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Posts Tagged ‘keyshawn johnson’

Now It’s A Party

December 06, 2012 at 12:54am by Scott   •  7 Comments »

I swear I got this image from a collection called the '50 Most Punchable Faces in Sports'.
Two more names have been added to the attendee list of the 2002 Super Bowl reunion: Monte Kiffin and Keyshawn Johnson. And these additions really beg the question, what the hell is Ken Dilger doing that’s so important?

Kiffin suddenly has a lot of free time since he “resigned” from the University of Southern California. Apparently they figured out the Tampa 2 in the PAC-12 and rather than wait around for his own son to fire him, he bailed to “pursue NFL opportunities”. Now, I haven’t heard anyone clamoring for Monte this season, but there will be a couple top-down housecleanings in the NFL, so it’s not unreasonable that he gets some play as a DC or even a position coach in the offseason. But let’s not pretend this is a career move at 72. ANYWAY, he’s coming to Tampa for the reunion and I would pay to see if he and Warren Sapp ever get within 15 feet of each other after Sapp buried Kiffin in his book. If you’re attending the game this Sunday, PLEASE pay attention to those two and post something here about how it went down.

Speaking of people that Sapp hung out to dry in his book, Keyshawn was finally able to finagle some time in his busy busy schedule to make the trip.

Johnson, a wide receiver who now works for ESPN, was not on the original list of alumni but was later able to arrange with his bosses to make the trip.

Oh no! What will ESPN do without Keyshawn’s keen takes on the NFL like when he said Peyton Manning was a dome quarterback and couldn’t play outside or when he blamed the Bengals for when Chad Johnson got arrested this year? Yes, I’m sure the ESPN bosses were really torn on this decision. Jon Gruden is the host of Monday Night Football (for ESPN no less) and has a game to call the next day and he was still the first one to RSVP that he’d be in Tampa for the anniversary, so don’t tell me Keyshawn had some major scheduling conflict with the Monday Night Countdown bosses. I’m pretty sure Steve Young just runs Keyshawn’s mouth by remote with an iPad anyway.

Keyshawn Wanted His Super Bowl In NY

January 21, 2010 at 09:43am by Scott   •  7 Comments »

Now that I think about it, I should have gone for the bigger earring.
While doing an interview about the possibility of the Jets going to the Super Bowl this year, Keyshawn Johnson let it slip that he would have preferred that his own ring have been earned as a Jet, not as a Buc.

Johnson told writer Dave Hutchinson that he wanted his championship to come in New York, not in Tampa Bay. Johnson was a key player on the 1998 Jets team that lost to the Broncos in the AFC Championship, 23-10, after leading 10-0 in the third quarter.

“(Eleven) years later, I still have a sour taste in my mouth,” Johnson told The Star-Ledger. “I still get sick at times thinking about what if. I love the fact that I have a ring, but I just feel it would’ve been sweeter if I haven gotten one in ’98 with the Jets. You know, it’s New York, the media, a franchise that was desperate to get to the Super Bowl.”

Yeah, because New York was really hurting for a championship team. Three Super Bowls, two NBA championships, four Stanley Cups, 27 Word Series — WAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Tampa hadn’t won shit unless you count the Tampa Bay Storm’s string of championships in the 90s or the award I won for staring at chicks on Clearwater Beach while subtly rubbing myself. Actually, now that I think about it, it wasn’t so much an “award” as a “warrant”. But it had my name on it, so I count it.

So It’s Come To This

July 13, 2009 at 10:03am by Scott   •  No Comments »

Notice how Keyshawn intentionally hires less attractive people so he stands out more.
I looked, I really did. And all I could find today is lame bullshit about what some decidedly unsexy people think about the Bucs. I mean, really, do you give any shits whatsoever about where Pete Prisco ranks Davin Joseph and Arron Sears on his list of the top guards in the league? Did you know Charlie Bernstein thinks Raheem Morris‘s job is safe? Oh thank goodness we got Charlie’s vote of confidence. It’s the news vacuum, folks. And it really sucks. See what I did there?

So that leaves me with admitting to you that I watched Keyshawn Johnson‘s interior design show. And now I’m going to summarize it for you here, because why should you not have to suffer some? You think I’m going to carry the burden of watching this shit by myself?

Keyshawn’s task is to work with Kurtis and Dawn (which he insists on pronouncing as “Don”) to turn a room they were just using for storage into a man-cave for inviting friends over and watching sports. Except the pussy-whipped Kurtis has agreed to give his wife a corner of the room for herself where she can work on scrapbooks and other crap no one likes. I don’t know why he couldn’t just put a pile of hay and a mule blanket down for Dawn and be done with her part of it. She’s lucky he lets her live indoors.

Keyshawn spends the next 22 minutes getting maximum face time, sending his help out on bogus assignments and promoting Southern Cal. Did you know he was a Trojan? It’s true! The best part is when he’s ridiculing Dawn for the color paint she wants in the room and calling Kurtis a pussy for almost agreeing to it. The worst part is everything else. But the end result looks decent if you’re into total darkness and framed jerseys. Keyshawn never tells us how much everything cost in case we wanted to actually follow his advice and turn our favorite room into a black hole where light can neither enter nor escape. Come on… navy blue walls?

Keyshawn wants us to think of him as a miracle worker, but the room was total shit to start with and he apparently had unlimited funds with which to work. You want to be an interior designer? Here’s how to start: Clear out the entire room, put down hardwood floors and install recessed lighting. There. It doesn’t matter what else you do, you’ll look like [insert some great interior designer here whose name I don't know because I'm not a flaming homosexual].

If you ever wanted something published here, now’s the time to send it in. The bar’s pretty low for the next couple weeks. Obviously.

Keyshawn Is Good At English, Attention Whoring

January 20, 2009 at 11:19am by Scott   •  1 Comment »

Give me one second, Key.  I'm just about ready to respond to your statements.
Everyone picks on Emmitt Smiff because he routinely butchers the English language like Michael Irvin butchers teammates’ throats. But that means that attention isn’t being paid to Keyshawn Johnson, and he can’t have that. WE MUST ALL PAY ATTENTION TO KEYSHAWN!

“I was deactivated by Jon Gruden and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers back in 2003. And I hate to bring that up, but it’s funny to me. Because as you like to say Tom, vilified.”

No, not “vilified”. You mean “vindicated”, as in you think you were proven correct. They both start with “v”, so I guess you were kind of close. You could have also picked “vacuous”, “vagina” or “venereal disease”, all of which have been used to describe you at one time or another.

“In all the craziness, Boomer, Tom Jackson, Michael Irvin, Steve Young, everything was me.”

“Look at me. I’m going to call each of you by name. Look me in my eyes and listen to what I am saying to you right now. Are you looking? IRVIN, STOP DOIN’ BUMPS AND LOOK AT ME! Ready? Here it is. Everything…. was…. me. ME!”

When you sit around and you look at guys now, Michael Clayton, he has a problem. When you hear guys are now coming out and saying these sorts of things, I happened to be on the team and said that, so I am not surprised that he’s gone.

Oh God how I wish I could find the ESPN clip from just a couple months ago where he was saying good shit about Gruden. I think it was during the Monday night game, but I’m not sure and it’s probably not isolated in its own clip anyway. But he was talking Gruden up, I promise.

“Jon is the type of guy that will tell you one thing and then the next thing you know will say, I need to go get a guy like Tim Brown.”

Right, because you would have been the perfect mentor for Clayton. And everyone knows when you’ve got a prima donna cockstain on your sideline, you immediately want to create another one.

“He was a like a used car salesman in this situation. A great X’s and O’s coach but he wore out the welcome. I may have been the first to say it, but I won’t be the last. I guarantee that.”

“I WAS THE FIRST TO SAY IT! Gruden may have coached in San Francisco, Green Bay, Philadelphia and Oakland before he came to Tampa Bay, but no one ever had anything bad to say about him in any of those places ever! I, Keyshawn Johnson, am the visionary who had the foresight and fortitude to step up and say something negative about his boss. No one had ever thought to do that before me! Keyshawn Johnson: Football Oracle.”

So, Keyshawn, how’s that Super Bowl ring fitting these days?

Even Sapp’s Mom Thinks He Should Shut Up

November 20, 2008 at 10:45am by Scott   •  No Comments »

Mama's next lesson: condoms.
I’ve been praying that someone would be able to reign in the obnoxious, unfunny, bald antics of Warren Sapp before he completely erases my memory of him as a defensive tackle and becomes every sitcom’s irritatingly stereotypical black guy. Thanks, Sapp’s mom!

“A week ago I took a shot at an old teammate of mine and I really felt like I crossed the line,” Sapp said. “My mother was watching that show and she gave me a buzz and said, ‘You know what, that’s wrong because you and that boy and the kids and all of your families have played together and won together and you’ve got to apologize.’

“And I said, ‘You’re right.’ I am so wrong for crossing that line with Key and I apologize to my man out there and good luck to you on your (ESPN) show.”

Well, damn, that was effective. Three-hundred pounds of mouf and ego snapped back in line by a phone call from mama. Is Sapp’s mom available for hire? I have several phone calls I’d like her to make on my behalf. Number one: HBO. I’m betting she can get Entourage taken off the air if she threatens to come down there with her big, wooden spoon.

Chris Simms Has Funny Balls

November 15, 2008 at 03:00am by Scott   •  No Comments »

Whenever Simms didn't get intercepted, he'd break into gospel songs right there on the field.  'Praise Jesus!  I completed a bubble screen!'
According to PFT who got it from someone else who got it from a radio station, Warren Sapp relayed a story about Keyshawn Johnson on WQAM. Apparently, Johnson couldn’t catch Chris Simms‘s passes because of his left-handed spin.

“Me and [linebacker Derrick] Brooks walked across the field and Chris Simms was there,” Sapp said. “He’s a big left-handed kid — Christopher as his father tells me he named him, Christopher Simms — and he throws the ball to Keyshawn on an out-route. Me and Brooks was right there in front of Keyshawn and he drops the ball and looks back at the kid and says, ‘Your ball spins funny.’ I looked at Brooks and I said, ‘I will never say another word to this man. He don’t know what my bad is Brooks. It’s always someone else’s fault.’

If you’re surprised in the least that Sapp continues to flap his gums about Johnson, congratulations, you have Down’s Syndrome. I’m sure this is a true story if for no other reason than he invoked Derrick Brooks’s name and anything involving Brooks is the God’s honest truth. But he already punked this dude out once on national TV. Is it really worth it to continue berating a guy he hasn’t shared a locker room with in five years?

And what’s this thing about “Christopher as his father tells me he named him”? The fuck? I’m getting more and more convinced that Sapp has a chip embedded in his brain that will explode if he doesn’t say a certain number of words every minute. They don’t even need to fit together or make sense in any way. He just has to keep yapping and saying random shit or his head will blow up like a Gallagher watermelon. It’s like Speed, only constantly annoying. So it’s exactly like Speed.

REAR ENTRIES: Bitches, Broncos & Bells

November 13, 2008 at 02:50pm by Scott   •  No Comments »

Senator, I've asked Elway to keep his mouth closed while you're looking at him or else you'll get hypnotized by his teeth.
KEYSHAWN JOHNSON IS A BITCH: Boy, this one spread fast. On Inside the NFL, Warren Sapp hosted a segment called “Ask Warren Anything“. One of the questions was about whether Sapp would ever watch Keyshawn Johnson‘s new interior decorating show.

Me, watch Keyshawn on an interior decorating show? Keyshawn, I knew you were a bitch. And thanks for making it all clear.

Oooh, Warren called Keyshawn a bitch. How controversial! Warren has never made his contempt of Keyshawn a secret, so I don’t know why this has come as such a shock to anyone. And if you ask me, the viewer clearly missed out on a golden opportunity. Ask Warren anything? “Hey, Warren, are you mad that Travis Henry and Willis McGahee are getting all the attention for fathering multiple bastard children when you were doing it before it was cool?” I like Warren and all, but his post-player routine is already getting old and he’s only been doing it for a couple months. He thinks everything that comes out of his mouth is either zen profound or absolutely hilarious. And most of the time he just does his head-and-shoulder-shake thing and says something dumb. It was fun when he was talking smack and backing it up on the field, but now he’s just a bald attention whore and it’s getting sad. AND IT’S NOT “WIFF”! IT’S “WITH”! STICK YOUR BIG FAT TONGUE BETWEEN YOUR TEETH!

I’M JOHN LYNCH AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE: John Lynch‘s name has come up as someone the Republican party is interested in getting involved with. Lynch stumped a little for John McCain and apparently impressed Colorado state Republican leader Dick Wadhams.

But perhaps the biggest new name is former Denver Broncos safety John Lynch. What he lacks in experience, he appears to make up for in presence, wowing crowds when he spoke at events for Republicans John McCain and Sarah Palin this fall.

“He’s a superstar. He’s been in the back of my mind,”Wadhams said.

Here’s the five-minute video of Lynch rallying the McCain supporters. I don’t know that I was “wowed”, but I think he’s got potential if he wants to pursue it. If he can smooth his delivery and not depend so much on football cliches, he’s certainly got the… what’s the word I’m looking for? Charisma? He’s certainly got the charisma for politics. And he was much better than Brady Quinn at his own McCain introduction speech. At least Lynch kept his shirt on.

IKE SAYS WE’RE ALL OVERREACTING: Ike Hilliard denied being overly concerned about his concussion.

“Everybody’s entitled to write what they want to write, but I’m not having any issues with my concussion,’’ Hilliard said Thursday. “I’m dealing with issues just like everyone in this locker room is dealing with as it pertains to the wear and tear of the season.’’

To his point, Ike participated fully in practice yesterday and today. It sure would be nice to have him on the field, but I hope he’s not just covering up a problem for the sake of playing in the game. I guess they’ll figure it out pretty quickly if he is.

“Hey, who turned the field on its side?”
“No, Ike, you fell down.”

Keyshawn Is Not Getting Enough Attention

November 06, 2008 at 10:33am by Scott   •  1 Comment »

I guess being on ESPN and having several side business like restaurants wasn’t giving Keyshawn Johnson enough face time with Sweet Lady Media because now he has decided he’s going to be an interior designer and make a reality show of it. Yes, you read that right. A&E even greenlit it.

“Keyshawn Johnson: Tackling Design” will follow the day-to-day drama facing former NFL pro and current ESPN analyst Keyshawn Johnson as he embarks on a very different career path: interior designer.

“Sports fans are aware of Keyshawn’s formidable skills on the field, but will be completely surprised by his talent as a designer. The fact that he is really trying to get his interior design business off the ground perfectly fits with our real life brand where we capture the real lives of extraordinary people,” said Robert Sharenow, Senior Vice President, Nonfiction and Alternative Programming, A&E.

Keyshawn’s mouth and reality TV are totally made for each other, so it should come as no surprise that someone finally decided to capitalize on it. I could see a one or two season show where the producers bring in various NFL stars that have crossed paths with Keyshawn in the past and had them talk smack at each other for a half hour. Wayne Chrebet could be one show, Warren Sapp could be another. Maybe Marvin Harrison could come on one week but instead of talking smack, Keyshawn just dodges bullets for 30 minutes. I’m just throwing ideas out there, but just about any random series of words I string together is bound to be a better idea than following Keyshawn with a camera as looks through carpet swatches. He is not an interior designer. Any dude who has hung a neon Budweiser sign in his den and thrown a beanbag chair on the ground thinks he knows design. He doesn’t. It takes a guy who understands how colors and shapes and fashion all goes together and compliments each other. It takes a guy who doesn’t put this suit on camera.

Even Michael Irvin thinks this is ridiculous.

BOO! The only way this show could be any gayer is if they broke out into song in the middle of it. And to be fair, I haven’t read anything yet that says they won’t.