Josh Freeman

Posts Tagged ‘get off my lawn’

Did You Know Tiquan Underwood Has Unusual Hair?

October 24, 2012 at 07:38pm by Scott   •  No Comments »

Why, no, I've never heard that House Party joke.
The good news about having a Thursday night game is that there’s not a lot of time between Sunday and Thursday. The bad news is that nothing happens in the days leading up to it that’s worth writing about. I mean, this pop piece about Tiquan Underwood is the only thing that’s even the least bit interesting. Go ahead and guess if they ask him about his hair.

Let’s get this out of the way. You know I have to ask about the hair. How long have you been growing the high-top?

If I were Tiquan, I’d answer every question about my hair with “your mother”. Especially yes or no questions.

I wouldn’t say there’s been one that was really out there, but there is one (comment) that is the most common: How do I get my helmet on? People always ask me that.

Because people, for the most part, are dumb as shit.

Oh, and the iPod question always comes up.

I have this old school playlist on my iPod. And I listen to a lot of artists who were big when I was growing up: 2Pac, (Notorious B.I.G.), Jay-Z, who actually is still doing it. I just like that ’90s era of music. Things were good then. They were speaking about real life and real things.

So this is what it has come to? Jay-Z is old school. Gotcha. I’ll just take my King of Rock cassette and be on my way.

But Tiquan sounds like a genuinely nice guy. He’s got a good attitude about his role on the team, his unfortunate dismissal by New England the day before the Super Bowl, and his aspirations. And to be honest, I think he’s got a higher ceiling than Preston Parker and was the smart choice if the Bucs could only keep one.

REAR ENTRIES: The House Of Rear Entries

July 06, 2011 at 09:08am by Scott   •  3 Comments »

Rear Entry 79

GERALD MCCOY IS LEADING THE LINE: With a void of pretty much anyone else who wants or is qualified for the job, Gerald McCoy has stepped in and taken responsibility for the defensive line.

“Apparently, these guys feel I’m the leader of the d-line room, so I take it upon myself that if the d-line is not running right, it’s something I need to get together. If we can get going, if the d-line can get rolling like we’re supposed to, it will change the whole team, not just the defense.”

Seriously, if he hadn’t stepped in, who else would have been the leader? Greg White? Tim Crowder? One of the rookies? He is literally the only qualified lineman to be the leader. Good thing he wants the job. He mentions Warren Sapp in the article. If he can be that same kind of inspirational, in-your-face guy that also leads with his performance, it will go a LONG way towards making the line dominant again. Good article.

BUCS ON TIKI’S SHORT LIST: And no one gives a shit because Tiki Barber isn’t on the Bucs’ list at all. Cal Tech was on my short list of colleges but somehow that didn’t seem to matter to them when I showed up for classes without having been accepted. This is only a story because there are no other stories right now. Raheem Morris was being polite when he said they “consider everybody” who they think can help the team, but he surely didn’t mean a 36-year old running back. Tiki is literally old enough to be Allen Bradford‘s dad. Not happening.

JOSH JOHNSON DOING GOOD DEEDS: In yet another example of a Buccaneer using the lockout time in a constructive way, Josh Johnson has teamed up with his cousin (cousin?) Marshawn Lynch to open a center for underprivileged youth in the San Francisco Bay area.

According to the Fam 1st Family Foundation, the center will offer free programming to “vulnerable communities” to “promote literacy, athletic training, after-school tutoring,” and will include “art programs, vocational training, a media center, and much more.”

The center should open in Oakland in 2013. They’re going to have to do something to keep Black Hole residents from destroying it, though. Maybe leave a bunch of mannequins with stab wounds around the perimeter so the Raider fans think they’ve already hit it. Just spitballing here; feel free to throw out a better idea.

UPDATED: Signing A Vet QB On The Table Now

August 23, 2010 at 12:49pm by Scott   •  11 Comments »

Carmella Redux
Funny how your franchise quarterback fracturing the thumb on his throwing hand changes your perspective on old, washed up vets, eh?

Coach Raheem Morris acknowledged signing a veteran is a possibility.

“I’m going to sit down with (general manager) Mark Dominik and see if that is what we want to do. See how we’re going to attack it,” Morris said. “We’ll talk about that (today) in our meetings.”

The Bears just signed Todd Collins, who was probably the best unsigned quarterback out there. In the article, John Romano suggests Jeff Garcia might break his contract with the UFL. Re-negging on a UFL contract? Holy shit, that might cost Garcia twenty bucks!

Garcia is 40 and has not thrown a pass in the NFL since his final appearance with the Bucs in 2008, but he is familiar with the philosophies of offensive coordinator Greg Olson and he would never be a threat to a healthy Freeman.

And considering Garcia just signed with the Omaha Nighthawks of the United Football League, you would have to guess he might be willing to come back to the NFL at the minimum veteran’s salary.

It sounds ridiculous. Garcia is a withered old bitter husk of a man and never enters a team without causing some kind of disruption in the quarterback rotation. When he’s 66 years old (which I think happens next February), he’ll still think he can play in the NFL and should be the starter. Josh Freeman could crush Garcia’s head with his left hand and still wing the football 65 yards with his right, but Garcia will still think he should start.

But what are the other options? Damon Huard? Umm… holy shit, I can’t think of anyone else that isn’t signed right now. So then they either have to wait until cuts come around and take someone else’s castoff, who isn’t going to be any better or more experienced than what the Bucs have now, or they have to trade for someone decent — and make sure it’s someone good enough to play well in a pinch, but not good enough to have realistic aspirations of starting. And with this whole “build through the draft” mentality, it’s hard to imagine the Bucs giving up a draft pick for someone they specifically don’t want to start. So, back to Garcia.

Granted, Freeman is the most entrenched quarterback on any team he’s been on in a while, and surely the Bucs would make it absolutely clear that he is here to carry a clipboard and keep his arm warm just in case every other quarterback option falls dead, and that includes any player on the team who ever played quarterback in high school or college. My god, is he really the best option? Look at that picture up there — he’s barely alive, and that was two years ago. Is this what the quarterback pool has been reduced to? Well, at least there’s one silver lining in all this.

UPDATE: It took Mark Dominik about ten minutes to debunk that theory.

The Bucs will probably bring in another QB for now, and it’s likely to be a younger player, not a long-time vet.

It’s not going to be Jevan Snead, right? The Bucs would be better off signing one of those strippers that shoots ping pong balls out of her twat and trying to cram a football up there. I’m guessing it wouldn’t be all that difficult.

Fennelly Wants You Off His Lawn

April 15, 2010 at 01:32pm by Scott   •  2 Comments »

For years I’ve picked on Martin Fennelly for being a talentless hack who has written hundreds of thousands of words about absolutely nothing. Now it turns out that I may have been in the wrong and that Fennelly is actually a senile old man who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing and craps his pants a lot. I can’t think of another explanation for an entire article in the Tribune that wonders why kids these days are so fond of the Twitter. He followed Gerald McCoy‘s Twitter stream and came away bitter and sarcastic, not that most people could tell the difference.

Just finished reading former Oklahoma defensive tackle Gerald McCoy’s Twitter dispatches from his visit to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

He apparently had tonsillitis.

That alone makes it one of the most newsworthy tweets in human history, actual hard information.

Because an informal avenue for opinion and mindless rambling has no place in a civilized society. That’s what a major newspaper is for.

For Bucs fans wanting to know everything about a man who could possibly be their next star draft pick, McCoy was a gold mine.

Just check out some of his dispatches:

“Just landed in Tampa walking to baggage claim.”


“Headed to the Tampa Bay facility.”

Of all people who could appreciate a format that only allowed for a few words per sentence, I would think it was Fennelly. Christ, you have to read some of his articles vertically like Chinese in order for them to make any sense.

That reminds me.

I know technically that’s a complete sentence, but now you’re just teasing me, Martin. You can’t possibly be blind to the irony of writing an article on the lack of substance on Twitter using sentences that have no substance.

I’d like to introduce a new segment. It’s called “Great Tweets in History” and takes us through the ages on a journey of What Might Have Been if the magic of Twitter accounts.

Oh my god! What a totally original idea! You should definitely copyright that idea before someone else uses it. You could even write a book!

We’ll have more great Twitters from history in the next installment. And now back to Gerald McCoy’s visit. Actually, now back to ESPN and Jon Gruden‘s bull sessions with prospective pro quarterbacks like Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow.

I guess this is why Fennelly writes in choppy, five-word sentences. When he writes longer ones, he covers three separate and unrelated topics. Which comes back to my theory that Fennelly is the real-life version of Abe Simpson. Not only is he afraid of anything new, he tells meandering stories that last an hour and yet still don’t convey any information or have a point. The important thing was that he had an onion tied to his belt, which was the style at the time.

Brooks Wants To Play In 2009

December 30, 2008 at 01:46am by Scott   •  3 Comments »

See, Derrick?  Doesn't this look like fun?  Wouldn't you like to do this ALL YEAR LONG?!?  You can, you know.  Just putting it out there.
Derrick Brooks announced today that he intends on playing out his contract in Tampa that is set to expire at the end of the 2009 season.

“I plan on being back unless you know something I don’t.”

So, of course, he’ll play. Brooks is the Brett Favre of Tampa Bay, and as long as he wants to play, there’s going to be a spot on the team for him. The only way I see him not playing next year is if Raheem Morris somehow convinces him to hang them up in the early offseason. But even then, we’d never know about it. He’d just have a press conference and say that he doesn’t think his body can hold up to the pounding of another NFL season and he’s going to retire. God, I hope that happens.

I called for his retirement after the 2006 season because he looked slow and old. Then in 2007, he had a great year and made all of us who thought he was out of gas look like chumps. This year, he started off strong and then faded down the stretch. You can say it was because of injuries or because he’s getting old. Whatever. Chances are he got injured because he’s old and his body can’t bounce back like it used to. If the Tampa 2 is going to continue under Morris, they need a weakside linebacker who can run from sideline to sideline without popping a hammy or getting gassed. I don’t know if the right guy is Cato June or Adam Hayward or someone else that isn’t already on the team. But at one time not too long ago, Brooks was the best WLB in professional football hands down. He’s not anymore, and the Bucs need to find the guy who is because that position is too important in their defensive scheme to leave to a guy who can’t keep up.

But the Bucs will never cut him. Especially not after this season. They don’t have the capital with the fans to make such a move. He has to leave voluntarily, and if he decides he’s staying, we’d all better get ready to watch the defense suffer for it. The team could hide some of his inadequacies by getting consistent pressure on the quarterback, but that’s a complaint for a different time.

Mike Smith Is Old And Crotchety

December 15, 2008 at 11:29am by Scott   •  No Comments »

Mike Smith shows Bryant which finger the doctor used to give him his prostate exam.
You’d think that a guy who has thrown dirty laundry at his own head coach would have just hauled back and clocked an opposing coach who got in his facemask and started shouting at him unprovoked. But Antonio Bryant spared Smith his wrath and just turned the other cheek. Not bad for a malcontent, eh Emmitt?

“Just as long as the man didn’t put his hands on me, I don’t care,” Bryant said, shaking his head. “I don’t recall what [Smith] said. It’s nothing personal. That’s over with, and if he wants to get in my face, that’s great support of a coach looking out for his players. I don’t think he took it as anything more than being a Falcon, just like I’m always going to be a Buc. And I’m not mad at him for that.”

Did you catch that “always going to be a Buc” part? I’m guessing he means this season, but it’s nice to think that he’s developing some loyalty to the Buccaneers. Say, did you know the Bucs have a shitload of cap space right now that they could use to secure Bryant for a while? Just throwing that out there.

Anyway, Smith didn’t give any indication of why he waddled over to Bryant and gave him any lip. The play on the sideline was clean for both players and Bryant looked like he was just going to turn around and leave.

“Antonio was on our sideline, and I just politely asked him to go back over to his sideline,” said Smith, trying to keep his still smoldering tongue from burning the inside of his cheek.

It’s not like he was loitering. Maybe he’s so used to telling punk kids to get off his lawn that he took that attitude to the game. Hey, old man Smith, go fuck yourself.

Brad Johnson Is Old, Experienced

October 24, 2008 at 09:54am by Scott   •  3 Comments »

Brad's towel covers up the onion he has tied to his belt, which was the style at the time.
Most of the pre-game chatter is about how a 40-year old Brad Johnson is going to do against the Buccaneer defense. Did I mention Brad was 40? The Tribune makes an easy AARP joke and the Dallas Morning News is already interviewing Brooks Bollinger to make sure he’s ready to go in case Johnson gets distracted by a Denny’s early bird special or something and leaves the stadium.

For his part, Johnson is treating this like any other game and not giving any kind of sentimental significance to it just because it’s the Bucs.

“I’ve been away from Tampa for almost four years, and I am really just looking forward to playing the game, not really caught up in the emotions of a different team I have played for,” said Johnson, in his 17th NFL season. “The players I played with really aren’t there, as a whole, anymore.”

Mickey Spagnola, a writer for who sounds like he should own a pizzeria, thinks Johnson is getting too much of the blame for the Cowboys being so crappy against the so-much-crappier Rams.

Some life these backup quarterbacks have. Don’t start a game in 22 months, then on top of that, don’t get sufficient protection, much help from your running game, your defense caves in on you and special teams, geesh. But everyone is quick to point out how poorly you played when you passed for 71 more yards than the starting quarterback who beat you and got sacked two less times while throwing 15 more passes.

Yeah, Johnson was intercepted three times, but two of those are hard to put on him if you want to look at them realistically. Now if you want to pile on so you can basically, say, ‘See I told you this guy wasn’t any good,’ so be it. Close your eyes if you must.

This guy has almost convinced me that Johnson is going to be better this weekend than he was last weekend. He knows how to study film and learn from his mistakes. And I’m going to go out on a limb and say that their offensive line is going to protect him better than they did last week when he was sacked three times and “hurried” eleven. Whereas last week was about the offensive line, this week is going to be about the defensive line. If they can get pressure on Johnson around all those sides-of-beef they call offensive linemen — real pressure, not that no sack bullshit they hand last week — they’ll win.

In injury news, Joey Galloway, Ike Hilliard and Cadillac Williams all practiced yesterday. Williams took snaps with the scout team and pretended to run like Marion Barber. B.J. Askew, Maurice Stovall and Warrick Dunn were held out, although I expect Dunn to play. And so does he.

Wittle Tony Womo Bwoke His Pinky

October 13, 2008 at 12:41pm by Scott   •  7 Comments »

Yeah, he looks happy to get flushed out of the pocket.
It sounds like such a pussy injury, doesn’t it? Broken pinky. I know it’s on his throwing hand and that means he can’t grip or throw a ball, but still. Waaaaaaahhhhh!!!!

The reason I care at all about this is because the Bucs play the Cowboys in two weeks. And Tony Romo will be out four weeks. So unless Jerry Jones makes some weird personnel moves between now and then, the Bucs defense will be facing Brad Johnson on October 26. You thought Brian Griese was weak-armed and immobile? Johnson makes Griese look like Steve Young. Brad’s wife might as well order the headstone now. It’s gonna be a slaughter.

Could Monte Have Been A Raider?

October 01, 2008 at 08:19pm by Scott   •  5 Comments »

I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Al Davis took a break from lumbering around slowly and scaring Abbott and Costello to have a press conference/character assassination about his reasons for firing Lane Kiffin. During his tirade and in between diaper changes, he happen to let fly that Monte Kiffin really wanted to be a Raider.

“Monte told me that he wanted to come here…even though he is under contract with Tampa,” Davis said at his news conference Tuesday.

Davis said he the Raiders did not want to tamper, so he called Buccaneeers general manager Bruce Allen but ended up talking about Lane, “even though Monte wanted to leave.”

Today, Monte did not deny those claims. Or really say anything at all.

“It was a long day and I really don’t want to go there and all due respect to you guys and you guys have been great in this matter,” Monte Kiffin said.

I dunno. It sounds plausible. What dad wouldn’t want to work with his son during the final leg of his career? I know when I get to be Monte’s age, I’d like to think one of my sons would take over shaking down Js and keeping the hos in line while I kept the books or something. ** cue Cat’s in the Cradle ** But Al Davis is batshit crazy and can we really believe anything he says that doesn’t have to do with Jell-O? My guess is that the truth is somewhere in between. Monte probably mentioned it in passing, and who can blame him?

Don Imus Doesn’t Care About Black People

June 24, 2008 at 10:52am by Scott   •  1 Comment »

After hearing a news report about Adam Jones dropping the nickname “Pacman”, radio host Don Imus had the following old-man episode with his news anchor:

During a morning segment on his WABC radio show in New York, Imus was listening to a report from anchor Warner Wolf about Jones dropping his nickname, “Pacman.”

Wolf mentioned that Jones was arrested six times since he was drafted in 2005.

Imus then asked, “What color is he?”

“He’s African-American,” Wolf said.

“Well, there you go,” Imus said. “Now we know.”

In a textbook case of “You know you fucked up when”, Jones had the following response:

“I’m truly upset about the comments,” Jones said. “Obviously Mr. Imus has problems with African-Americans. I’m upset, and I hope the station he works for handles it accordingly. I will pray for him.”

Imus has to feel like complete shit. Not because of what he said… I’m sure he meant it. But the man who was arrested six times, involved in a shooting that left a man paralyzed, suspended from the NFL for a year and is exactly one jaywalking ticket away from never being allowed to touch a football again is praying for him. That’s like Charles Manson calling you crazy or Mike Myers calling you unfunny. How do you sink lower?

Imus just needs to keep his nose out of football stories altogether. Just by asking the question, he showed he has no knowledge of the game at all. Quick, name five white cornerbacks in the last ten years. Once you get past Jason Sehorn, you’re kind of stuck, aren’t you? Everybody knows that. Imus is either just that dumb, or he was trying to make a point. Now, using the “What is more likely?” test, which one would you pick?

(Upon further review, NFL Adam already made the Sehorn reference, but since I still thought of it myself, I’m still keeping mine up. It actually frightens me a little that I think like he does. Someone do me the favor of slapping me if I ever start rooting for the Angels.)

How come I never saw this photo during the whole nappy headed ho controversy?  It seems pretty relevant, don't you think?  Someone dropped the ball here.