Josh Freeman

Fennelly Wants You Off His Lawn

April 15, 2010 at 01:32pm by Scott   •  2 Comments »

For years I’ve picked on Martin Fennelly for being a talentless hack who has written hundreds of thousands of words about absolutely nothing. Now it turns out that I may have been in the wrong and that Fennelly is actually a senile old man who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing and craps his pants a lot. I can’t think of another explanation for an entire article in the Tribune that wonders why kids these days are so fond of the Twitter. He followed Gerald McCoy‘s Twitter stream and came away bitter and sarcastic, not that most people could tell the difference.

Just finished reading former Oklahoma defensive tackle Gerald McCoy’s Twitter dispatches from his visit to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

He apparently had tonsillitis.

That alone makes it one of the most newsworthy tweets in human history, actual hard information.

Because an informal avenue for opinion and mindless rambling has no place in a civilized society. That’s what a major newspaper is for.

For Bucs fans wanting to know everything about a man who could possibly be their next star draft pick, McCoy was a gold mine.

Just check out some of his dispatches:

“Just landed in Tampa walking to baggage claim.”

And:

“Headed to the Tampa Bay facility.”

Of all people who could appreciate a format that only allowed for a few words per sentence, I would think it was Fennelly. Christ, you have to read some of his articles vertically like Chinese in order for them to make any sense.

That reminds me.

I know technically that’s a complete sentence, but now you’re just teasing me, Martin. You can’t possibly be blind to the irony of writing an article on the lack of substance on Twitter using sentences that have no substance.

I’d like to introduce a new segment. It’s called “Great Tweets in History” and takes us through the ages on a journey of What Might Have Been if the magic of Twitter accounts.

Oh my god! What a totally original idea! You should definitely copyright that idea before someone else uses it. You could even write a book!

We’ll have more great Twitters from history in the next installment. And now back to Gerald McCoy’s visit. Actually, now back to ESPN and Jon Gruden‘s bull sessions with prospective pro quarterbacks like Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow.

I guess this is why Fennelly writes in choppy, five-word sentences. When he writes longer ones, he covers three separate and unrelated topics. Which comes back to my theory that Fennelly is the real-life version of Abe Simpson. Not only is he afraid of anything new, he tells meandering stories that last an hour and yet still don’t convey any information or have a point. The important thing was that he had an onion tied to his belt, which was the style at the time.

2 Comments to “Fennelly Wants You Off His Lawn”

Slow Joe

Slow Joe (April 15, 2010 at 03:14pm:

Christ, you have to read some of his articles vertically like Chinese in order for them to make any sense.

I love you, Scott.

In the totally hetero way, of course.

Louie

Louie (April 16, 2010 at 01:07am:

Hell, Fennelly should love Twitter — he’s never written a paragraph greater than 140 characters!

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