's running a 4.85," [Monte] Kiffin said. "But it's hot down here and he has to get in better shape. That happens to all these guys when they come down here. That's what is nice about having rookie mini-camp. They go back home and realize that as hot as it is, it's going to be hotter. This is cool."

I'm psyched about the guy. Aside from his stamina, he performed very well all weekend long and the coaches all seem to agree that he has the physical ability to be a fixture at under tackle.

"He really flashed some things out here that are uncommon for a big man," [Larry] Coyer said. "He's very quick. He really has a chance, and he has the skills."

He'll have to compete with Jovan Haye and, depending on how many defensive ends the team keeps, possibly Kevin Carter as well. But he'll be given every opportunity to at least be part of the rotation and maybe by midseason see some real playing time.

Posted by Scott at 9:30 AM | Comments (1)
Tags for this article: dre moore