Lord, Please Smite John Abraham’s Thigh
December 12, 2008 at 10:53am by Scott • 1 Comment »
There’s a nice karmic sense of balance taking place in the training rooms of the NFC South right now. The same week that Jeff Garcia is listed as questionable for the Atlanta game with a calf injury, John Abraham has also missed two days of practice with a thigh problem.
In addition to the shoulder injury that has lingered for Abraham, he was listed on the injury report with a thigh injury.
Obviously, the Lord wants to see a good game and knows that putting Luke McCown in the pocket against Abraham’s blindside rush would be tantamount to a death sentence. But Garcia’s leg doesn’t sound like it’s getting any better and Abraham has been on fire this year. So, Bucstats readers, won’t you join me in a little prayer?
Lord, it’s us, the Buccaneer faithful. First, we’d like to give thanks for a 9-4 season so far. We’re not exactly sure why you saw fit to give DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart their own personal force fields Monday night, but we’re sure you had your reasons. It was probably something Ronde said, right?
And we’d also like to thank you for the Detroit Lions, who are three games away from lifting the burden of being the worst team in NFL history from the Buccaneers. Bestowing Matt Millen on Detroit was a stroke of divine genius that not only shows us your ultimate wisdom, but that even you love a good train wreck. But now, we need your help once more.
For some reason, you have decided to cripple Jeff Garcia’s feminine and bird-like legs yet again. Maybe you thought he was becoming too prideful of his legs. He was always jumping around in the pocket even when there was no pass rush, almost flaunting his gift of elusiveness in front of the world. So we get that he might have had to get taken down a peg. But now your almost-creepily-loyal disciple, Luke McCown, is in danger of taking the field in Atlanta, and we know you have plans for using him in the future. We appreciate the steps you have already taken to perpetuate balance in the game by injuring John Abraham’s thigh, and are grateful you didn’t let the fact that he is named after two of your favorite dudes sway you. But Abraham has been known to play through pain before and this is a very important game. So, please Lord, we humbly ask that you smite John Abraham’s thigh.
Really get in there and twist some shit around. Make those muscle fibers look like a plate of spaghetti. Or you could even have your servant Plaxico Burress pay him a fully-armed visit. In the interest of good sportsmanship and fairness, we think it’s the right thing to do. It’s not like we’re asking for a swarm of locusts to engulf and devour him. Please save that for Drew Rosenhaus. Amen.