Josh Freeman

Posts Tagged ‘cheerleaders’

Tired Of The Draft Yet?

May 02, 2011 at 01:50pm by Scott   •  1 Comment »

Lauren Spires
Okay, have we had enough of analyzing these just-out-of-college boys yet? Because other, arguably more important stuff was happening at One Buc over the weekend. The second phase in what can only be described as a wonderfully agonizingly long cheerleader tryout process took place on Sunday, with over 200 girls traveling from all over the country to try to impress the judges. The first phase was a series of workouts last month where chicks stretched and ran and bounced but didn’t seem like they were in direct competition with each other. This time, they danced on stage for a few seconds while terrible house music played over the house audio system while onlookers glared and judged them. Kind of like strippers, but without the indignity of people throwing nickels at them (don’t you judge me — we all have to make sacrifices in this economy).

There wasn’t much time to impress the judges – just a few seconds of pulsing dance music and spinning steps for nearly 200 women who want to be cheerleaders for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this season – even if there isn’t actually a season.

Out of the 200 women who tried out today, 100 will find out by Monday if they will move on to the next round of competition, on Saturday.

They’ll join about 20 members of last year’s squad and about 30 from practice and conditioning sessions asked to come Saturday.

The final auditions will be May 12.

Normally, the entire process is handled over a weekend with 500+ girls showing up Saturday morning and all but 34 of them eliminated by Sunday afternoon. I have to say, though, there is something nice about being able to take your time and enjoying the entirety of the process. Drag it out a little bit. What’s your hurry, baby?

Wait, where was I? Oh, right. Most of the pictures and the cheerleader comments came from Lauren Spires, who you may remember from the “Making the Squad” series as the cute girl who just had a baby. She was on the squad for 2003, 2005 and 2006 and is back after a five year layoff, and evidently some implants.

Before:
Lauren circa 2006

After:
Lauren circa yesterday

Bonus:
Lauren Spires does her Emma Peel impression

The photo gallery by the Tribune isn’t that good, and I don’t know why no one will take my advice and mount cameras that point straight up on their dancing marks on the floor. It seems like common sense. Otherwise you get shit like this:

Cheerleader tryouts

Don’t make me say it. Here’s another one:

Tryouts Asia Thompson and Kristin Thistle

#32 is Asia Thompson and I don’t care if she dances like an epileptic, she wins. #31 is Kristin Thistle and in this photo she looks so much like Molly Shannon it’s disturbing. I can’t get turned on because I expect her to shove her fingers into her armpits any second. I couldn’t watch that bit on SNL… so gross.

So by the middle of the month, we should know who our latest squad of cheerleaders is and who will go home and double-fist Ben & Jerry’s. I’ll do my best to compile an entry of all the girls for your leering pleasure. In the meantime, contact all the local papers and tell them you insist on minute-by-minute coverage of these tryouts with HD video and also that night-vision stuff that sees through clothing.

Cheerleaders Still Performing

March 11, 2011 at 09:22am by Scott   •  No Comments »

So I guess ESPN The Weekend is a thing. Some current and former athletes convene at Disney for a couple days to shake hands with fans, play with kids and collect appearance fees. One guy who isn’t on the list of official guests, which makes me think he showed up out of the goodness of his heart, is Mike Alstott. Why? Because he’s fucking awesome, that’s why.

There is no worse job on earth than big-head costume performer.

I’d take an unretired Alstott over Tiki Barber any day of the week. But that will never happen because Alstott has pride and knows when it’s time to hang them up. Seriously, Tiki, fake a slipped disc before it gets ugly and we can all pretend this never happened.

The Buccaneers Cheerleaders were also in attendance, for some reason being forced to dance to “Take Me Out To The Ball Game”. Totally inappropriate, especially the boy band version they were rocking in the above video. Any cheerleader routine that doesn’t include “Girls Girls Girls” by Motley Crue is really missing out.

The good news is that the cheerleaders never unionized, so if football really does come to an end, they will be the only form of entertainment the Glazers have to sell for a while. And they’ll probably start getting desperate for income after a month or so and really push the envelope with them. They’ll probably start slow — maybe having them do the same dance routines, but with a pole in the middle of the stage, just to get them used to it. Then they’ll replace all the clasps and buttons on their uniforms with used Velcro. Oops! Wardrobe malfunction! Next, hand out Super Soakers to the audience. Hell, by the time we run this to its obvious conclusion, the Glazers won’t give a shit if the players come back or not.

Tiffany Is At The Pro Bowl

January 28, 2011 at 09:57am by Scott   •  No Comments »

Tiffany Jimenez
If those shorts were any shorter, they would legally have to be classified as a belt.

Tiffany Is Going To The Pro Bowl

January 13, 2011 at 01:39pm by Scott   •  No Comments »

Tiffany Jimenez
Due to my Christmas flirtation with death, I missed a lot of Buccaneer-related stories toward the end of December, but none of them more vital than this. Tiffany Jimenez, prior to her forced carousel at the end of the season, will be going to the Pro Bowl representing the Buccaneers. It’s an appropriate way to send off a Bucstats favorite who is criminally being forced from the squad since they decided to impose this five-year maximum tenure because Heaven forbid some of your chicks look like they aren’t the subject of an AMBER alert.

I’m sorry. That was out of hurt. It was also a bit of a mixed message since Tiffany actually joined the squad when she was still 17 and in high school and I personally didn’t give a shit back then which old used-up bag of a woman had to be bumped off to make room for her. The point is that Tiffany is still only 22 now (which you would know if you’ve been paying attention even though her page on the Bucs’ site doesn’t list her age because that would probably be a bit weird and stalkery), is a great representative for the team, a professional dancer and, you know, hot. Every year, the Bucs get about 300-400 new chicks to try out for the squad, so it’s not like there won’t be several herds of new ass to choose from, but Tiffany was special and kind of came along as this site did, so it’s a shame to see her go. Click on the tag link for her name to see all the pictures of here we’ve accumulated over the years. And then spank yourself raw and bloody. It’s all about closure.

REAR ENTRIES: Just Do It

January 12, 2011 at 03:31pm by Scott   •  2 Comments »

Rear Entry 59
THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN: I’ve gotten a couple emails and at least one comment mentioning that the Chiefs are looking at Greg Olson to replace Charlie Weis as offensive coordinator. It’s not actually a report, it’s just speculation from a Chiefs fan site who took something Jeff Chadiha said and ran too far with it.

Jeff Chadiha of ESPN.com has an extensive story on Chiefs head coach Todd Haley and included this nugget, perhaps as a clue to where the Chiefs might look next for Charlie Weis’ replacement:

Weis’ impending departure (before turning his attention to Florida, he has agreed to stay throughout the Chiefs’ playoff run) has created questions about Haley’s ability to co-exist with his coordinators. Still, a team source said Haley hired Weis only after being denied a chance to interview Tampa Bay offensive coordinator Greg Olson.

The KC Star’s Adam Teicher also dropped Olson’s name as a possible candidate when news of Weis’ departure first came up. It sounds like Olson may be a name to keep an eye on moving forward.

Just because Olson was a candidate last year doesn’t mean he’ll be one again this year. I also don’t think Olson’s level of bitterness at being blocked for interviews is nearly as high as Rich Bisaccia‘s was because Olson is already an offensive coordinator in the NFL. That’s about as high up the coaching ladder as you can go until you’re offered a head coaching position. We all know Josh Freeman is the franchise and the Glazers aren’t going to do anything to mess with his mojo. I predict Olson and quarterback coach Alex Van Pelt are going to be safe for at least the next year or two. If that means overpaying at keep them in Tampa, I think they’re okay with that.

MEAGAN MAKES TMQ: I stopped reading TMQ a long time ago because the average male life expectancy is 75 years and I don’t want to spend all of it reading Gregg Easterbrook‘s insolent, pompous bullshit. I didn’t think it was possible to actually, audibly hear attitude out of a written article, but every time I read his column, I can’t help but do it in Mr. Howell’s voice even though it’s against my will. But I stumbled across his column from yesterday and Meagan Pravden is his cheerleader of the week. The implication here, though, is that she’s not his cheerleader of the week every week, and that’s a fucking crime. Conclusion: Easterbrook is gay.

But I do like what he said about Andrew Luck:

Barring injury, there are many millions of dollars in Luck’s future no matter when he turns pro — but he will never again have the chance to enjoy the idyllic college life at one of the world’s leading universities.

I think I should feel scared.

SIMMS CASE DRAGS ON: This still?

Tennessee Titans backup quarterback Chris Simms can’t keep the admissions police say he made about smoking marijuana from being used in his drugged-driving case, a judge ruled Tuesday.

Simms’ statements were obtained legally, and police were justified in stopping and arresting him early on July 1, Manhattan state Supreme Court Justice Charles Solomon ruled.

It’s POT. What the fuck is he scared of? If he had just plead guilty, he would have gotten some weak-ass slap on the wrist, the NFL would have suspended him for a couple games that he wasn’t going to play in anyway, and no one would have remembered a week later. Now that he’s fighting it, this story is going to be in the paper every time there’s a tiny piece of news to report and fun shit like this will keep coming out:

Simms told the officer he’d been “smoking marijuana in the car earlier,” taking four puffs, but there wasn’t any left, according to a court document. He remained “very out of it” after his arrest, falling asleep on a police station holding-cell floor and having to be roused by a fellow detainee to take an alcohol-level test, according to the officer’s testimony.

So either Simms was stoned out of his blond brain and essentially passed out at the police station, or being arrested is such a non-event for Simms that he feels completely comfortable falling asleep next to drug addicts while waiting around in jail. I’m taking bets right now on which community college Simms will be the quarterbacks coach for two years from now.

What Happened To Nina?

January 07, 2011 at 11:44am by Scott   •  2 Comments »

Nina Stauffer
I guess I don’t review the Buccaneers’ cheerleader page often enough, probably because I have all their faces tattooed on me and only need to look down to visit them, but I did today and it looks like Nina Stauffer is no longer on the squad. They’re still using her image to sell the calendar on the cheerleader page, although I guess they can’t print up new covers at this point. I don’t see her in what is presumably a full squad shot in this collection from the Panthers home game, but I think this is her (third from the left) at the Rams game (it really is hard to tell sometimes — we beautiful people tend to blend together into one big rainbow.) Now she’s just… gone.

Where’d Nina go? If anyone has a clue, let me know. Until I hear otherwise, I’m going to assume that, as an angel, she finally transformed into pure light.

Tiffany Is Somewhat Attractive

October 19, 2010 at 01:25pm by Scott   •  2 Comments »

Tiffany Jimenez
When I heard that Tiffany Jimenez was Esquire Magazine’s Monday Morning Cheerleader this week, I was completely shocked. Esquire Magazine still exists? Wow, I had no idea.

But there she is, talking about Sunday’s loss to the Saints, Raheem Morris, Saints fans, blackouts, and so on. For example:

ESQ: What was the biggest issue for the team yesterday?

TIF: It just felt like every time I turned around, a yellow flag was in the air. There was so much fighting, I asked one of the other girls, “Are we at a UFC match right now?” Also, the Saints tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits…

Sorry, I guess that’s how I read it rather than what she actually said. But you get the point. We also learn that she dislikes bandwagon fans, has never seen snow and thinks that “if you have anger, let it out on the field”. Which is all well and good, but where was she with this information when I was letting my anger out on a group of Japanese tourists at the High Museum last week? Let me tell you, they may not all know karate, but they can swing the shit out of a camera. If Tiffany is going to dispense this advice, she really needs to be more timely with it.

Oh, also, back during the draft I guess Esquire also did a cheerleader/draft tie-in and they used Meagan Pravden as their Buccaneer representative, probably the smartest thing Esquire has done in a decade. Here’s her picture so you don’t have to click on the link to go to Esquire and instantly become 20% less relevant. It’s not the best picture of her, but that’s like saying your flawless five-carat diamond has a fingerprint on it.

Meagan Pravden

All The Cheerleaders You Can Shake Your Stick At

October 08, 2010 at 01:27pm by Scott   •  4 Comments »

Marlana Aref. I'm going to have to find a new cheerleader for avatars -- this Marlana thing may be turning creepy.

A couple days ago, a reader sent me a link to an article about the top five hottest cheerleading squads in the NFL, with the Buccaneers cheerleaders being number one. I can’t find the email now and I’m looking for the article online, but all I can find is one from January and I thought this was more recent. So, sorry dude — feel free to mail me the link again and I’ll add it to this post.

But since I was all geared up (read: visibly aroused) for a cheerleader post, here are some other links to help out. First, the Bucs posted the cheerleader photos from their first two home games: Browns, Steelers. These photos should serve to remind you that cheerleaders are the best people on earth.

Bleacher Report is a decent combination of good writing and borderline sleaze, with a good number of “hottest cheerleader”-type lists from week to week. They did a 50 Hottest Cheerleaders of 2010 thing in August and a few Bucs girls made it in. I’ve already posted all the photos they used on there except this one of Nina Stauffer on a trampoline wearing the standard cheerleader top and something less than the standard cheerleader bottoms. Why are women’s shoes not sold with tiny trampolines in them?

They also did the top five cheerleader calendars last month and the Bucs made it to #3. The Eagles were the top squad. I swear, the Eagles cheerleaders must be the only thing keeping the collective will of the rest of the nation from wishing that entire city into the middle of the Atlantic.

And finally, in case you’re not completely raw yet, here’s a small video piece a few of the Bucs cheerleaders did for the local Tampa Fox affiliate. Enjoy your weekend.

FRIDAY ROUNDUP

September 17, 2010 at 04:33pm by Slow Joe   •  6 Comments »

Honestly, why do they need to learn cheers when they could just stay in this position?

Okay, first off, for those who don’t already know, I’m the captain of this ship for the next week while Scott is on vacation.  For the most part, you shouldn’t notice very many differences, as I think I have a pretty similar sense of humor to our much-loved BucStats blogger.  But since I am a different writer, you may notice some slight changes for the next week.  Just to cite one small example, I won’t be covering the Bucs.  I think it’s about time to enlighten all of you football fans with my favorite pastime: scrapbooking.

Haha!  Just kidding.  I couldn’t give up following the Bucs any more than I could give up boffing all of your moms.  By the way, I didn’t want to call this post a “Rear Entry” because of the clicky expectations associated with that type of piece.  There won’t be any clickys while Scott’s gone because: 1. I have no idea how to post them, and 2. The pics I would want to post would be deemed illegal in at least 16 states.  So, I chose “Roundup” because it kind of describes what I’m doing (aggregating Bucs news) and it’s generic enough that I don’t have to stick to any one point.   Because that sounds like work.

KELLEN WINSLOW HAS BAD KNEES: I just blew your mind, didn’t I?  I mean, this is a stunning, shocking, breaking story.  Who knew that Winslow had knee issues?

This item isn’t so much about Kellen, who hasn’t practiced all week but as far as I know will be fine for Sunday.  It’s basically about what happens on slow news days.  First, Ira Kaufman tweets that Winslow has missed practice again.

For the third consecutive day, Bucs TE Kellen Winslow did not practice. Winslow’s chronic knee problems obviously remain a concern.

Saying that his “knee problem obviously remains a concern” is one of those generic journalist-speak sentences that a reporter just spews without quoting anyone or naming a source; it’s just an assumption Ira made, most likely while he was tweeting from his phone on the shitter.

But it doesn’t end there.  PFT’s Gregg Rosenthal, also looking for a story, sees it and somehow comes up with three whole paragraphs of useless fluff, with the only source being that tweet.

Winslow’s status for Sunday’s game in Carolina is unknown, but it’s a concern that Winslow’s chronic problems prevent him from practicing at all so early in the year.

A concern to who, exactly?  Obviously, the Bucs are concerned about the health of their tight end, but here’s a news flash: the Bucs are concerned about the other 52 fucking players on the roster as well.  Rosenthal’s sentence is also a cheap, mindless assumption to fill up space.

Wait a second…I just realized I’m being a hypocrite.

YASINSKAS SAYS NICE WORDS: I won’t be as hard on journalists as Scott is, mainly because I’m learning first-hand how hard the job is.  (I will agree, however, that Martin Fennelly sucks horribly.  I would actually have to TRY to be horrible to imitate his writing style.)  One of Scott’s whipping boys is ESPN’s Pat Yasinskas, but he actually put together a nice piece about Josh Freeman today.

It’s pretty obvious Freeman has quickly developed chemistry with his receivers. But it goes way beyond the receivers. Freeman has earned the respect of his teammates, who elected him one of the five captains just before the start of the season.

Where the hell have I been?  I didn’t know Freeman was a team captain!  That says a lot, since it’s an honor voted on by the other players.  I guess when you spend all offseason at One Buc studying film and practicing, you get your fellow teammates’ respect.

“The thing that’s stood out most just over the last few months about Josh is that he’s the hardest critic on himself,’’ Stroughter said. “He expects the best and, now, he’s letting other people know he expects the best out of them. If you’re supposed to be somewhere and you’re not, he’s stepping forward and letting you know.’’

In a sign that perhaps he’s seeing the field better or that he is assuming more of a leadership role, Freeman, who might have only changed four calls at the line last season, made a whole bunch of checks in the Cleveland game.

“He kept putting us in position to make plays,’’ Stroughter said.

These are the kinds of quotes that give me a serious full-on robot chubby.  The quoted player is obviously our own Sammie Stroughter.  And, If Freeman has already grasped the offense enough that not only does he know his responsibilities, but also the other players’ responsibilities AND is mastering presnap reads, well, obviously we are talking about a player with a hell of a lot more dedication than a certain purple-clad quarterback up north.  Watching Freeman grow as a QB is going to be a treat over the next few years.

REAR ENTRIES: Random Story Clearinghouse

September 16, 2010 at 10:28am by Scott   •  10 Comments »

Rear Entries 33
“WARREN KNOWS MY NUMBER”: Warren Sapp evidently criticized Tommie Harris on the radio the other day, calling him a “blind dog in a meat house”, which I guess means that… umm… Harris was using his sense of smell to get to the quarterback? I mean, a blind dog in a meat house is still going to eat, right? Okay, I don’t know what the fuck he meant, but Harris didn’t care for it.

I could care less what he says. Looks like he got that job and went out there just to blast football players, not to motivate, so it doesn’t bother me at all.

He didn’t take the job just to blast football players; that’s just a fringe benefit. He took the job because coaches work too many hours and don’t get enough airtime. But if I trust anyone to critique a defensive lineman, it’s Sapp. It would just be nice to know what the hell he was talking about once in a while. The colorful metaphors are nice when telling a story, but if he’s trying to get a point across, maybe he could just, kind of, say it.

TOMOKO IS A CAPTAIN: Here’s a good article on cheerleader Tomoko Kojima, who is in her last year as a cheerleader because she made the brutal mistake of making a reference to something that happened in the 80s and outing herself as over 30. Don’t get me wrong — it’s a great policy. I don’t agree with it when it comes to players, but the minute a cheerleader starts getting the majority of jokes in Modern Family, she’s gone. Anyway, she discusses the process of being selected as a captain.

The club’s process for appointing captaincy was new this year, according to Kojima. While captains were previously designated by the coaches of the squad, a new candidacy system was adopted this spring.

As this was to be her final year as a Bucs cheerleader and it was something she had been willing to do for four years, Kojima quickly raised her hand.

The story kind of peters out there, and it left me wondering what “candidates” had to do to qualify if they aren’t designated by the coaches. Who makes the final decision? Or is it just whoever raises their hand first? That would mean there was an advantage to girls who could move their arms and elbows the fastest, and if any of next year’s cheerleaders would like a trainer for those particular skills, I’ve got an excellent program in mind. It involves my penis and a Shake Weight instruction manual.

LOTS OF POTW NOMINEES: I had never seen the Player of the Week nomination lists before, but there’s a shitload of players on it. Pretty much anyone who dressed for the game and didn’t tie their shoes together got nominated. Three Buccaneers were nominated: Josh Freeman, Ronde Barber and Chris Bryan. A total of 11 players were nominated just for the NFC, just for defense! Getting nominated for this is like getting nominated for an Emmy, the only difference is that when you win a Player of the Week award, it earns you some respect.