REAR ENTRIES: All Martin All The Time
November 09, 2012 at 12:32am by Scott • 5 Comments »
MARTIN GETS POTW: I don’t think there was much doubt, but Doug Martin was named the NFC’s Player of the Week last week for his performance against the Raiders. Expect another one of those this season. The award comes with a plaque, a ham, and exclusive use of the peephole into the cheerleaders’ locker room. A step stool will be provided for Martin so he can use it.
MUSCLE HAMSTER: Martin’s “Muscle Hamster” nickname is a really, really bad nickname. And yet, somehow, I still like it better than the standard abbreviation bullshit like “D. Mart” or “D.M.” because it’s at least original and I’m pretty sure he didn’t give it to himself. You have to earn a nickname or at least be given it early in life, which is why this suggestion box for Martin’s new nickname is just as dumb. Gary Shelton did a whole article on Martin’s nickname and gave some suggestions of his own. Go ahead and guess if they all sucked.
Skid Marks Martin?
Doug E. Fresh is already a person and is known as the Human Beatbox (a nickname he EARNED, by the way). The D-Train is too much like the A-Train. And if anyone calls Martin “Skid Marks”, Martin should punch them in the fucking teeth. That’s just awful.
The Martin Chronicles.
“Rollin’” is a bad nickname when the rest of your team is being busted for pot. “Swoosh” would be okay if Nike paid him to call himself that. And “The Martin Chronicles” would be brilliant if only he was an English teacher and not a football player. So close.
Deacon, Too Tall, White Shoes, Mean Joe, Sweetness… these are nicknames. But for now, do you know what I call the Buccaneer running back getting 200+ yards per game? Sir. I call him sir.
JOSH FREEMAN IS A GOOD FRIEND: And just because he knows Martin hates the nickname, Josh Freeman makes sure to rub it in.
“I wouldn’t say that,” Freeman said smiling. “I would say that I have a number of close friends and family members who somehow dig up these awesome muscle hamster pictures on the internet and they send them to me and I just so happen to show them to Doug.”
Yes, quite a funny joke. “Hey Josh, did you see how I just whiffed on that blitz pickup? Wasn’t that funny?”
Freeman calls him Dougie Fresh, by the way. Which is why he should stick to throwing the ball.